Job Jokes Blog, cont.

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Posted December 29, 2021

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor.

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

Posted December 28, 2021

I had just joined the Navy and was on my first voyage, when our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a 'swim call.' The chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was.

"Don't worry," he assured me. "You are never more than three miles from land."

Then he added, "Straight down."

Posted December 27, 2021

Things you shouldn't hear in a professionally run operating room:

* "Did he say the right or left leg?"

* "I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at school."

* "Buddy! Buddy! Come back with that! Bad dog!"

* "Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

* "Oh no! I just lost my watch."

* "Argh! There go the lights again..."

* "That's so cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"

* "I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

* "FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!"

* "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Posted December 23, 2021

Teachers' Version: Twas The Daze Before Christmas

'Twas the days before Christmas,
And all through the school,
The teachers were trying
To just keep their cool.

The hallways were hung
With Christmas art
(Some made in November
to get a head start!)

The children were bouncing
Off ceilings and walls,
And seemed to forget
How to walk in the halls.

When out of the teacher's lounge
With "jingle bell jewels,"
The teachers looked festive
Enforcing the rules.

Suddenly, from down the hallway
There came such a chatter,
The principal went in
To see what was the matter.

The teachers were hiding
And trying to refuel,
On coffee and cookies
And treats from the Yule.

When what to their wondering
Ears do they hear,
But the ringing of school bells
- It's the children they fear!

More rapid than reindeer
The little ones came,
And the teachers all shouted
And called them by name;

Walk, Vincent! Walk, Tanner!
Walk, Tyler and Sammy!
Sit, Jamie! Sit, Laura!
Sit, Tara and Tammy!

To your desks in the room!
To your spots in the line!
Now walk to them! Walk to them!
No running this time!

So straight to their places
The children all went.
With fear of detention
Where they could be sent.

With manuals of lessons
Cradled in arms,
The teachers began
To use all their charms.

But the lessons presented
All fell on deaf ears.
The children were thinking
Of Santa's reindeer!

With a toss of their hands
They put manuals aside,
Went straight to the cupboards
Where videos hide.

And laying their finger
On the TV remote
They sat back to write
Their last Christmas note.

But you could hear them exclaim
At the end of the day -
Have a wonderful, happy and
L-O-O-O-O-O-NG HOLIDAY!!!

Posted December 22, 2021

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.

With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Posted December 21, 2021

Since I had been selling water beds for almost four years, I thought I had heard every question imaginable. But then a customer asked me, "Can you deliver it filled with water?"

Stunned, I replied, "Are you kidding? It would weigh over twelve hundred pounds!"

After a short pause, she said, "Could you do it if I helped you carry it in?"

Posted December 19, 2021

The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."

Posted December 16, 2021

In Marine Corps basic training, I soon learned that everything we recruits used belonged to our drill instructor. For instance, she referred to the stuff in our footlockers as "my trash" and to the racks where we slept as "my racks."

One time, when when we were all whispering in the bathroom while making "head calls," our drill instructor must have overheard us.

To our surprise, she suddenly yelled, "Why do I hear voices in my head?"

Posted December 15, 2021

One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.

I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation.

"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.

Posted December 13, 2021

Q: Why are professional basketball courts always so damp?

A: The players dribble a lot.

Posted December 12, 2021

A college student could not take his seminar final exam because of a funeral.

"No problem," the teacher told him. "Make it up the following week." That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.

"You'll have to take the test early next week," the professor insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."

"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," the undergrad replied.

By now I the instructor was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?"

"I don't know any of these people," the student exclaimed. "But I'm the only gravedigger in town."

Posted December 11, 2021

You're driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night that is clearly life-threatening to people outside. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she's about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The man / woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first.

Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him / her back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to think outside the box!

Posted December 8, 2021

Q: Why don't astronauts relate well to other people?

A: They're not always down-to-earth.

Posted December 6, 2021

Two lady co-workers took the afternoon off to go golfing.

The first lady golfer tells the other: "I just got a new set of golf clubs for my husband!"

The other lady replies: "That's a GREAT trade!"

Posted December 4, 2021

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $24," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

Posted December 2, 2021

As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I directed officers late one night to strategic positions around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.

Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my command.

At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw a light on the roof."

The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.

Posted November 30, 2021

All I Need To Know I Learned Working On The Cattle Range

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:

- The ones who learn by reading,
- The few who learn by observation, and
- The rest of them have to touch the electric fence to see if it's really on.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Posted November 29, 2021

An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over- zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions.

The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.

Officer: "Where are you going?"
Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."

Officer: "How long will you be gone?"
Husband: "About one month."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."

Officer: "Where are you from?"
Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."
Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst romantic experience in my life."
Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"
Husband: "He says he knows you!"

Posted November 26, 2021

A man in a restaurant has a meal, and after he finishes, the waiter tells him he owes $16. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the waiter, "if you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the waiter can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a meal and later pulls the same stunt. The waiter replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get a free meal. The man hurries into the restaurant and begins to eat half the menu when, suddenly, the waiter leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were eating, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get banned from the restaurant."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Posted November 24, 2021

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived two days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left.

Shortly after that, Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about it and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem.

However, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Oppernockity only tunes once!"

Posted November 22, 2021

Q: What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?

A: Ferry tales!

Posted November 21, 2021

The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered my barber shop together. "Give me the full treatment," the man said. "I want to look good in the parade!"

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, I said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, "Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!"

Posted November 19, 2021

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?

Posted November 15, 2021

A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.

"When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me," said the soldier simply.

Posted November 14, 2021

A woman with a baby walked into a doctor's office. She asked if they could weigh the baby.

A nurse said that the baby scale was not working that day, but what they could do is weigh the mother while she was holding the baby, and then weigh the mother by herself, and subtract.

The woman thought about this for a minute. "It wouldn't work," she said, "I'm not the mother; I'm the aunt."

Posted November 13, 2021

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Posted November 11, 2021

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."

"It's the one on fire," he replied.

Posted November 8, 2021

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Posted November 7, 2021

In a restaurant, a woman gestures alluringly to the waiter who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," replies the waiter. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues. "Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet."

Posted November 6, 2021

Q: What do postal workers do when they're mad?

A: They stamp their feet.

Posted November 3, 2021

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!"

"Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.

"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"

"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

Posted November 2, 2021

A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage". The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says "Well, yes, I am, but let me ask you something. If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya? Why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

The clerk replies, "No. It's because you're at Home Depot."

Posted October 31, 2021

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

To improve his bite...

Posted October 28, 2021

Q: Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?

A: Because he took a few days off.

Posted October 27, 2021

Wanting to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stops by his office.

When she opens the door, she finds him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictates, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Posted October 25, 2021

The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.

Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth minister.

The little boy answered, "It's all a racket. They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services."

Posted October 23, 2021

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the man in front of him.

Surprised, the customer turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the other guy replied. "I'm a tax collector. Do you see me pickpocketing the guy in front of me?"

Posted October 21, 2021

Apparently the following was voted unanimously by some office staff as the phone menu for a school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting with the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his home work - Press 2.

To complain about what we do - Press 3.

To cuss out staff members - Press 4.

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.

To complain about school lunches - Press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework, and that it's not the teacher's fault for your children's lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"

Posted October 18, 2021

A pretty young blonde stood at my bank cashier's window and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said, handing it over.

I examined the check and said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?"

For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes! It's me, all right!"

I then said, "No Ma'am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification."

The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of people. "This is a recent family photo," she explained. "That's me, third from the left."

Posted October 17, 2021

After taking the exams and having my driver's license photo taken on a humid Florida day, I asked, "Could I could get a better picture?"

The officer replied, "If you bring a better face."

Posted October 16, 2021

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

Posted October 14, 2021

A lady sent in a long obituary to our newspaper. I called and told her the cost was so much per word.

"Oh, my" she said, "Just change that to 'George died.'"

I then told her that there was a five word minimum.

"Well," she said, "make that 'George died, Buick for sale.'"

Posted October 12, 2021

Working for a pediatrician calls for stifling a chuckle from time to time. When a frantic mother phoned to tell us her baby had a high temperature of 102, we had to know whether she was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere.

So we asked, "How are you taking it?"

Her reply, "Oh, I'm holding up pretty well!"

Posted October 11, 2021

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

He got fired.

Posted October 8, 2021

A supermarket has a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intends to stock up.

At the store, however, she's disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so she complains to a clerk.

"Don't worry," he says. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, the woman hears the clerk's voice boom over the public address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Posted October 5, 2021

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobweb-filled rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here"

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years..."

Posted October 3, 2021

Q: What kind of school does a carpenter go to?

A: Boarding school.

Posted October 1, 2021

Q: What's the difference between working for the government and working for the Mafia?

A: One of them is organized.

Posted September 29, 2021

Pete was a hired ranch hand in the days of the wild west. He wore brown paper exclusively. Brown paper pants, shirt, vest, boots. Everything was made from brown paper.

He rode into town on a hot dry day, very near parched from thirst. He rode up to the saloon to get a cool drink, stepped off his horse, and up on the sidewalk and was promptly arrested by the sheriff.

He was charged with rustlin'.

Posted September 27, 2021

Recently there was a huge power outage at the shopping mall where I work as a security guard. People were stuck on the escalators for four hours.

Posted September 25, 2021

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Posted September 24, 2021

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Posted September 22, 2021

I visited my doctor and told him I had begun to have to get up two or three times a night to pee, and that last night I didn't get up in time.

He asked me if there were any significant changes in my life style. I replied, "No."

He asked if I did much drinking before going to bed. I replied that for years I have had a glass of warm milk to help me sleep before going to bed.

He said, "That is your problem. You have become Lactose Incontinent."

Posted September 20, 2021

Dude 1: "The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."

Dude 2: "And did he?"

Dude 1: "Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Posted September 18, 2021

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

Posted September 15, 2021

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor.

"I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day," the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Am I crazy?"

"Not at all," the doctor said. "You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome."

Posted September 13, 2021

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"

The mathematician responds, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"

The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally answers, "I light the dumpster on fire."

The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

Posted September 12, 2021

I started a new job as a tailor last week.

It’s been sew-sew.

Posted September 10, 2021

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Posted September 7, 2021

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once, I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

Posted September 4, 2021

As part of the admission procedure in a hospital, a nurse asked the patients if they were allergic to anything. If they were, the nurse would print it on an allergy band placed on the patients' wrists.

Once when the nurse asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, the woman said she couldn't eat bananas.

Several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'Bananas'?"

Posted September 2, 2021

"Will the father be present during the birth?" the obstetrician asked solicitously.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

Posted August 30, 2021

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.

"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."

"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."

The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Posted August 28, 2021

One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?"

"Yeah, we got robbed last night."

Posted August 27, 2021

How many procrastinators does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but they have to wait until the light is better.

Posted August 24, 2021

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Posted August 23, 2021

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Posted August 22, 2021

A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he'd just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

Posted August 17, 2021

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

Posted August 16, 2021

Holdup man: "Stick 'em up or else."

Victim: "Or else what?"

Holdup man: "Don't confuse me - this is my first job."

Posted August 14, 2021

How many bureaucrats does it take to put in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other inserts the bulb into the water faucet.

Posted August 13, 2021

My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.

"I had just the worst day," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.

"On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!'

"The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"

Posted August 11, 2021

Q: Why are good bowlers like labor unions?

A: Because they strike a lot.

Posted August 7, 2021

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary. "It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch but I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then the door flew open and in bounced George. "You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

Posted August 6, 2021

I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.

Posted August 5, 2021

When a young man, who got a new job after graduation from college, left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products.

At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase -- a large bag of potato chips.

Seeing the checkout clerk's quizzical look, he explained, "I'm a very messy eater."

Posted August 4, 2021

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new wing at the hospital. What did they do?

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.

The pediatricians said, "grow up."

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And the plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."

Posted July 31, 2021

A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds.

As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.

"So," she said, "now I weigh me down to sweep."

Posted July 29, 2021

A customer walks into a dress shop and asks, "May I try on that dress in the window?"

The salesperson replies, "We prefer that you use the dressing rooms."

Posted July 27, 2021

I just had a physical. The doctor said don't eat anything fatty.

I said, "Like bacon and cheeseburgers?"

He replied, "No, Fatty, don't eat anything!"

Posted July 26, 2021

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A: A pachydermatologist.

Posted July 23, 2021

When I was younger I worked in a Mom and Pop convenience store. A woman came into the store and walked straight up to me without even shopping and asked if I had baby nipples.

I told her, "no ma'am, mine are fully grown."

Luckily she got a kick out of it and I sold her the nipples for her baby bottles.

Posted July 20, 2021

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to be put under anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous Son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

Posted July 17, 2021

A successful businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After the nurse inserted the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

Posted July 14, 2021

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"

"No," the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires and headlights, you might want to gas up."

Posted July 13, 2021

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

Posted July 11, 2021

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Posted July 9, 2021

When Sam returned to the house from work one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're damn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the hotel while we were on vacation."

Posted July 7, 2021

The local restaurant was so sure that its cook was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1,000 bet. The cook would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in. "I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.

After the laughter had died down, the cook grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the cook paid the $1,000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?

"I'm a tax collector."

Posted July 6, 2021

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

After the leg had healed, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I use the stairs now?" asked the little lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of going up and down that drainpipe!"

Posted July 5, 2021

"I hate to have to tell you this," said the doctor in a sad compassionate voice, "but you have unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease. We will have to quarantine you and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"That's terrible!" said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. "I don't know if I could handle being in quarantine... and the cheese and bologna diet... What's with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I've never of such a diet before?!"

"It's not exactly a diet," responded Doctor Wilson, " it's just the only food that will fit under the door!"

Posted July 3, 2021

When you officially know you are truly "over the hill."

During a long day of work, me, and a couple of my [single] friends stopped in at Hooter's for some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

Posted July 1, 2021

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

Posted June 28, 2021

The following quotes apparently appeared in actual medical records.

* Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

* The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

* Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

* Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

* On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Posted June 27, 2021

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

Posted June 25, 2021

At a Catholic school where I worked, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders.

After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria.

All the children and parents filed in. On a table was a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, some water bottles and juice.

As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said, "Take only one. God is watching."

So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Posted June 24, 2021

A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right.

The woman's husband sits patiently in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.

Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles.

Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer and at that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, "Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?"

"I don't know," replies the flustered doctor, "I can't get my damn bag open."

Posted June 22, 2021

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the hikers complained.

"And you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."

Posted June 19, 2021

A man in a restaurant is enjoying his meal when he hears a voice say, "You look great!"

He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No, really, you look just terrific!"

Again he looks around. Nobody!

A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice, "Is that a new shirt or something ... because you look absolutely stunning!"

At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming out of a basket of breadsticks on his table.

"Excuse me," the man asks the waiter, "what's with these breadsticks?"

"Oh," the waiter answers, "they're complimentary."

Posted June 17, 2021

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

Posted June 15, 2021

Three elderly doctors have been friends for many years, and one afternoon at the club they started talking about their final arrangements.

The first, a dentist, says, "When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble."

"That's a very clever idea," says the cardiologist, "I'd love my tombstone to be shaped like a heart in red marble."

The urologist is silent for a bit, then says, "I'm thinking about having my ashes scattered."

Posted June 13, 2021

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Posted June 11, 2021

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor's phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, "Pastor, I can't sleep."

"I'm so sorry to hear that," he comforted her. "But what can I do about it?" the pastor asked.

She sweetly replied, "Preach to me a while, pastor."

Posted June 10, 2021

In the British documentary "56 Up", a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a "barrister."

My 13-year-old daughter here in the U.S., wasn't impressed. "So," she said, "he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?"

Posted June 7, 2021

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"

"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.

"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

Posted June 6, 2021

A tourist on a diving charter off the coast of Florida asks the blond dive master: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blond replies: "Think about it! If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

Posted June 3, 2021

The new vicar at a city centre church was delighted when he received an anonymous gift. When he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.

However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it.

The secretary said he had three reasons: "First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can't spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting."

Posted June 2, 2021

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, "Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!"

"That's great, Son!" said his daddy.

"Come into the living room and tell me about it," Daddy continued.

Little Johnny said, "Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science."

Today he represents us in Congress.

Posted May 30, 2021

A classics professor tears his favorite pair of trousers, so he takes them to the Greek tailor in his neighborhood to get them mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?"

The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

Posted May 28, 2021

Two cab drivers met.

"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Posted May 27, 2021

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

Posted May 26, 2021

A family enters a large store. After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.

They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter. It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.

After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.

The assistant replies: "Oh, that's our seal of approval."

Posted May 24, 2021

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase.

After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

Posted May 22, 2021

What is an Ironing Board?

A Surf Board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.

Posted May 21, 2021

A man walks into a restaurant. The waiter asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Bring me three pizzas please." So the waiter brings him three pizzas and the man proceeds to alternately eat the first, then the second, then the third until they're gone. He even orders three more.

The waiter says, "Sir, I assume you'd probably want them hot. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you're finished I'll bring you a new one."

The man says, "Oh, that's OK. You know, I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the UK. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still have a meal together. So right now, my brothers have three pizzas too, and we're eating together."

The waiter thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three pizzas.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two. The waiter said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I hope all your brothers are in good health?"

The man said, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just went on a diet."

Posted May 18, 2021

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

Posted May 16, 2021

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a lab rat?

A: There are just some things that a rat won't do.

Posted May 14, 2021

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

Posted May 12, 2021

Retired: Under new management.

See spouse for details.

Posted May 11, 2021

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Sicily."

Posted May 9, 2021

A man was on his phone, calling a locksmith. "I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous man.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the man. "My top is down and it's starting to rain."

Posted May 7, 2021

At work in the Lab, I don't trip and fall. I do random gravity checks.

Posted May 6, 2021

At work, I'm a multi-tasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Posted May 4, 2021

Five surgeons are discussing who are the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up with this observation, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and the head and butt are interchangeable."

Posted May 3, 2021

My husband is a minister who generally conducts an expanded altar call at the end of each sermon. He invites those who wish to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior to come forward, as well as those in need of prayers or anyone who has other special requests, to come forward.

To the surprise and delight of the congregation our three-year-old daughter, without saying a word to me, got up and made her way forward.

She waited patiently while the others in line ahead of her made their special prayer requests.

When her turn came, my husband leaned down to ask what she needed.

She whispered, "Can we go to the restaurant after church today?"

Posted May 2, 2021

Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you've been all right. You've been a decent horse, I guess. A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse, and..."

Horse: "No, you idiot! I didn't ask you for FEEDBACK! I said I wanted my FEEDBAG!"

Posted April 29, 2021

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Aussie, an elephant, a refrigerator, a giraffe and a lemon all walk into a bar.

The bartender turns around and says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Posted April 27, 2021

My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...This Means You!"

Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner.

When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."

Posted April 26, 2021

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied,

"Yes, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Posted April 22, 2021

An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. - Anon

Posted April 21, 2021

A flight attendant was on the red-eye to London when a water leak developed in the galley, which eventually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the 747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware of the dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been raining?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes, but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the passenger went back to sleep.

Posted April 18, 2021

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History Department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Posted April 17, 2021

A weathered farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Silver wedding anniversary. "Let's kill a pig and have a big BBQ party, Homer," she suggested.

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should suffer for something that happened 25 years ago."

Posted April 15, 2021

A local Pastor joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.

Under his name badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.

The Pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'shepherd of the flock'... but you know your people better than I do."

Posted April 12, 2021

A grocery store cashier is really busy. He notices a dog in the store and shoos him away.

Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The man takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 bananas, please."

The man looks again, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.

So the cashier takes the money, puts the bananas in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

He is very impressed, and this goes on for several days - with the dog buying different items each time.

One day, the cashier decides to follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the man following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The cashier is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The cashier, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the cashier still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The cashier watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shaking his head.

The cashier runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Posted April 11, 2021

The new stewardess was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand.

"I heard about that episode on your first flight, Miss Larson," said the director, glaring over the top of her glasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his OWN legs!"

Posted April 9, 2021

A friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit. One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further and saw the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

Posted April 7, 2021

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English. Upon reaching it, the first thing he did was go into a department store. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines. [I want socks.]" said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines. [No I don't want suits. I want socks.]" said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines. [No, I don't want shirts. I want socks.]" repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines. [No I don't want pants, I want socks.]" insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es. [Now that's it]." (Editor: Sound it out. This sounds like spelling "S O C K S".)

"Then why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!?" yelled the salesgirl.

Posted April 6, 2021

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," Rob replied.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Posted April 4, 2021

A chauffeur worked for a wealthy woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver dropped his client at an appointment before he filled up the tank.

The cat remained in the car, laying down on top of the limousine's back seat. The service station's attendant glanced at the unusual passenger.

Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

Posted April 1, 2021

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:

Dr.: "Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water."

Woman: "Ok."

Dr: "Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water."

Woman: "Ok."

Dr.: "Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water."

After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me, doctor?"

Dr.: "Yeah. You don't drink enough water."

Posted March 31, 2021

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They decided to run a study, hired a few additional specialists, moved to town, rented offices and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and told the waitress what his purpose was in town. He then asked her if she had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the waitress. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and sounds its horn. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Posted March 28, 2021

A sign on the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

Posted March 26, 2021

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!"

"I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass."

"But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake."

Posted March 25, 2021

Two archeologists were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the archeologists started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other archeologist couldn't believe it! He said, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other archeologist replied, "I just peed in the soup!"

Posted March 22, 2021

"Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?" I asked my friend.

"He wants to be a garbage man," he replied.

"That's an unusual ambition to have at such a young age."

"Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays."

Posted March 20, 2021

For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

"I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."

Posted March 17, 2021

The four most important things that an apprentice plumber needs to learn:

1. Hot is on the left, cold is on the right.

2. Crap flows downhill.

3. Payday is on Friday.

4. Don't chew your fingernails.

Posted March 16, 2021

A rather tall, large man was in the grocery store one day waiting in the line for my cash register to check out. A lady and her young boy were in line behind him.

While he was standing in line his watch alarm started to go off.

The little boy looked up at his mom and said, "Mom, you better watch out! That big man is backing up."

Posted March 15, 2021

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

Doctor: Sell!

Posted March 10, 2021

A little old lady leaving her office job gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her seat to the old lady.

It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan."

The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block.

With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Confidence."

Posted March 8, 2021

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

Posted March 7, 2021

Signs in English Viewed by International Business Travellers

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

In an Athens hotel: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today: No ice cream."

In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

At a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

In a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

In a Tokyo hotel: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.

Posted March 6, 2021

While I'm not sure of the procedure now, when I was in the Navy, every so often, you got umpteen shots, whether you needed them or not. The carrier pilot in front of me as we passed through the line asked for a drink of water after receiving what seemed to be at least a dozen different needles.

The Corpsman asked if he was dizzy.

"No, not at all." he replied. "I just wanna see if I'm still water-tight."

Posted March 4, 2021

If you try to fail at a project at work, and succeed, which have you done?

Posted March 3, 2021

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!

Doctor: Stay out of those places!

Posted March 1, 2021

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Posted February 25, 2021

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

Posted February 24, 2021

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size 8."

The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7."

"The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

Posted February 22, 2021

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"

Posted February 21, 2021

The seven-year old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Posted February 18, 2021

A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.

"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when we're not being scammed here?"

"Raise porcupines, ma'am."

Posted February 16, 2021

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client.

After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: "Justice prevailed."

The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately."

Posted February 12, 2021

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line again. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."

Posted February 10, 2021

Johnny walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Johnny, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Johnny says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Johnny comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Johnny looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"

Posted February 9, 2021

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70.

They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh and relaxed.

"I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"

The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

Posted February 7, 2021

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly say, "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom.

After the train has left, the conductor comes around, takes the lawyers' tickets, knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers are very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers propose to emulate the gearheads and buy only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers buy no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers say, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

Posted February 5, 2021

Things not to say at a job interview:

1. "I'll work so hard you won't even know I'm there."

2. "I'll need all my paid vacation time up front so I'll be rested when I start."

3. "You can't turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason."

4. "When do we eat?"

5. "Can I bring my goat to the company daycare center?"

Posted February 3, 2021

Q: Why is it that the hearing of people who work on the railroad is different from other's people hearing?

A: Because they have engine ears.

Posted February 1, 2021

Lisa had a serious phone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

A brand-new hotel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as her. From the moment the hotel opened, she was besieged by calls not for her.

Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the hotel management to change its number.

Naturally, the management refused, claiming that it would confuse their customers. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible.

After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Lisa decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the hotel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. She said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Lisa said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $700 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Lisa said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Lisa. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a class reunion.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Lisa assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or if she wanted the hotel to take care of it.

The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Lisa was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the hotel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, reunions and birthday parties and were all told there were no such events.

Lisa had her final revenge when she read that the hotel might be sold. Her phone rang, and an executive from a different hotel chain said, "We're prepared to negotiate a price with you for the hotel."

Lisa replied. "Sounds good, I've got one condition: You have to change the phone number."

Posted January 31, 2021

A businessman is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The businessman gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the businessman is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the businessman sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to give up drinking."

Posted January 29, 2021

A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.

After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a brief ceremony in front of the congregation.

For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.

"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.

Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.

Posted January 28, 2021

The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."

Posted January 25, 2021

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Posted January 22, 2021

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would most likely blow it out."

Posted January 20, 2021

En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. "Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean, you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."

Posted January 19, 2021

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."

Posted January 13, 2021

My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock. When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called. A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "Maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice.

Posted January 11, 2021

Two psychologists met each other in a street one day.

One said to the other, "You're good today, how am I?"

Posted January 9, 2021

Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Posted January 7, 2021

Since spaghetti is now 'pasta' and a TV set is a 'home entertainment system,' the manager of my grocery store did his best to jazz up the lowly egg.

He still has some work to do. A sign he put up in the dairy section advertised "Boneless Chicken."

Posted January 4, 2021

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed.

Posted January 3, 2021

Most dentist chairs go up and down, don't they? The one Mr. Wilson was in went back and forwards.

He thought, "This is unusual."

The dentist said, "Mr. Wilson, get out of the filing cabinet."

Posted January 1, 2021

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the nurse, "How soon do you think it will be before we can have sex?"

She gave me a wink and said "Well, I'm off duty in ten minutes, you can meet me in the parking lot."

Posted December 28, 2020

I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again...? I'm healed?"

Posted December 24, 2020

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables.

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Posted December 23, 2020

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones."

Posted December 21, 2020

A man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free meal?"

The waiter considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finishes his meal, he asks the waiter, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free meals for the rest of the week?"

The waiter agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his dessert, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.

"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the waiter demands. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it," the man answers. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Posted December 17, 2020

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "I saw you perform tonight, and you're the funniest guy I've ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you're ever had."

The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"

Posted December 15, 2020

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Posted December 14, 2020

I work at the Registry of Motor Vehicles and a recent applicant didn't do as well on her driver's ed test as she'd hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: "When the ___ is dead, the car won't start."

She wrote: "Driver."

Posted December 11, 2020

Mr. Evans was the Chief Financial Officer of a large manufacturing company.

Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years.

The entire staff was intrigued but no one was game to ask him what was in the drawer.

Finally the time came for Mr. Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation.

As soon as Mr. Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper.

It read, "Debits on the left, credits on the right."

Posted December 10, 2020

Q: Where do geologists like to relax?

A: In a rocking chair.

Posted December 7, 2020

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.

As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Posted December 4, 2020

"Great news, Mr. Bradley," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by the mall on the way home and walk the length of the stores. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, what can I do to thank you?"

"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new TV."

Posted December 2, 2020

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

A: Fingernails.

Posted November 30, 2020

A professional writer was beginning to write a story that takes place in the desert.

He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "Suddenly, two mongooses crossed her path."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses.

Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "Suddenly, two mongeese crossed her path."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.

Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.

"She would have been surprised about one mongoose appearing out of nowhere," he typed. "But two of them?"

Posted November 28, 2020

I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

Posted November 25, 2020

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect?"

Posted November 24, 2020

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too - and please make sure the glass is clean."

(The waiter exits, returns.)

Waiter: "Two teas. Who asked for the clean glass?"

Posted November 20, 2020

"Doctor, these pills you gave me for body odor..."

"Yes, what's wrong with them?"

"They keep slipping out from under my arms."

Posted November 18, 2020

Because of the reaction people have when they wake up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.

Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's erroneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, people often go out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.

Posted November 15, 2020

Q: Did you hear about the constipated composer?

A: He couldn't finish the last movement.

Posted November 14, 2020

Doctor: "You need new glasses."

Patient: "How do you know? I haven't told you what's wrong with me yet."

Doctor: "I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window."

Posted November 12, 2020

Absentminded Professor: "I forgot to take my umbrella this morning."

Wife: "When did you first miss it, dear?"

Absentminded Professor: "When I reached up to close it after the rain had stopped."

Posted November 10, 2020

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just give the old bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Posted November 9, 2020

A cathedral is being worked on, and the workers have rigged a cage elevator inside so they can get material up and down. A characteristic of this cage elevator is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for it to be called to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the verger.

Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open.

After the verger rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down. Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The verger of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens: "Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"

Posted November 7, 2020

A businessman had a tiring day on the road. He checked into a hotel and, because he was concerned that the dining room might close soon, left his luggage at the front desk and went immediately to eat.

After a leisurely dinner, he reclaimed his luggage and realized that he had forgotten his room number. He went back to the desk and told the clerk on duty, "My name is Henry Davis, can you please tell me what room I am in?"

"Certainly," said the clerk. "You're in the lobby."

Posted November 4, 2020

A college graduate applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

Posted November 2, 2020

A woman has a problem with her closet door - it's falling out every time a bus passes by. So she calls a repairman.

The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time a bus passes by.

"OK, I'm going to take a look at this, just close the door behind me," and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes home from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.

Husband: "What the hell are you doing here?"

Repairman: "You won't believe it, I'm waiting for the bus."

Posted November 1, 2020

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: "$500 if we fail to fill your order!"

When his waitress arrives, he orders caviar on salt from the Dead Sea, gold-plated chocolate strawberries and rye bread.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose. The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen.

He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

Posted October 30, 2020

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Posted October 28, 2020

It was Halloween, and three vampires went into a saloon and walked up to the bar.

"What will you have?" the bartender asked.

"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.

"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.

"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.

"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said. "That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"

Posted October 26, 2020

The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"

The man asks the kid what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say "Thank You."

Posted October 24, 2020

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which 'lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Posted October 22, 2020

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Nearly every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Posted October 20, 2020

On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said. "We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined, I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters. Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

Posted October 17, 2020

I work in a department store where every night at closing time one of our customer service representatives reminds shoppers over the public address system to finish their shopping.

One evening, a woman who had recently worked at Kmart opened the announcement by saying, "Attention Kmart shoppers..." Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "...you are in the wrong store."

Posted October 15, 2020

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

DROP SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted buckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.

S.O.B. TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'S.O.B.' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Posted October 14, 2020

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the bartender, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the bartender replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

Posted October 12, 2020

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a stupid sense of humor.

Posted October 10, 2020

A sergeant is interviewing three cadets who are training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The sergeant says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The sergeant is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the cadet replied, "he can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Posted October 8, 2020

A homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, as a bonus, here's an extra $100 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. "What's the matter," asked the homeowner, "did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

Posted October 6, 2020

This is the story of four co-workers named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

Posted October 5, 2020

A patron ordered a Manhattan. When it was served there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass.

"What in the world is this?" asked the man.

The bartender peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."

Posted October 2, 2020

During a revival meeting, an evangelist asked the people in line what they needed.

One man's request was for his hearing. The evangelist spit on his finger, put it in the man's ear, prayed for him and then asked him, "How's your hearing now?"

He said, "I don't know - it's next Tuesday."

Posted September 30, 2020

As I was walking through a large store, I stopped at the pet department to look at some parakeets. In one cage a green bird lay on his back, one foot hooked oddly into the cage wire.

I was about to alert the saleswoman to the bird's plight when I noticed a sign taped to the cage:

"No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way."

Posted September 28, 2020

Holdup man: "Stick 'em up or else."

Victim: "Or else what?"

Holdup man: "Don't confuse me - this is my first job."

Posted September 26, 2020

Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."

Posted September 25, 2020

During a hectic night of mail processing at the post office, a number of letters fell off an elevated conveyor belt and scattered onto the floor. Before the area supervisor had a chance to pick them up, the facility manager, who had a reputation for being stern, came upon the scene.

"Why is this mail on the floor?" he demanded angrily.

Without hesitation the supervisor replied, "Gravity, sir."

Posted September 22, 2020

Working on Capitol Hill, my husband was under constant pressure.

After one late-night session, he came home exhausted and went straight to bed. When I turned out the light, he sat up in a panic. "Is everything okay in the house?" he asked.

"Yes, honey," I answered. "I locked the doors and turned down the heat."

"That's good," he said, lying back down, his eyelids heavy. "What about the Senate?"

Posted September 21, 2020

In my English-as-a-Second-Language (ESL) class, I explained the difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."

Posted September 18, 2020

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes nine visits.

Posted September 17, 2020

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot to lock the safe!"

The other partner replied, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Posted September 15, 2020

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor, I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee."

Doctor: "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?"

Posted September 13, 2020

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first paid part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, Son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

Posted September 12, 2020

A professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded.

"Professors haven't got bad memory," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was today? Would somebody like to ask me another question?"

"Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memory?"

"Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."

Posted September 10, 2020

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"

Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving."

Posted September 7, 2020

Q: Who did the mortician invite to his party?

A: Anyone he could dig up!

Posted September 6, 2020

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisFACTORY!

Posted September 4, 2020

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist.

"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:

"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"

Posted September 2, 2020

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Posted September 1, 2020

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and loud. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking XYZ Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"XYZ?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, they're always late and their flight attendants are unfriendly. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Hotel."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to visit the Vatican and we hope to see the pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of XYZ's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and we had a friendly stewardess who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a huge remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential Suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if we'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

Posted August 30, 2020

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old professional, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

Posted August 28, 2020

An elderly, retired couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the old woman back to the shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat that read:

"Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his toe was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Posted August 26, 2020

The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise.

"You need to make sure the dog runs around," the doctor said. "Try playing a game of fetch."

"I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said.

"Why not?" the doctor asked.

"Because," she replied, "He can't throw."

Posted August 24, 2020

A man goes to consult a specialist about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?"

"My fee is five hundred dollars," replies the physician.

"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!"

"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred."

"Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous."

"Well, then, could you afford two hundred?"

"Who has that kind of money?"

"Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?"

"I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it."

"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in New York if you have no money?"

"Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too good!"

Posted August 23, 2020

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.

"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied: "One hour and 45 minutes!"

Posted August 21, 2020

Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him. Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor. Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he crawled to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello?"

The voice on the other end asked, "Is your name Speedy Morris?"

"Yes," he replied.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports Illustrated."

Posted August 19, 2020

A wise old senior executive in industry retired and purchased a nice home. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old executive decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"Buying my new home has really put a dent in my savings," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old, retired executive enjoyed peace.

Posted August 18, 2020

A news story said the police caught a guy trying to cash a phony check and took him down to the station.

While the officers were distracted, the crook grabbed the check off the desk and swallowed it with no problem: the police then waited five or six hours and then charged the guy with passing a bad check twice.

Posted August 17, 2020

A co-worker and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

Posted August 15, 2020

A man went into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am.

Another night I dreamed I was an Lamborghini. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

Posted August 13, 2020

A newly hired kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The new teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. However, Rian, who always does things HIS way, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Rian, how many times have you seen a red duck?"

Young Rian replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Posted August 10, 2020

During my lunch break, I was shopping in an arts and crafts store -- where a friend of mine worked -- for a gift for my niece. She had taken an interest in oil painting and I planned to purchase a beginner set of paints and brushes.

My friend was at the cash register when I was checking out. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and had started a diet in the meantime with moderate success. She asked me if I had gotten thinner. I was thrilled that it showed already and replied that I had lost a few pounds.

She rolled her eyes and said, "I meant paint thinner."

Posted August 9, 2020

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf.

He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Posted August 7, 2020

WARNING: SCAM ALERT!

Millions of people worldwide have fallen for the 40-40-40 scam.

The 40-40-40 scam is where you make someone else RICH by working 40 hours a week for 40 years, and then try to retire on 40 percent of what you couldn't afford to live off in the first place.

Commonly known as a job.

Posted August 5, 2020

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.

Posted August 3, 2020

Our three year old son's greatest desire is to be "in charge." He will make a great leader some day, probably the CEO of some major corporation. We remind him daily as he goes to school to not be bossy, and to be kind to others, and to have a great day. Well, our "take charge" son likes to give his Daddy some advice on his way out the door to work every morning.

He likes to stand in the doorway, day after day, with comments like, "Be good, Daddy!" "Don't boss people around!" and "Have a great day!" etc.

One morning after his usual string of friendly advice for Daddy, he stopped to think for a minute and then said, "And be sure they let you go to the playground!"

I couldn't help but laugh as I watched my husband drive away, with the biggest grin on his face ever!

Posted August 2, 2020

An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right," he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the accountant, "I counted the number of feet and divided by four."

Posted July 30, 2020

Q: What soldiers smell of salt and pepper?

A: Seasoned troops!

Posted July 28, 2020

I travel a lot for work and I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Air-fare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?" I asked.

"Denver."

Posted July 27, 2020

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off when a salesman runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

Posted July 26, 2020

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost stopped when suddenly a herd of kangaroos hops through the field. The Texan looks startled.

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Posted July 24, 2020

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

Lack of concentration.

Posted July 22, 2020

Q: Why is professional tennis such a loud game?

A: Because each player raises a big racquet.

Posted July 20, 2020

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They had lost contact with one of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to find it.

I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."

Posted July 18, 2020

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied. "Please tell him Mother didn't come after all."

Posted July 15, 2020

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving my office, he stopped and asked me, “By the way, which companies are after you?” I responded, “The gas, electric and cable company.”

Posted July 14, 2020

Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop:

"Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers."

Cashier's reply:

"That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"

Posted July 11, 2020

A tour guide was showing a tour group around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar coin across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide, "a dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Posted July 9, 2020

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."

The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."

"OK. Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Posted July 8, 2020

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

Posted July 6, 2020

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."

Posted July 3, 2020

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. It needed a bark transplant so we called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street.

He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"

Posted July 1, 2020

One afternoon, a butcher went into a pet shop. The butcher had visited that same pet shop every day for a week straight. It seems that he had fallen in love with one of the seagulls in the shop.

Alas, he had no money to spend, but the pet shop owner agreed to give him the bird in exchange for some of the delicious German sausage from the butcher's store.

And so, the deal was made. It seems that he took a tern for the wurst.

Posted June 29, 2020

The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this cave?"

The professional guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."

Posted June 28, 2020

While at a marine-supply store stocking up on equipment for my boat, I also purchased an inflatable life preserver. "It was my wife's idea," I explained to the grizzled salesman at the counter. "She's buying it for me as a gift."

"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order. "My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."

Posted June 26, 2020

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, "Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head and says. "Not again..."

Posted June 23, 2020

Recently, a guy in Paris nRecently, a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out passed security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."early got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Posted June 22, 2020

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?

A: To get his teeth crowned.

Posted June 21, 2020

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon, the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Posted June 17, 2020

Did you hear about the veterinarian who was barred from performing any surgery because he suffered from bouts of epilepsy?

The cops busted him for attempting to operate on a sick predatory bird, but the case was thrown out on a technicality.

It was an ill eagle surgeon seizure.

Posted June 15, 2020

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"

Posted June 12, 2020

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

Posted June 11, 2020

The minister was preaching on the evils of drink. He first said he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it into the river. Then he moved on to beer and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it into the river, and then get all other forms of alcohol and dump them into the river.

The choir director's face began to show a worried look. The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was "Shall We Gather At the River?"

Posted June 10, 2020

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning. That's why he's still alive, he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your grandfather? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married last night."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer shot back, "Who said he wanted to?"

Posted June 8, 2020

How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it 32 times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.

Posted June 5, 2020

When I was young I dreamed of being a test pilot. Flying higher, faster, farther. Risking my life for the science of aviation. But when I grew up I found out I wasn't qualified because of my poor eyesight.

Now I work in a post office which gives me many of the same thrills. I'm always pushing the envelope!

Posted June 3, 2020

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and faces as white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... 22 miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask ... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route 119!"

Posted June 1, 2020

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida by a professional guide.

"Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Posted May 29, 2020

Q: How do you make a bandstand?

A: Take away their chairs.

Posted May 27, 2020

"Doctor, should I have a baby after 35?"

"No, 35 children is enough."

Posted May 24, 2020

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game."

Posted May 23, 2020

An American company and a Japanese company decided to engage in an employee boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.

The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering, the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American's team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Posted May 22, 2020

Two weeks after my one-year-old's photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor.

The photographer started describing the merits of each photo, but as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn't get a word in as he pressed home his sales pitch.

Finally, after we'd seen all 20 poses, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.

"None," I replied. "This isn't my child."

Posted May 20, 2020

Smith called Dr. Jone's office for an appointment.

"I'm sorry," said the receptionist, "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."

"But I could be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment."

Posted May 18, 2020

Q: What did the fisherman say to the magician?

A: Take a cod, any cod.

Posted May 17, 2020

Professional Baseball Discussion

Team Manager: "Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?"

Team Captain: "Well, it could have been worse."

Team Manager: "How?"

Team Captain: "There could have been more teams in the league!"

Posted May 15, 2020

I went to a restaurant yesterday and the waitress told me that it served breakfast at any time.

So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Posted May 13, 2020

A co-worker of mine was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar system. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.

Posted May 10, 2020

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband, who had a high-paying job, exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Posted May 8, 2020

The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman, who was obviously an employee of the manufacturer, so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo. Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."

Posted May 6, 2020

Customer: "Hey, can you help me find this book?"

Me: "Sure."

(He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)

Customer: "Thanks! How'd you do that so fast?"

Me: "Well, I've worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author's name."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A's before B's?"

(He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)

Customer: "The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all!"

Posted May 4, 2020

Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service?

A: He wanted to rake in some cash.

Posted April 30, 2020

Pastor to Farmer: "I missed seeing you at service on Sunday."

Farmer to Pastor: "Well, I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit in a hay baler thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Posted April 29, 2020

A professional duck hunting guide was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his clients would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a longtime customer of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited his client to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded, jumped into the water and did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunting guide asked his client, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Posted April 27, 2020

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a small fortune supplying paints to the colonies.

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.

As a result of this disaster, both crews were ... marooned.

Posted April 26, 2020

A group was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide responded, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Posted April 20, 2020

An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree gives you less than twenty pounds of apples."

"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree."

Posted April 19, 2020

One Sunday morning at a small southern church the new pastor called on one of the older deacons to lead in the opening prayer. The deacon stood up, bowed his head and said, "Lord, I hate buttermilk."

The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was going. The deacon continued, "Lord, I hate lard." Now the pastor was totally perplexed.

The deacon continued, "Lord, I ain't too crazy about plain flour either. But after you mix 'em all together and bake 'em in a hot oven.... I just love biscuits!

The deacon didn't stop there. "Lord," he said, help us realize when things come up that we don't like, whenever we don't understand what You are doing, that we need to wait and see what You are making. After you get through mixing and baking, it'll probably be something even better than biscuits. Amen."

Posted April 18, 2020

A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?"

The salesman says, "No, we have birds that go cheep. Our dogs go BARK!"

Posted April 16, 2020

During his physical, a doctor asked his patient about his daily activity level.

The man said, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees."

Impressed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"Outdoorsman nothing," replied the man, "I'm just a lousy golfer.

Posted April 13, 2020

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers. Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.

So the IRS operator asked me what number I had dialed. I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood."

She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"

Posted April 10, 2020

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!"

Posted April 9, 2020

A man checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The man says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on it."

Posted April 8, 2020

Pregnant with my third child and experiencing morning sickness, I was resting on the living-room couch. Workmen were doing some minor repairs in the house. As one walked by, I explained, "Don't mind me. I'm in my first trimester."

"Oh," he said. "What's your major?"

Posted April 6, 2020

The man entered the florist shop and ordered a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to his wife. When asked what he wanted on the card, he replied that no card was necessary as she'd know who they came from.

Shortly after the flowers were delivered, the florist received a phone call from the wife asking who had sent the flowers.

The florist told her that the sender requested no card be included.

"Please, I've GOT to know WHO sent these flowers BEFORE my husband comes home for lunch!"

Posted April 3, 2020

An American businessman in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic.

He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally, he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really?" Remarked the tourist. "I never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check" was the reply.

Posted April 2, 2020

Judge: "Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Juror: "I don't want to be away from my job that long."

Judge: "Can't they do without you at work?"

Juror: "Yes, but I don't want them to know it."

Posted March 31, 2020

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor.

"In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."

Posted March 29, 2020

Q: How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!

Posted March 27, 2020

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an old lady, entered Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"All right," said the good doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, no, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said Dr. Wilson. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

Posted March 25, 2020

A scientist at a laboratory got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. And then he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room. So now he was completely naked in the halls.

He felt pretty ridiculous.

Getting an idea, he walked naked and purposefully through the corridors until he reached the Research & Development department. He walked in and said to the head scientist, "I think we can report the partial success of the personal invisibility device!"

Posted March 24, 2020

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.

As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.

"Why doesn't she try another school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"

Posted March 21, 2020

Two state troopers were chasing a car on the interstate. When the suspect crossed the state line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, Sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's across the state line now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Posted March 19, 2020

Two workers were hammering in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.

"Why do you keep throwing nails away," said the other.

"Because they have the point at the wrong end," he replied.

"You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!"

Posted March 17, 2020

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all 12 of them."

"Well, you did real good, Son," the farmer beamed. "You left with 7."

Posted March 14, 2020

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced about thirty minutes outbound from Los Angeles, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."

When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."

Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change their mind, we still have twenty-nine dinners available!"

Posted March 11, 2020

You'd never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day. He was complaining because he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheap.

Posted March 10, 2020

I was behind the counter at a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Dot you want her name engraved upon it?" I asked.

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatist, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back in my face, I can use it again."

Posted March 6, 2020

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"

Posted March 4, 2020

I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.

"So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.

"I couldn't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"

Posted March 2, 2020

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?"

The student replied, "BIG ones."

Posted March 1, 2020

A guy strikes up a conversation with a lumberjack that he meets in a bar.

"How many trees do you think you've chopped down?" the guy asks.

"Exactly 2,742," the lumberjack replies.

"How do you know?"

"Because every time I chop one down, I keep a log."

Posted February 28, 2020

Inventor: "I've just invented something that everyone in the world will want! You know how you get a nasty ring around the bathtub every time you use it, and you have to clean the ring off?"

Assistant: "Yes, I hate it when that happens."

Inventor: "Well, you need never have a bathtub ring again! I've invented the square tub..."

Posted February 27, 2020

The snow was coming down steadily and had been for several hours. My partner had been plowing for a couple of hours already, and I had just changed places with him and started to clear a new lot. I always plow the access points to the lot last to keep people out of my way, so here I am just getting started on this lot, which just happens to be a car wash, and this car stops in the middle of the street and starts honking and flashing his lights.

My partner gets out thinking that the guy is having car trouble, so he goes to help while I continue plowing. He comes back and says, "You're not gonna believe it, he wants to wash his car." I said, "Does he realize it's 28 degrees?" My partner replies, "Yes, he knows but he just has to try it." Well, I clear him a path to the nearest wash bay and continue to clear the lot, which takes roughly 45 minutes.

Meanwhile, after washing his car, the guy goes into the manager's office to talk over a cup of coffee. I leave the lot and go down the street to another customer.

About 30 minutes later, I drive by the wash and notice the same car is still there with its owner prying on his now frozen doors. By the way this is a Taurus with plastic door handles. I pick up my cell phone and beep the wash manager. He calls me back, and I tell him what is going on. Just as he steps outside, still talking to me on the phone, the guy breaks the door handle and goes flying into a snow drift loosing his hat and glasses. After crawling around in the snow, he finds his hat, full of snow, and moments later his glasses. Now the manager is on the scene. He uses the hot pressure washer to steam open the passenger side door and let the guy in. Now he starts the car to help melt the ice, and again goes inside for coffee.

I am now plowing the lot directly across the street, and I have been watching the whole thing from a distance. My phone rings again and guess what? He let it run out of gas. The manager takes a gas can up the street, brings back a couple of gallons of gas and puts it in the car himself. We don't want to take any chances now. We just want this guy to get home before he does some real damage. The guy starts his car again, leaves the wash and drives away.

Does the story end here............ NO!!!!!

He stops at the nearest gas station, fills the car and drives away with the nozzle still in the tank tearing the pump from its base. Talk about your bad days!!

Posted February 24, 2020

One night, a guy comes into a restaurant and orders a meal. He looks really down, so the waiter gets worried. "What's the matter?" he asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight," explains the guy, "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."

The waiter thinks about this for a while and says, "But isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"

"Yeah, except today is the last night."

Posted February 23, 2020

A housewife with three young children was getting dinner ready when the phone rang. The six-year-old picked it up and said, "Hi, Daddy!" and she began telling him about her day.

She then passed the phone to her brother and sister as was the custom whenever Daddy called from work.

When it was finally the wife's turn to talk she took the receiver and said, "Hi, honey."

"Thank goodness, lady," the voice on the other end replied. "I just called to tell you that the wallpaper you ordered is here!"

Posted February 22, 2020

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called "The Politician."

"All you have to do," she told her class, "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step, and turn around."

Posted February 19, 2020

A banker was arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's education.

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he asked the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

Posted February 17, 2020

Q: Who did the mortician invite to his party?

A: Anyone he could dig up!

Posted February 15, 2020

An older couple regularly attended church. The pastor was much impressed by how harmonious and how in love they seemed. They always held hands all through the service.

One day after church, the pastor couldn't resist going up to them to express his admiration. He said, "I find it so inspirational to see how deeply in love you are, even, after all these years, holding hands like that."

The wife looked up sharply and said, "It's not love, Pastor, I'm just keeping him from cracking his knuckles."

Posted February 13, 2020

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Posted February 11, 2020

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:

- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

- 24 hours supply of food and drink

- De-icer

- 5 lbs of rock salt

- flashlight with spare batteries

- Road flares and reflective triangles

- Tow rope

- 5 gallon gas can

- First aid kit

- Jumper cables

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus on to the office this morning.

Posted February 9, 2020

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Posted February 8, 2020

As I performed a simple medical procedure on my patient, I warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked her husband. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," he said. "But she was speaking to you."

Posted February 4, 2020

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Posted February 3, 2020

A director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says, "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart."

So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart." Then he turns to Arnie and says, "Arnie, who would you like to play?"

And Arnie says, "Ah'll be Bach!"

Posted February 1, 2020

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

Posted January 30, 2020

The brilliant lawyer F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm.

"Will you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the plaintiff.

The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face contorted with apparent pain.

"Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you could lift it before the accident?"

The man's arm shot above his head.

Posted January 28, 2020

Q: What do you call a Dr. of Proctology in the U.S. Navy?

A: Rear Admiral.

Posted January 26, 2020

After many years of service, a rich lady decides to fire her maid and hire someone younger. When she hears the news, the maid takes a steak out of the fridge and throws it to the family dog.

"Why did you do that?" asks the lady of the house.

"I never forget a friend," replies the maid. "That was for his help cleaning the dishes all these years!"

Posted January 25, 2020

A Professor of Literature at a local college, my friend, Larry, installed an answering machine on his telephone. Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message, Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet's famous soliloquy:

"To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all."

Posted January 23, 2020

As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems.

After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem.

Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. "Honey," she asked sweetly, "what was it again that you do for a living?"

Posted January 21, 2020

As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled.

I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say, 'Ah.'"

Posted January 19, 2020

A piece of toast, a fried egg, and a strip of bacon walk into a restaurant.

The waiter says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

Posted January 17, 2020

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit, "You got the right place."

Posted January 16, 2020

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.

All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment", she had listed "Baby-sitting".

But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home."

Posted January 14, 2020

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."

Posted January 12, 2020

Q: What kind of school does a carpenter go to?

A: Boarding school.

Posted January 11, 2020

My mother and I were walking through the mall when a paid survey taker stopped us to ask if we would take part in a survey. One of the questions was; "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"

"I don't know," replied my mother. "I'm usually too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

Posted January 10, 2020

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"

Posted January 8, 2020

One afternoon, a husband arrived home unexpectedly. He went up to the bedroom and opened the closet.

Inside was a man wearing just his underwear.

"Who are you?" the husband asked.

"I'm an exterminator," the man replied.

"What are you doing in there?"

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."

"And why are you in your underwear?" the husband wanted to know.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Posted January 6, 2020

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied, "You mean like imagine that it's good?"

Posted January 4, 2020

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Davis the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

Posted January 2, 2020

This guy is selling three parrots. Another guy who wants to buy a parrot approaches him and asks, "How much are your parrots?"

The salesman answers, "The first one is $1,000."

"What does he know?"

"He knows 10,000 words and 500 sentences and is able to solve mathematical expressions."

"How about the second one?"

"The second parrot costs $5,000."

"What does he know?"

"He knows 100,000 words and 10,000 sentences, is able to solve mathematical expressions, and create computer programs."

"Then what is the price for the third one?" the buyer is wondering.

"This one costs $20,000."

"Really?" wonders the excited buyer. "What does he know?"

"This one knows absolutely nothing, but the two others always call him 'THEIR BOSS.'"

Posted December 30, 2019

New Living Will Form for Our Employees

I, _________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Bloody Mary,

______a Margarita

______a Manhattan

______a Martini

______a Beer

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a Steak

_____ a Cigar

______Lobster or Crab Legs

______The Remote Control,

______Sex

it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Posted December 28, 2019

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "All right! Who did that? Who did that?"

Posted December 27, 2019

Nurse: "How old are you?"

Patient: "None of your business."

Nurse: "But the doctor must know your age for his records. Please, just tell me, I'm going to find it out anyway."

Patient: "Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that?"

Nurse: "Yes. Fifty."

Patient: "All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get?"

Nurse: "Zero."

Patient: "Right. And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age."

Posted December 24, 2019

A Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome

Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1998

Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1998, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patient's face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being "not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!", but thought he should have them checked out. The patient's occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember. Upon examination and ascertaining Mr. C's medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this man's occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer's Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History: Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past. He has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any relatives.

Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational Correlates: The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80 vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights. He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through the day, and worsened by stress.

He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot wounds (while flying over the Los Angles area) and bites consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights. He had a blood pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently revealed higher-than-normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces. He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of chimneys. Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates: Mr. C's depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be organic in nature-rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his personal and professional life which cause him distress. He exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence. Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he employs only vertically-challenged workers ("elfs"), but I believe his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-image problems stemming from his obesity. The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are "naughty" and "nice". Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.

Treatment and Counselling: All Mr. C's wounds were cleaned and dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem. On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet and protective accessories to his uniform. He was put on a high-fiber, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out for him next Christmas. He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing "Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!".

Conclusions: Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms, should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied professions (e.g.Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere depend on effective management of these syndromes.

Posted December 23, 2019

A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"

The doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Posted December 22, 2019

A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the lady of the house. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are great! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Posted December 20, 2019

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Posted December 19, 2019

When children come in to the doctor's office where I work, it's my job to weigh and measure them.

After several unsuccessful attempts to get one frightened three-year-old on the scale, her mother said: "Honey, Mommy has a scale at home. Do like I do and stand on it."

Recognition dawned on the child's face and she confidently stepped on the scale, looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, darn!"

Posted December 16, 2019

Posted December 15, 2019

Posted December 13, 2019

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

Posted December 9, 2019

During my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes, one man suddenly stopped.

"Why did you stop pedaling?" I shouted.

"I didn't stop," he said, wheezing. "I'm coasting."

Posted December 7, 2019

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school.

"Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be five years from now?"

"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."

Posted December 5, 2019

A guy walks into a restaurant with a small dog. The waiter says, "Sir, I'm very sorry, but we don't allow dogs in here."

The guy replies, "But this isn't just any dog ... this dog can play the piano!"

The waiter responds, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay ... and have a meal on the house!"

So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, Mozart ... and the waiter and patrons are enjoying the music.

Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.

The waiter asks the guy, "What was that all about?"

The guy says, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Posted December 2, 2019

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made two turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

Posted November 30, 2019

While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."

Posted November 28, 2019

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating
attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Posted November 26, 2019

A New York tour guide noticed a guy in a cowboy hat and boots standing and staring at Niagara Falls. Figuring he must be a Texan he walks up beside him and says, "I bet you don't have anything like that in Texas do ya?"

The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't. But, we have a plumber in Waxahachie that can fix it!"

Posted November 25, 2019

Posted November 23, 2019

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, I know first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Posted November 21, 2019

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."

Posted November 20, 2019

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbles the motorist as the policeman hands him a receipt for his traffic fine.

"Keep it," the officer advises. "When you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

Posted November 19, 2019

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I broke my arm in two places."

The doctor replies, "Well, whatever you do, don't go back to those places."

Posted November 16, 2019

Posted November 15, 2019

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Hazing the new guy," he said.

"You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet."

His reply was quick and to the point: "You didn't."

Posted November 12, 2019

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so the receptionist told him to bring the animal over.

When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"

"Oh my gosh, is it contagious?" the man gasped.

"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."

Posted November 10, 2019

A News photographer called the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for Fox News," he responded. "And I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"

Posted November 7, 2019

My daughter, Michelle, is the commander of a Coast Guard cutter. When she gave my husband, Bob, a tour of her ship, he was impressed with the neatness of all decks. However, when Michelle brought Bob to her house, he couldn't believe the disorganization.

"Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"

Michelle replied, "My house doesn't take 30-degree rolls."

Posted November 6, 2019

In one of my wife's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. my wife and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Posted November 3, 2019

Q: How do sailors get their clothes clean?

A: They throw them overboard and they wash ashore.

Posted November 1, 2019

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee, he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want him to do any physical labor, as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?"

The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."

"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."

Posted October 31, 2019

It's Halloween and this woman has nothing to wear. She puts a sheet over her and sticks horns on it and goes to work.

A co-worker asks her what she is dressed as.

She replies, "Bull Sheet."

Posted October 29, 2019

A bagpiper who plays many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The deceased man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

The bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost, but didn't stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt very badly and apologized to the men for being late.

He went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this man.

And as he played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he opened the trunk, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Posted October 26, 2019

A woman was talking to a co-worker, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything away, I am always going around the house cleaning up after him."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her co-worker replied, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

Posted October 25, 2019

An old man is sitting at his table in the hotel dining room with a bowl of soup in front of him. He calls the waiter over and asks him to taste the soup.

"Is the soup too cold?" asks the waiter.

"Taste the soup," says the old man.

"Is it too salty?" asks the waiter.

"Taste the soup!" says the old man.

"Is there a fly in it?" asks the waiter.

"JUST TASTE THE ****ING SOUP WILL YA!" the old man insists.

The waiter looks down: "OK then...Where is the spoon?"

The old man exclaims, "Aha!"

Posted October 22, 2019

I am very concerned about my job with an Asian bank. According to recent reports the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it) going for a song.

Meanwhile, 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Posted October 21, 2019

A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor she asks the dog to come back in an hour.

The dog agrees and walks out.

As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.

"Of course," says the owner, "send him down."

An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.

To which the dog replies, "What does the circus want with a carpenter?"

Posted October 19, 2019

Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There be two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us."

The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"

"That's right," he called back, "two pints."

Posted October 17, 2019

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"

She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"

Posted October 14, 2019

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."

"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

Posted October 13, 2019

Q: Why did the kid start a gardening service?

A: He wanted to rake in some cash.

Posted October 11, 2019

"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf."

"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the fish to prove it!"

Posted October 10, 2019

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

Posted October 8, 2019

Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a par 3 which measures 235 yards. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and smashes the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the hole.

A fan in the crowd came up to him and said, "Mr. Palmer, how do you make the ball back up like that with a 3 iron?"

Arnold replied, "Do you have a 3 iron?"

The fan said, "Yes sir, I do."

"How far do you hit it?"

"About 160 yards," came the answer.

Arnold calmly said, "What the heck do you want it to back up for?"

Posted October 6, 2019

In a hospital, the regulations required a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

One man, while working as a student nurse, found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, insisting that he didn't need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly agreed to being wheeled to the elevator. On the way down, the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown."

Posted October 3, 2019

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor.

When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes.

"Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Posted October 2, 2019

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient. "You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"

"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."

"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

Posted September 30, 2019

Yellowstone tourist: "Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?"

Yellowstone guide: "The glaciers brought them down."

Tourist (cluelessly): "But where are the glaciers?"

Guide (wearily): "The glaciers ... have gone back for more rocks."

Posted September 29, 2019

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every Friday night, she goes to the mall to meet up with other men! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is that mall?"

Posted September 27, 2019

Q: Where does a judge eat lunch?

A: At the food court.

Posted September 26, 2019

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Posted September 23, 2019

A lawyer called his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

Posted September 22, 2019

Before the cup of coffee even touched the table, my brother told the waitress, "Take it back. It's cold."

The waitress poured him another cup and returned a minute later, only to be told once again, "Take it back. It's cold."

The third cup, however, he accepted, which prompted the waitress to ask, "How did you know the first two cups were cold without sipping them?"

My brother said, "Because with the first two, your thumb was in the coffee."

Posted September 20, 2019

One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe, no-nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair, unaware that its rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."

Posted September 17, 2019

Posted September 15, 2019

Joe is walking along a street at night when he hears a lot of laughter and shouting from a comedy club.

Joe thinks, "Hmm...never been to a comedy club before, I'll go check it out."

In he walks, amidst hoots of laughter. He looks up at a stage in the center of the room and sees a man going to the microphone. He taps the microphone twice and says, "42." Everyone bursts out laughing and he walks off the stage.

Another man comes up and yells, "68!" The crowd laughs even louder.

A third man walks up and shouts, "12!"

Joe is quite confused by now so he finds the manager and asks, "Why does everyone laugh when they are only calling out numbers?"

"Well," says the manager, "we got tired of saying the same jokes over and over again so we assigned them numbers so each number called out is a joke."

"Ohh," said Joe. "Am I allowed a go then?"

"Sure!" the manager exclaimed. So up on to the stage went Joe and yelled at the top of his voice, "168!"

The patrons laughed so loudly the room shook. They carried him off the stage.

After that, he went to the manager and asked, "Why was my joke so funny?"

The manager was still chuckling, but he said, "Well, they haven't heard that one before."

Posted September 13, 2019

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Posted September 12, 2019

A man walks into a posh restaurant and orders his meal. While he takes the first bite and is looking around, a monkey swings down and steals his plate from him before he is able to stop it.

The man asks the waiter, "Excuse me sir, who owns the monkey?"

The waiter replies, "It belongs to the piano player."

The man walks over to the piano player and says, "Do you know your monkey stole my food?"

The pianist responds, "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Posted September 10, 2019

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

The first woman responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

Posted September 9, 2019

Before beginning the service, our pastor read aloud a note he'd been handed moments earlier. "It says here that I should announce that there will be no BS tomorrow morning," he said.

He tucked the piece of paper into a pocket and added, "I'm hoping they mean 'Bible Study'."

Posted September 6, 2019

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, “will do half of your job for you.”

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, “Fine, I ll take two.”

Posted September 5, 2019

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and, kissing his wife, responded: "Oh honey, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she answered: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

Posted September 4, 2019

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!

Posted September 2, 2019

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400. I said, "I'd like large bills, please."

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.

Posted August 31, 2019

Posted August 29, 2019

At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.

I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a baby!"

Posted August 28, 2019

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate, it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."

The guard let him pass, but he decided to keep a close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant, and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute -- what do you mean failed? Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?"

Posted August 27, 2019

I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip.

To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza.

"Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!"

Posted August 25, 2019

One day in the army I was assigned KP duty. I reported to the Mess Hall and was told by the sergeant in charge that he wanted me to make 100 gallons of soup for tonight's dinner. I told him I didn't know how to make soup. He handed me a book and told me to follow the directions carefully.

A couple hours later I had a large kettle of soup simmering. The sergeant came up and tasted the soup. He took a second spoonful and stood there staring at me. I thought I had really messed up the soup and was waiting for a reprimand.

Instead he said, "This tastes good... are you sure you followed the recipe?"

Posted August 23, 20199

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Posted August 22, 2019

One shop owner asks another, "So, have you had any responses to your ad that you're looking for a night watchman?"

"Yeah, we got robbed last night."

Posted August 20, 2019

A wealthy woman was giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attended. While the party ensued, two gardeners were out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!"

When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"

Posted August 18, 2019

The Zen Master walks up to the hot dog vendor and says, "Could you make me one with everything?"

The vendor prepares the hot dog and hands it to the zen master.

The Zen Master gives the vendor a $20 bill and the hot dog vendor puts it in his cash drawer.

The Zen Master asks, "Where is my change?"

And the hot dog vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Posted August 16, 2019

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.

Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

Posted August 13, 2019

A customer at a coffee shop that I work at was clearly peeved by the text message he'd just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

Posted August 11, 2019

Posted August 9, 2019

The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap, wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

Posted August 7, 2019

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman.

"I guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please?" The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck, "I work as a plasterer on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager. The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. The barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," says the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" asks the duck.

"Of course," replies the barman. "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looks very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"

Posted August 5, 2019

I was working as a pregnancy health instructor and the room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

I said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path. Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" I said.

"Would it be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Posted August 4, 2019

A doctor answers a call from one of his colleagues.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, very serious," said the doctor gravely. "There are three doctors there already."

Posted August 1, 2019

Letter of Rejection of Rejection Letter

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of _________.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

Posted July 30, 2019

A highly paid college football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.

"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Posted July 28, 2019

Posted July 26, 2019

During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance.

This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day."

It was submitted by our local funeral director.

Posted July 24, 2019

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Posted July 23, 2019

Robbie never wanted to believe that his Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when Robbie got home, all the signs were there.

Posted July 19, 2019

Judge: "The jury has found you not guilty of fraud. You may leave."

Defendant: "Does that mean that I can keep the money?"

Posted July 17, 2019

This is a supposedly true story:

A driving instructor at a high school had learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day there were three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, the instructor asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, the student replied in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"

Posted July 14, 2019

A new nurse listened while Dr. Johnson was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

Posted July 12, 2019

A gang-banger by profession and his girlfriend were walking downtown one night when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the gang-banger said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing," the gang-banger said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Damn, baby!" the gangster cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!"

Posted July 11, 2019

When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.

One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

Posted July 8, 2019

A Mission Statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."

All good companies have one.

Posted July 6, 2019

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. As a Manager of Safety and Planning at his company, he was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Honey, take the wheel... Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it."

So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was reading a novel. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him,

"Honey, go into the kitchen. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

Posted July 4, 2019

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free."

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

Posted July 3, 2019

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for a long time with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches, with this piercing pain and..."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear."

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I also suffered from that same type of headache for many years. Here's how I cured it: Every day I would ask my wife to give me a neck massage. This would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."

Two weeks go by and the man is back.

"Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment, I can't thank you enough. And by the way, you have a great house."

Posted July 1, 2019

As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home," he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."

The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."

Posted June 29, 2019

Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away.

She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died."

The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words.

Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete died. Boat for sale."

Posted June 26, 2019

A man entered a restaurant and ordered some food and a glass of water. He took a sip of the water, then tossed the remainder into the waiter's face.

Before the waiter could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to waiters. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, it's a compulsion."

Far from being angry, the waiter was sympathetic. He suggested that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the waiter said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the waiter, and left. The waiter smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the waiter asked, serving the glass of water.

"I did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the water. Then he threw the remainder into the waiter's face.

The flustered waiter wiped his face with a towel. "The therapy doesn't seem to be working," he sputtered.

"Oh," the man claimed, "it's working great."

"But you threw the water in my face again!" the waiter responded.

"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

Posted June 25, 2019

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A: Odor in the court.

Posted June 24, 2019

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a "barrister."

My 13-year-old daughter wasn't impressed. "So," she said, "he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?"

Posted June 23, 2019

The doctor looked at my test results and said, "Sir, you've got a very rare disease."

I said, "How rare?"

He said, "You pick the name."

Posted June 19, 2019

One night, a guy comes home from work really late and finds his wife asleep in bed.

Without turning on a light, he slowly goes over to her side and gives her a long, passionate kiss.

Afterwards, he heads straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he gets there, the light is on and he sees his wife, shaving her legs.

He exclaims, "What are you doing in here?"

She says, "Shhhh!" pointing at the bed, "you'll wake my mother."

Posted June 17, 2019

While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his.

"What rank are you?" I asked.

"I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major."

"Relieved? Why?"

"Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

Posted June 14, 2019

A young family moved into their new home next door to an empty plot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing $5.

The little girl took it home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got there, the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she got the money.

She proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew, building a house."

"Wow," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless @#$%& at the supplier ever bring us the &#$%@ drywall!"

Posted June 12, 2019

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Posted June 11, 2019

Posted June 10, 2019

Posted June 8, 2019

Posted June 5, 2019

A man comes into the vet's office with his dog. The vet guides him to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the table. He examines the dog and after a few moments tells the man that it has digestive problems.

The man, not willing to accept this diagnosis, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat and puts it down next to the dog. The cat walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog. The dog looks at the cat, clearly agitated, but the owner is able to calm him down. The cat finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat also thinks that your dog has digestive issues."

The man is still unwilling to believe it.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the annoyed dog, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab also thinks your dog has a digestive disorder."

The man finally accepts the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to simply tell me my dog has digestive issues?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab test."

Posted June 3, 2019

Q: What do you call a surgeon with eight arms?

A: A doctopus!

Posted June 2, 2019

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might not be able to paint anymore, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so thankful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. One reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'"

Posted May 31, 2019

Heard from a London Bus Driver:

"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.

If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."

Posted May 29, 2019

Smith was always tired. After a while, he became known in the office for dozing off at his desk, sometimes even several times a day.

Granted, he had a reason: his wife had just had twins and he didn't get much sleep at home. But his boss was having none of it. He told Smith, that if he was caught sleeping on the job one more time, he would be fired.

The same week, the boss decided to make a surprise visit at Smith's desk, to see if the situation had improved.

You can imagine, what happened next: he found Smith asleep.

But Smith was a quick thinker. He woke up just in time, remained in his position and calmly delivered the following line that saved his job: "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

Posted May 27, 2019

I just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There's no menu, we just give you what you deserve.

Posted May 26, 2019

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented, "You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career."

Posted May 23, 2019

A classics professor rips his favorite pair of trousers, so he takes them to the Greek tailor in his neighborhood to get them mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?"

The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?"

Posted May 21, 2019

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

Nurse: No change yet.

Posted May 20, 2019

I was three days into my new job working on a passenger cruise ship when everyone could see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

Posted May 19, 2019

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Posted May 15, 2019

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like him.

Posted May 14, 2019

Pharmacist to Customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing your marriage certificate and your wife's picture is not enough!"

Posted May 12, 2019

The new ensign was assigned to submarines, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the master chief with his expertise learned in sub school.

The master chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, SIR, it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

Posted May 10, 2019

As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later, she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found it. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers greeted her.

One of the men handed over her handbag and a box.

"We're required to inventory found wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything here."

As she started to put her belongings back into the purse, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse ... and we'd like to see just HOW you do it."

Posted May 8, 2019

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

Posted May 6, 2019

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the man in front of him.

Surprised, the customer turned and snarled, "Just what the heck are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a tax collector. Do you see me pickpocketing the guy in front of me?"

Posted May 5, 2019

How To Tell That Your New Job May Not Be As Good As You Thought

•You work for a food company and everyone goes out for lunch.

•The boss with a terrible cold and flu decides to hold an all morning meeting with the entire office.

•The company has run out of stamps and has to borrow some from the receptionist.

•Your new computer screensaver has naked pictures of the customer service manager on it.

•The other half of the building burned down last night, but since you still have a little electricity, you keep working. But there is such a cold draft coming from that end.

•The CEO comes into work drunk from the employee party last night.

•Everybody hits upon you to buy candy for their kid's charity (twenty last week!).

•You get tired of the makeshift bowling alley they put up in the hallway during working hours.

•There is wine and beer in the vending machines.

•The family that owns the business is so poor that they are using food stamps at the local grocery store.

•The boss came into work one day in his pajamas.

•The office manager still likes acid rock music blaring out of his office.

•You need a pass to go to the bathroom.

•A security guard frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they come into the building. The CEO frisks everyone, especially the receptionist, when they go out.

•You find out that for computing, they use digital: five fingers on each hand.

Posted May 2, 2019

A man sees a job ad posted on a construction site, "Handy man wanted; apply within."

So he does and speaks to the foreman.

"Can you drive a Bobcat?" the foreman asks.

"No."

"Can you plaster?"

"No."

"Have you ever done any carpentry?"

"No."

"If you don't mind me asking," says the foreman, "what's so handy about you?"

"Well, I only live about five minutes down the road..."

Posted April 30, 2019

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Patient: Really? What color?

Posted April 29, 2019

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me Doc?" he asks.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly!"

Posted April 27, 2019

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

Posted April 24, 2019

Posted April 23, 2019

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."

Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."

The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."

"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."

Posted April 22, 2019

Two resident doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital. A senior consultant had to pull them apart. "What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.

"It's the tax auditor in C ward," said one. "He's only got 2 days to live."

"He had to be told." said the second doctor.

"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"

Posted April 19, 2019

While waiting in line at a busy airport check-in counter, I noticed a set of rambunctious little boys in front of me. As the line inched along, their mother tried in vain to get them to calm down.

Finally she reached the counter, where the ticket agent asked her, "Have any of the items you plan to take with you on this flight been out of your immediate control since your arrival at the airport?"

The young mother replied honestly, "The luggage, no; the children, yes."

Posted April 18, 2019

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

Posted April 16, 2019

A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a laugh; "You're kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Posted April 14, 2019

Posted April 12, 2019

One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon... "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands..."

After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her, this one from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"

Posted April 10, 2019

Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say:

You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood.

It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.

I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."

Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?

You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people. Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.

Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.

I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck.

Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?

Do you have a high powered rifle handy?

You wouldn't happen to have some extra pesticides in storage around the house, would you?

"EEEEEKKK!!!!!!"

"Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..."

"The good news is... you have termites."

"Do you happen to have a large net?"

"You know, I'm also a taxidermist."

"Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

"This could get expensive."

Posted April 8, 2019

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

A time traveler walks into a bar.

Posted April 7, 2019

There are two types of workers in the world: Those who crave closure

Posted April 3, 2019

I was helping out with a tennis camp for little kids. At the beginning, the tennis pro running the event was talking about good sportsmanship.

He asked "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?"

This cute little 5-year-old raised his hand, got called on, and said, "Baseball."

Posted April 2, 2019

I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced:

"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion that many of us held regarding our daily routine was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."

Posted March 30, 2019

Posted March 29, 2019

The speed limit on the highway running through our small town was changed from 40 to 35 MPH.

Then one afternoon the town mayor was stopped in the coffee shop by a police officer. "Can I speak to you a moment?" he said.

"Sure," the mayor replied. "What can I help you with?"

"We're advising people that the speed limit has been lowered on the highway through town, and we'd appreciate your cooperation."

"No problem," said the mayor. "Do you want me to bring this up at the next council meeting?"

"No," replied the police officer. "We want you to slow down."

Posted March 27, 2019

A college coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn't pass the school's entrance exam.

Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.

"Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?"

The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, "I think it's 49."

Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"

Posted March 26, 2019

A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his steak.

"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but notice you had your thumb on my steak."

"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want to drop it again."

Posted March 23, 2019

Q: What rock group has four men who don't sing?

A: Mount Rushmore.

Posted March 22, 2019

Posted March 19, 2019

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected.

The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

"This is a disaster," the husband answered, "I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

Posted March 18, 2019

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with cutting down a tree without having permission to do so, using a chain saw."

Suddenly, from out in the gallery, a woman shouts, "Lying miser!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge says. He turns to the defendant and says, "You are also charged with cutting a hedge in a protected area using an electric hedge trimmer."

"Darn tightwad!" the same woman in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with using an electric drill outside your house during night hours."

"You jerk!" the woman from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the woman: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The woman answered, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Posted March 16, 2019

For the first few months of her co-op job for our state, my sister had nothing to do. So, she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker.

"I know," he complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing."

Posted March 13, 2019

The butcher backed into the meat grinder And got a little behind in his work.

Posted March 12, 2019

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked the usual question, "If our chute doesn't open and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him very seriously and said, "You have the rest of your life."

Posted March 11, 2019

Two women are standing in line to pay their bill at a restaurant. As soon as it's their turn, they hand the young waitress a credit card.

After swiping the card, she loudly called out to her manager, "Mr. Andrews, what do I do if it says 'rejected'?"

As the women's faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Andrews walked out from the kitchen.

"Well," he answered, wiping his hands, "the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip."

Posted March 10, 2019

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Posted March 7, 2019

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone came to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, vegetable scraps and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them fish, whole grains, hot corn mash and as much fresh fruit and vegetables as I can get my hands on. Why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked the same question.

The hesitant farmer answered after a minute of careful thought: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever it is they want."

Posted March 6, 2019

Dentist to a patient sitting in his chair: This is probably going to hurt.

Patient: What's wrong? Is it bad?

Dentist: It isn't good. Maybe you should brace yourself.

Patient: I can take it.

Dentist: I'm sleeping with your wife.

Posted March 4, 2019

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true", the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so." The doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

Posted March 3, 2019

A professional, big game hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pygmy warrior standing beside it.

Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?"

The pygmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little fellow like you kill a huge beast like that?"

"I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pygmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."

Posted March 1, 2019

Employer: "Where did you receive your training?"

Applicant: "Yale."

Employer: "Great, what's your name?"

Applicant: "Yim Yohnson."

Posted February 27, 2019

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.

"Your wife must love these rolls," he said.

"How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked.

"Because I'm pretty sure your mother would not send you out in weather like this."

Posted February 22, 2019

Ben, an intensely musical individual, was burdened with a brother-in-law who had the virtue of being a successful businessman, but who was undeniably the least cultured person in town. Ben found this very humiliating and labored to introduce the poor creature to the finer things in life.

At last, through much effort, Ben persuaded his brother-in-law to accompany him to a presentation of the opera 'Carmen'. He held his breath, fearing some last minute event would spoil everything, but the day came and Ben and his brother-in-law actually entered the opera house and took their places in an excellent box.

To Ben's satisfaction the opera seemed to catch his brother-in-law's fancy at once. He listened open-mouthed and round-eyed, following every move and absorbing every note.

Ben was absolutely triumphant when, as they were leaving the theater, his brother-in-law was singing under his breath, "To-ray-a-dor-uh, guard-un! To-ray-a-dor, To-ray-a-dor!"

Ben said, beaming, "So you like the Toreador Song, do you?"

His brother-in-law replied with excitement, "Of course I do! And as a practical businessman I'm not afraid of making a prediction, either. I'm telling you, that song's going to be a hit!"

Posted February 18, 20199

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked.

"I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

Posted February 17, 2019

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the older priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The older priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The older priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kidding?!? What happened next?'"

Posted February 15, 2019

A newspaper editor received this note from a reader:

"My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, cancel my subscription to your paper."

Posted February 13, 2019

A businessman was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.

After the man read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all it says here?"

The agent said, "You most certainly have...why do you ask?"

The man replied, "Cancel the sale...it is too good to part with."

Posted February 11, 2019

A man driving home from work got lost in his car during a snow storm. He remembered something he had read earlier: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and he followed it for about 45 minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked the man what he was doing.

He explained that he had read somewhere that if he ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the mall parking lot, now you can follow me over to the ice rink."

Posted February 10, 2019

A shipwrecked sailor spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge showed the marooned sailor a few news headlines and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Posted February 8, 2019

A young man named John applied for a salesman's job at a big department store. It was one of the biggest stores in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

At the end of the next business day the boss came around and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said John.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss.

"Well, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his car probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe version we have."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered John, "he came in to buy a present for his mother-in-law, who'll come to visit on Friday, so I said to him, 'Well, since your weekend's messed up, you might as well go fishing.'"

Posted February 7, 2019

Posted February 6, 2019

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says

"Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question

"What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question

"What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

Posted February 3, 2019

Posted February 2, 2019

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.

This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus made up of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.

Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.

Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

Posted January 31, 2019

Posted January 29, 2019

How many government bureaucrats does it take to put in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other inserts the bulb into the water faucet.

Posted January 28, 2019

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Posted January 26, 2019

A businessman is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?"

The businessman gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly."

"I'm not afraid of flying," says the businessman sobbing loudly, "I'm trying to give up drinking."

Posted January 24, 2019

When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the hotel while we were on vacation."

Posted January 21, 2019

Police Chief: "As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

New Recruit: "Call for backup!"

Posted January 17, 2019

Posted January 15, 2019

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.

Posted January 14, 2019

Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am. I just got a promotion a the office and am on the fast track in my job."

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.

"There are twelve of us..."

Posted January 13, 2019

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Posted January 11, 2019

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided its self on the amount of SHIT it gives our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressional Representative, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

Posted January 8, 2019

Posted January 6, 2019

A plane is on its final approach into an airport.

The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Captain Martin. We're now on our final descent. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, watcha gonna do today?"

Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and brush my teeth. Then I'm gonna ask the new stewardess out for dinner."

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, an elderly lady grabs her by the arm to stop her, leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's gotta brush his teeth first."

Posted January 4, 2019

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"

The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."

Posted January 2, 2019

Posted January 1, 2019

I was talking with a co-worker on our last day at the office before the New Year and she bemoaned her family's lack of holiday rituals.

"My family doesn't have any traditions," she complained. "We just do the same thing year after year after year."

Posted December 29, 2018

A woman visited her new doctor. After about ten minutes, she went screaming down the hall.

Another doctor, who practiced on the same floor, asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

The second doctor went back to the first and said, "You can't do that. Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The first doctor simply smiled and said: "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Posted December 25, 2018

Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, Sally made a list of things she needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping.

As it happened, a co-worker whom Sally had been promising to take to lunch called to ask about going out right then. Having no objections, Sally hopped into the car and taped her "To do" list to the dashboard before leaving to pick her co-worker up.

As Sally's friend settled into the car, she caught sight of the "To do" list and her face immediately dropped.

"Thanks a lot!" she sulked after noticing the first item on the list.

It read: "Take out the Turkey."

Posted December 23, 2018

A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him.

"Why are the curtains closed," he said. "Is it night?"

A nurse replied, "No, it's just that there's a fire at the empty warehouse across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful."

Posted December 20, 2018

Posted December 18, 2018

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving the castle and called one of his squires. "Here is the key to my treasure chest. I will be gone for about a year and I want you to keep it safe until I return. Don't let anyone near my gold."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes a look back at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."

Posted December 17, 2018

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's okay," he reassured the man, "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Posted December 15, 2018

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman calls the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels...just lean on each other until they arrive."

Posted December 14, 2018

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Posted December 10, 2018

The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note reading, "Check out my swords."

That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as before but with this added his note: 'Nice swords.'

Posted December 9, 2018

Two guys were talking at work. "I've got a problem," said the first one.

"What is it?"

"My wife has done it to me again. I'm supposed to buy my mother-in-law a present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I mean it's HER mother, why can't she buy it?"

"What did you buy her last year?" the other one asked.

"Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot."

"Hmmmm, hard to top that one," said the other.

The two guys couldn't come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn't buy his mother-in-law anything for her birthday. When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"

Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year!"

Posted December 5, 2018

Posted December 2, 2018

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?"

So, they all went to the back fence to check it out.

The first contractor took out his tape measure, did some measuring and said, "Well, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the second contractor. He also took out his tape measure, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Without so much as moving, the third contractor said, "$2,700."

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," he said. "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy doing it for $700."

Posted December 1, 2018

Payday today. Looking at my account balance I can see that my complete lack of planning all year has paid off. I have no money to buy anybody any Christmas presents.

That really takes the pressure off.

Posted November 28, 2018

Two women co-workers were shopping during their lunch break. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in two weeks."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Not yet," the first replied, "I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first."

Posted November 26, 2018

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Posted November 24, 2018

Posted November 20, 20188

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

Posted November 19, 2018

Posted November 17, 2018

I'd never had surgery, and I was nervous.

"This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure," the anesthesiologist reassured me.

I started to feel better until he continued, "Heck, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery."

Posted November 15, 2018

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Posted November 13, 2018

Because of the reaction people have when they wake up and realize it's a workday again and the weekend is over, the first day of the week is called Moanday.

Many people too busy to cook on the second day of the week just open a can of beans. Hence the day is known as Tootsday.

By the third day of the week, people are wondering when they can ever find the time to get everything done this week that they need to, hence the day is known as Whensday.

Too bleary to even count properly, people think it's only Day Three of the week on the next day, therefore it's er- roneously called Thirdsday.

On the last day of the workweek, people often go out "for a few" after work. By the time they get home, they're too tired to cook anything elaborate, so they just throw a piece of meat, chicken, or fish in the skillet. That's why the day is known as Fryday.

Saturday night all the singles let loose. There's a lot of sexual hijinks. It's pretty obvious why the day is called Satyrday.

And on the last day of the week--and the weekend--people look at all the items on their to-do lists that didn't get crossed off, groan aloud, and make themselves promises they won't keep. Therefore the day is called Soonday.

Posted November 12, 2018

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Posted November 9, 2018

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him a legal document.

"The whole thing was a bit complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure to accommodate all your requests. Due to the amount of work involved, my fee is $4,500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away.

Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour's work isn't bad."

Posted November 6, 2018

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a stupid sense of humor.

Posted November 4, 2018

An unemployed guy is getting desperate. He has a dog, so he brings it to a talent scout, puts it on the table and says, "My dog can talk."

The talent scout looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers, "ROOF."

The talent scout says to the owner, "Who are you kidding?"

The dog's owner says, "Give him another try, ask him something else."

The talent scout agrees, turns to the dog and asks, "What do we do when we carry all our furniture and other stuff from one house to another?"

The dog answers with a muffled "MOVE."

With that the talent scout tells them to leave.

They exit the office, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Why are we leaving, was it the wrong answer?"

Posted November 2, 2018

Years ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Posted October 31, 2018

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Posted October 28, 2018

There was a businesswoman who had just completed a huge development project for an obscenely rich investor.

When she was leaving the investor's office he offered her diamonds, rubies and a silver-plated luxury car, but she declined.

The investor insisted, so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a message from him: "So far I have bought you three golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools."

Posted October 27, 2018

Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?

The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.

Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

Posted October 25, 2018

After shopping for weeks, I finally found the car of my dreams. It was only two years old and in beautiful condition. The salesman asked if I would like to take it for a test drive. We had traveled no more than two miles when the car broke down. The salesman called for a tow truck.

When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me with a smile and said, "Well, now, what is it going to take to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?"

Posted October 23, 2018

Posted October 21, 2018

My co-worker and I were teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks from the young woman driving the beverage cart. As my buddy reached for his wallet, he said to her, "You're in great shape. You must work out a lot."

Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, "Oh, thank you so much!"

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart. "Watch this," I whispered. I walked up to her and said, "Wow, you look great. You must work out a lot."

"Yeah," she replied flatly. "You should try it."

Posted October 19, 2018

At the height of a corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Posted October 17, 2018

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Posted October 13, 2018

The following is supposedly a true story. A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver dropped his client at a mall before he filled up the tank.

The cat remained in the car, laying down on top of the limousine's back seat. The service station's attendant glanced at the unusual passenger.

Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

Posted October 10, 2018

As a new school Principal, Mr. Gondek was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

Posted October 7, 2018

Posted October 5, 2018

Posted October 4, 2018

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth 50,000 years ago at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."

The business lady sitting next to me exclaimed: "Wow, look! It just missed the highway!"

Posted October 1, 2018

How many surrealist artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A giraffe.

Posted September 29, 2018

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'

When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.

"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" I said.

She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

Posted September 28, 2018

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says, "Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place."

Our hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says..."Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"

Posted September 26, 2018

A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch.

A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.

She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just - "

"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.

"I know," said the librarian, "but the Oxford English Dictionary?"

Posted September 24, 2018

A Life Under The Sea

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of its flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and then conched him with a malpractice suit. Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickerel.

The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff's clam.

Posted September 20, 2018

Posted September 17, 2018

A steeplechase jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''

Posted September 16, 2018

An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Posted September 13, 2018

A high school senior was inspecting a university, where he hoped to attend the following autumn.

As he was walking across the campus, he stopped a distinguished-looking man and asked: "Sir, can you please tell me where your library is at?"

The man looked down his nose and replied: "Son, I'm head of the English department, and I can assure you we don't end our sentences with prepositions. Re-cast your sentence in a proper form and I will reply."

"Can you tell me where your library is at, damn it?"

Posted September 11, 2018

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

Posted September 9, 2018

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the chief monk said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the chief monk said to him: "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John replied, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the chief monk responded. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the chief monk. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold food," answered Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office. "What are your two words you want to say today?"

"I quit," replied Brother John.

"I'm not surprised," said the chief monk. "You've done nothing but whine and complain since you got here."

Posted September 8, 2018

A friend had a waitressing position open at his diner and asked job seekers to fill out an application.

Under "Salary Expected," a woman wrote "Friday."

Posted September 5, 2018

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

Posted September 4, 2018

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

Doctor: Sell!

Posted September 3, 2018

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and the CEO thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business. He walks up to the guy and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy."

Posted August 31, 2018

Posted August 29, 2018

"Waiter!" shouted the furious diner, "how dare you serve me this! There's a damn TWIG in my soup!"

"My apologies," said the waiter, "I'll inform the branch manager."

Posted August 27, 2018

Posted August 25, 2018

A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.

"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when we're not being scammed here?"

"Raise porcupines, ma'am."

Posted August 23, 2018

Posted August 22, 2018

The owner of a pharmacy arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall outside the business. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk, "What's up?"

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative."

"A laxative won't cure a cough," the owner replies.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

Posted August 20, 2018

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for two scoops of chocolate ice cream.

The man behind the counter says, "I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream."

The lady says, "OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup."

The man says, "Ma'am, we are all out of chocolate."

The little old lady says, "OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone."

The man, a little more irritated this time says, "Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla."

The lady says, "V A N."

The man says, "OK, spell straw as in strawberry."

The lady says, "S T R A W."

The man says, "OK, now spell freak as in chocolate."

The lady says, "There ain't no freak in chocolate."

The man replies, "Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!"

Posted August 19, 2018

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Posted August 16, 2018

Posted August 15, 2018

An elderly gentleman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

Posted August 13, 2018

Posted August 12, 2018

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"

To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Posted August 10, 2018

A female co-worker of mine, who was speeding home from work, had an officer pull her to the side of the road.

She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Posted August 9, 2018

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!

Doctor: Stay out of those places!

Posted August 5, 2018

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just give the old bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Posted August 4, 2018

Payday was only yesterday and my check is already spent.

Anyway, a co-worker and I were heading out to lunch earlier.

"Hey, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill?" I asked as we drove to the restaurant.

"I think I do," he said pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "Here," he said handing me five twenties.

"Great, thanks," I said pocketing the money. "I'll give you the hundred next week."

Posted July 31, 20188

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?

Patient: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

Posted July 30, 2018

Joe wanted to be an actor from the time he was a little boy. He was in all the school plays and received rave reviews. Upon his graduation he headed to Europe, and for 7 years studied every method of acting available.

After 7 years Joe headed to New York, ready to make his debut on stage. Unfortunately, the stage wasn't quite ready for him, so for 2 years he supplemented his meager acting income by working as a waiter.

Then, one day, he saw that they were casting for an on Broadway play, bound to be a hit. "What the heck" Joe thought and went for an audition.

By the time he got there all the parts, except for one had been cast.

"This is a one liner" the casting director told him. "All you have to say it "hark, is that a cannon I hear".

Joe thought for a minute and finally decided that one line on Broadway was worth a lead in an off-off Broadway production. He took the part.

For weeks Joe practised in front of the mirror at home-determined to get his one line so perfect that he would be noticed.

"HARK, is that a cannon I hear"

Hark, IS that a cannont I hear"

Hark, is that a CANNON I hear"

Over and over and over he would practice these words, but he couldn't decide how to deliver the line. He lost weight, didn't sleep much, got fired from his job. Still, for hours he would stand in front of the mirror.

"Hark is that a cannon I HEAR"

"HARK IS THAT A CANNON I HEAR"

Finally, it was opening night and Joe still hadn't nailed the line. He knew he had to be noticed. All the media would be there, the reviewers, the TV stations, the shakers and the movers. He had to get it right.

In costume, ready to go on, Joe was still muttering

"HARK, is that a CANNON I hear"

"Hark, IS that a cannon I HEAR"

"Take your places" he was told and he stepped on stage, in costume, still muttering his line.

Suddenly, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! reverberated through the stage.

"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?"

Posted July 28, 2018

Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire."

Posted July 27, 2018

Bernie was invited to his co-worker's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Posted July 22, 2018

Posted July 20, 2018

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a peaceful evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.

Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing. When I came up, I hit my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And mister, I TOLD HER!"

Posted July 18, 2018

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a paint job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply, "but I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street."

Posted July 14, 2018

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Posted July 12, 2018

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Posted July 10, 2018

Q: Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?

A: So he could loaf around!

Posted July 9, 2018

A band director was standing outside on a metal ladder during a concert, when a thunderstorm broke out.

Amazingly, he wasn't hit by lightning, but the music was awful - it seems he just wasn't a very good conductor.

Posted July 5, 2018

Most dentist chairs go up and down, don't they? The one Mr. Wilson was in went back and forwards.

He thought, "This is unusual."

The dentist said, "Mr. Wilson, get out of the filing cabinet."

Posted July 3, 2018

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket!"

Posted July 1, 2018

Posted June 28, 2018

Posted June 26, 2018

At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one.

"I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one," said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction.

"No," said the boy. "This painting is wider, so it'll cover the three holes I put in the wall."

Posted June 24, 2018

Occupations

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Posted June 21, 2018

A pretty young blonde stood at the bank cashier's window and smiled. "I'd like to cash this check, please," she said, handing it over.

The teller examined the check and said: "Could you identify yourself, Miss?"

For a moment the lovely girl's brow creased over, then with a bright look she fumbled in her handbag and producing a mirror, glanced in it and with relief said, "Yes! It's me, all right!"

The clerk said, "No Ma'am, you misunderstood me. We require a photo identification."

The girl searched her bag again and found a picture with a group of people. "This is a recent family photo," she explained. "That's me, third from the left."

Posted June 20, 2018

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Posted June 17, 2018

Posted June 14, 2018

"Will the father be present during the birth?" the obstetrician asked solicitously.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

Posted June 12, 2018

Posted June 9, 2018

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy and bigoted. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within five minutes."

Posted June 7, 2018

A writer was preparing a story taking place in the desert.

He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "Suddenly, two mongooses crossed her path."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses.

Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "Suddenly, two mongeese crossed her path."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one.

Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over.

"She would have been surprised about one mongoose appearing out of nowhere," he typed. "But two of them?"

Posted June 4, 2018

Mr. Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing company.

Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years.

The entire staff was intrigued but no one was game to ask him what was in the drawer.

Finally the time came for Mr. Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation.

As soon as Mr. Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper.

It read, "Debits on the left, credits on the right."

Posted June 2, 2018

"Doctor, these pills you gave me for body odor..."

"Yes, what's wrong with them?"

"They keep slipping out from under my arms."

Posted May 30, 2018

In honor of Memorial Day, the teacher I worked with read the Constitution to her third-grade class. After reading "We the people," she paused to ask the children what they thought that meant.

One boy raised his hand and asked, "Is that like 'We da bomb?'"

Posted May 28, 2018

My co-worker said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Posted May 27, 2018

Doctor: "You need new glasses."

Patient: "How do you know? I haven't told you what's wrong with me yet."

Doctor: "I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window."

Posted May 25, 2018

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. The people who produce the bottles. The truck drivers who deliver the beer and the retailers who sell it.

If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Posted May 20, 2018

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes nine visits.

Posted May 19, 2018

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office and I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.

But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"

Posted May 17, 20188

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate" the arm says.

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem... Your arm is broke!"

Posted May 14, 2018

Posted May 12, 2018

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

Posted May 11, 2018

Posted May 7, 2018

A manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man.

But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him--his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it.

One day he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!"

Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

Posted May 6, 2018

I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. "This is where the judge sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see," I finished, "there are a lot of people involved in making this system work."

At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."

Posted May 1, 2018

Q: What kind of job training school does a carpenter go to?

A: Boarding school.

Posted April 30, 2018

Posted April 29, 2018

Posted April 26, 2018

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Posted April 23, 2018

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works painting lines down the center of rural roads. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.

The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work out." The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged."

The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him." The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great. The first day you did four miles and the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the two mile minimum?"

The man replied, "I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."

Posted April 21, 2018

Posted April 19, 2018

As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.

One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked. I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."

Posted April 18, 2018

"I came in to make an appointment with the dentist," said the man to the receptionist.

"I'm sorry sir," she replied. "He's out right now, but..."

"Thank you," interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient. "When will he be out again?"

Posted April 15, 2018

A preacher woke up on a Sunday morning, and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful day, he decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor he was feeling sick and persuaded him to conduct the service for him that day.

As soon as the associate pastor left the room, the preacher headed out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his church.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. At about this time, St. Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then the preacher hit the ball, and it shot straight toward the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420-yard hole-in-one.

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Posted April 13, 2018

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does that work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does that work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will that cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Posted April 10, 2018

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I have a surprise for you. I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

Posted April 8, 2018

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.

When confronted by his boss, the man explained: "You can't park anywhere near this place!"

Posted April 6, 2018

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"

Posted April 2, 2018

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes.

I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

Posted March 30, 2018

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee...

...when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale."

Posted March 26, 2018

Young Actor: "Dad, guess what? I've just got my first paying part in a play. I play the part of a man who's been married for 30 years."

Father: "Well, keep at it, son. Maybe one day you'll get a speaking part."

Posted March 25, 2018

Q: What size of soap does a judge use?

A: Trial size!

Posted March 22, 2018

As an instructor in driver education I've learned that even the brightest students...

... can become flustered behind the wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.

Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

Posted March 21, 2018

I was a tour guide leading a group of tourists visiting a castle that was directly in the flight path of a large airport.

While they were standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"

Posted March 17, 2018

At three o'clock one morning a veterinary surgeon was woken from a deep sleep by the ringing of his telephone. He staggered downstairs and answered the phone.

"I'm sorry if I woke you," said a voice at the other end of the line.

"That's all right," said the vet, "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Posted March 13, 2018

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man paid and quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

Posted March 11, 2018

Posted March 10, 2018

How many journalists does it take to put in a light bulb?

Only one, but they'll tell everybody.

Posted March 9, 2018

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Posted March 7, 2018

There were three co-workers in a restaurant. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well... What about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged.

His friends were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison.

"Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!'"

Posted March 4, 2018

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

Posted March 1, 2018

Posted February 27, 2018

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, "How do you feel?"

"How would you feel," the astronaut replied, "if you were stuck here, on top of thousands or even millions of parts, each one supplied by the lowest bidder?"

Posted February 25, 2018

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read "CLEARANCE 11ft 3in."

They got out and measured their rig, which was 12ft 4in.

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

Posted February 22, 2018

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Posted February 20, 2018

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

Posted February 18, 2018

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Posted February 17, 2018

When the office printouts began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician inspected the equipment and informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning.

The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operator's manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00 if he did the work.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, "Does your boss know you are discouraging business?"

"Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers. After people try first to fix things themselves, we end up making much more money on repairs."

Posted February 14, 2018

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

Posted February 11, 2018

An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Bob. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right," he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the accountant, "I counted the number of feet and divided by four."

Posted February 10, 2018

A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five- year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator."

To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back."

Posted February 7, 2018

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take and our HR department passed it along to all employees:

- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- De-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Jump cables

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.

Posted February 4, 2018

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

Posted February 2, 2018

Posted January 31, 2018

Chef's Dictionary

•Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the preparation of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm to the bite. Pasta that has been boiled too long is described, according to the degree to which it has been overcooked, as al gummo, al musho, at botcho, and al garbaggio.

•Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits are present, hunks of meat are sacrificed by being burnt on braziers by sauce- smeared men wearing odd hats and aprons with cabalistic slogans, and human flesh is offered to insects.

•Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a roasting pan are carefully transferred -- with a basting siphon, ladle or spoon -- to the oven rack, the bottom of the oven, the inside of the oven door, the floor, the stove top, and the counter.

•Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

•Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a fashion that the cook must turn the page just after the point where a thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed by hand.

•Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that any given individual will start eating tomorrow, next week, or after the beginning of the new year.

•Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides nourishment. There are basically four broad categories of food: carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.

•Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen task in one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.

•Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.

•Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part.

•Health Food: Any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.

•Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with a label containing lies in a foreign language.

•Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at breakfast with toast, muffins or other baked goods. Oddly enough, jams and jellies are considered diet foods, since the calories expended in opening the jars and packets in which they are sold greatly exceeds the number consumed in the course of eating their contents.

•Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that should have been put somewhere else.

•Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek soup.

•Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to serve it this evening should have been soaking in since at least last night.

•Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them noodles anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see PASTA.

•Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits over the hand.

•Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the nearest bathroom.

•Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils you don't own to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

•Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose (fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose (sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and comatose (alcohol).

•Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say, Tripes a la Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate pudding.

•Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise signals when a particular dish is overcooked.

•Utensil: A spill, cut burn, or bungle with a handle on the end.

•Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture containing partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that could be gotten out of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell out of the can in a big lump.

•Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body tone. Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens include the egg beater (strengthens pectorals), the cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad spinner (firms up deltoids).

•Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

•Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in California and available by the liter or gallon in both premium and unleaded varieties. The best recent vintage is the 11:35 a.m., though some people swear by the 9:58.

Posted January 29, 2018

Patient: "Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!"

Posted January 28, 2018

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

Posted January 26, 2018

Quasimodo goes to a doctor for his annual checkup.

"I think something is wrong with your back," the doctor says.

"What makes you say that?" Quasimodo asks.

"I don't know," the doctor replies. "It's just a hunch."

Posted January 24, 2018

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Posted January 22, 2018

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

"Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?"

"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.

"That's great," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."

Posted January 21, 2018

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was at the pearly gates waiting for them.

"Come with me," said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to a gigantic swimming pool.

"Wow, thank you!" said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

"Wait, I think you are a little mixed up," said the priest. "Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I was a priest and preached God's word every day."

"Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed."

Posted January 19, 2018

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

Posted January 17, 2018

A police theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs.

Thinking that to be an error, the officer called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. Smith that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth," lisped the farmer.

Being from that area herself, the officer entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

Posted January 12, 2018

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.

All the answers were clear and concise and the mother noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment", the girl had listed "Baby-sitting".

But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home."

Posted January 10, 2018

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older man, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers."

"Well," replied the senior citizen, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

Posted January 8, 2018

Pilot And Ground Crew Communications (from the Navy's Perspective)

Naval Aviator:

On a carrier, the Naval Aviator looks over at the Catapult Officer ("Shooter") who gives the run up engines signal by rotating his finger above his head.. The pilot pushes the throttle forward, verifies all flight controls are operational, checks all gauges, and gives the Cat officer a brisk salute, continuing the Navy / Marine tradition of asking permission to leave the ship. The Cat officer drops to one knee while swooping his arm forward and pointing down deck, granting that permission. The pilot is immediately catapulted and becomes airborne.

Air Force Pilot :

We've all seen Air Force pilots at the air force base look up just before taxiing for takeoff and the ground crew waits until the pilot's thumb is sticking straight up. The crew chief then confirms that he sees the thumb, salutes, and the Air Force pilot then takes off. This time-tested tradition is the last link in the Air Force safety net to confirm that the pilot does not have his thumb up his butt.

Army Aviator:

If you've ever seen an Army helicopter pilot preparing for takeoff, you will note that the pilot gives the ground guy a thumbs up before he is given hover and takeoff signals. There are two theories about the origin of this gesture. One is that it is to show that the pilot has identified which of his fingers is the thumb so that he will be able to properly operate his controls. The most compelling theory says that this is to show the ground crewman that the pilot indeed knows which direction is up.

Posted January 6, 2018

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Oregon, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test. We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"

Posted January 4, 2018

One night, Tim was walking home from work when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Posted January 2, 2018

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

Posted December 30, 2017

Posted December 28, 2017

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal.

The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. The music stopped.

The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"

Posted December 26, 2017

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under *any* circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"

To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"

Posted December 23, 2017

We have a bit of a disagreement here in the office. I finally admitted my intention to get my wife a fruit basket for her Christmas present and all of the women in the office were unanimous in their criticism of this plan.

I said, "That's not ALL I'm going to get her. I'll probably get her some pajamas or a pair of gloves or something, too."

"That's not the point," said Betty. "A fruit basket just isn't intimate."

"What are you talking about?!" I argued. "A fruit basket is very intimate. A fruit basket says, 'I care about your colon.' What could be more intimate than that?"

Posted December 21, 20177

Posted December 19, 2017

During World War II, an British pilot on flight duty with the Air Force in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.

"Corporal," he said, "a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation."

"You know, Lieutenant, funny thing," the corporal replied. "In this work we never get any complaints."

Posted December 17, 2017

Posted December 14, 2017

Many people hold down two jobs these days, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track.

"That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?"

As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."

Posted December 13, 2017

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Posted December 11, 2017

How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it 32 times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last light bulb was much better.

Posted December 10, 2017

A businessman is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the executive notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his steak.

"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but notice you had your thumb on my steak."

"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want to drop it again."

Posted December 7, 2017

Posted December 6, 2017

*-- According to Retail Employees, You Might Be A Bad Customer If... --*

1. You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.

2. You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.

3. You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

4. You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

5. You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.

6. You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.

7. You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.

8. While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"

9. You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.

10. You pay for anything/everything in small change (especially pennies)

Posted December 4, 2017

Posted December 1, 2017

Q: How many dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!

Posted November 29, 2017

Recently, I called to make business trip reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Manchester airport in New Hampshire.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Posted November 23, 2017

Posted November 21, 2017

He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church. Finally the pastor agreed. He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution. Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can. You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church. I really have no excuse. Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.

Sincerely, J. B. Jones, M.D.

P.S. - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?

Posted November 19, 2017

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don't really give a crap what you think."

Posted November 16, 2017

Posted November 14, 2017

Posted November 12, 2017

A fifth generation farmer has determined that his son will be the first in their family to go to college. So he and his wife save every penny for years and when the big day comes for junior to leave for school, the old man is the proudest he's ever been.

After the first semester junior comes home for Christmas break and the old man sits him down for a talk. "Well, boy, you been at school for three months now, I want you to tell me some of that fancy book learnin'."

So junior says, "My favorite class is math, pa. Just last week we learned a new formula...Pi r squared."

At hearing this the old man screws up his eyes and smacks his forehead, "Dog gone-it! I spent all that money on schooling and all you can tell me is Pi r squared? Why everybody knows pie are round...CORNBREAD are squared!"

Posted November 10, 2017

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

Posted November 8, 2017

*-- The Top 10 Signs You Hired A Bad History Teacher --*

1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.

2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.

3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.

4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.

5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States.

6. Tells you that its Napoleon that's the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.

7. Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.

8. Threatens to reenact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.

9. Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.

10. Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Posted November 6, 2017

Two workers were knocking in nails to the sides of a house, one of them kept throwing them away.

"Why do you keep throwing nails away," said the other.

"Because they have the point at the wrong end," he replied.

"You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!"

Posted November 4, 2017

Posted November 2, 2017

Doctor Jones likes to stop into his local bar after work for an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?"

And Dick says, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

Posted October 26, 2017

Posted October 24, 2017

Posted October 22, 2017

Two men working in a factory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.

"How are you going to do that?"

"Watch," he replied, and just stood in place.

The foreman asked what he was doing, and the man responded, "I'm a light bulb."

"I think you need some time off," the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory.

After a moment, the second man followed him.

"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.

"I can't work in the dark," he said.

Posted October 19, 2017

10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Posted October 17, 2017

Posted October 15, 2017

A businessman sent an inquiry to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to allow me to keep him in my room at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Posted October 12, 2017

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 200 bones in the human body?

Patient: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

Posted October 8, 2017

I was a traveling salesman working my way through Georgia last summer and stopped at a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which said, "Please Wiggel Handel".

Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?"

Posted October 5, 2017

Posted October 4, 2017

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Posted October 2, 2017

Posted September 28, 2017

Posted September 25, 2017

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era (cont.)

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

Plagiarism saves time.

Posted September 23, 2017

Two state troopers were chasing a car on the interstate. When the suspect crossed the state line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The sarge replied, "He's across the state line now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Posted September 21, 2017

At a boat rental concession, the new manager went to the lake's edge and yelled through his megaphone, "Number 99, come in, please. Your time is up." Several minutes passed, but the boat didn't return. "Boat number 99," he again hollered, "return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you overtime."

"Something is wrong here, boss," his assistant said. "We only have 75 boats. There is no number 99."

The manager thought for a moment and then raised his mega-phone: "Boat number 66," he yelled. "Are you having trouble out there?"

Posted September 17, 2017

Posted September 16, 2017

Q: What size of soap does a judge use?

A: Trial size!

Posted September 13, 2017

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Posted September 10, 2017

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he whispered, "I forgot my teeth."

The man replied, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose."

"I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker tried them and happily replied, "They fit perfectly."

With that the speaker ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, he went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

Posted September 8, 2017

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Posted September 5, 2017

When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a 'swim call,' the chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was. "Don't worry," he assured me. "You are never more than three miles from land."

Then he added, "Straight down."

Posted September 3, 2017

An airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out requests to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Posted September 1, 2017

Inspirational Posters for the Cubicle Era

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Posted August 28, 2017

A newspaper editor announces that there's enough money in the budget to install a newsroom chandelier. The reporters huddle and send a spokesman to say they're against it.

"Against it? Why?" the editor asks.

"First," the reporter says, "no one on the staff can spell 'chandelier' well enough to put it on an order form.

Second, I don't believe that anybody here can play one if we had it.

And third, if you got that much money, we think you should get a hanging light instead, to brighten up the office!"

Posted August 26, 2017

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Posted August 22, 2017

Posted August 20, 2017

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store by the newly hired store manager.

"Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble, either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"

The new manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Posted August 18, 2017

Travel Agency Terminology

TOUR GUIDE TERM ........... TRANSLATION

Old world charm .................... Room and a path

Tropical ........................... Rainy

Majestic setting ................... A long way from town, at end of dirt road

Options galore ..................... Nothing is included in the itinerary

Secluded hideaway .................. Directions to locate unclear

Some budget rooms .................. Sorry, already occupied

Explore on your own ................ At your own expense

Knowledgeable trip hosts ........... They've flown in an airplane before

No extra fees ...................... No extras

Nominal fee ........................ Outrageous charge

Standard ........................... Sub-standard

Deluxe ............................. Barely Standard

Superior accommodations............. One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap

All the amenities .................. Two chocolates, two shower caps

Plush .............................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes

Gentle breezes ..................... In hurricane alley

Light and airy ..................... No air conditioning

Picturesque ........................ Theme park nearby

24-hour bar ........................ Ice cubes at additional cost (when available)

Posted August 17, 2017

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

Posted August 12, 2017

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Posted August 11, 2017

Posted August 8, 2017

In an age when everyone seems to be playing the name game of glorifying job titles, the man in charge of the meat department at a grocery store in Wisconsin deserves a round of applause.

On his weekly time card he describes his position as: Meat Head.

Posted August 7, 2017

"Jill," a newly hired teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like, I really don't like, think like, that's really important, y'know, like because I'm, y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's Mrs. Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

Posted August 4, 2017

In a small town, there is a big factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman calls the manager and asks him: "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replies. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."

Posted July 31, 2017

Keys to Business Success

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" -- a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Posted July 29, 2017

A traveling salesman knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In".

He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In".

As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him.

As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help.

Again, he heard the "Come In".

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage.

He said, "For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?"

The parrot laughed and said "Sic Him"

Posted July 27, 2017

I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

Posted July 25, 2017

Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon boating or playing golf or tennis...

When it starts to get dark I have a great dinner with a nice bottle of wine. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

Posted July 23, 2017

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

Posted July 22, 2017

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

"This is the Bexfield diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Bexfield."

Posted July 19, 2017

A guy says, "Doctor, Doctor! Help me, I keep thinking I'm getting smaller!"

The doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Posted July 17, 2017

Posted July 15, 2017

Posted July 11, 2017

I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."

There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Posted July 7, 2017

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Posted July 6, 2017

Posted July 4, 2017

A newly hired tour guide was showing a tour group around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar coin across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the new guide, "a dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Posted July 2, 2017

INFORMATION YOU NEED TO HELP YOU CHOOSE YOUR NEXT EMPLOYEE HEALTH PLAN ..

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges,who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the
doctors in the plan. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new
patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry; the remaining
doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and has a
diploma from a Third World Country.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $15 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Posted June 29, 20177

Dear Valued Employee:

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or, if you wish monetary compensation, notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

Posted June 27, 2017

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Posted June 26, 2017

Try this when you are feeling bad about your job...

On your way home from work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, close the blinds and take the phone off the hook so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement....

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am soooo glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

Posted June 25, 2017

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......(cont.)

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

Posted June 22, 2017

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him.

He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My daddy said you eat like a pig and I don't want to miss it!"

Posted June 18, 2017

Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!

Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box until it could be analyzed.

When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very carefully opened the box. Inside were 250 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!

Posted June 16, 2017

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

Posted June 11, 2017

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......(cont.)

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

Posted June 10, 2017

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out food stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

Posted June 8, 2017

Posted June 5, 2017

You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

Posted June 2, 2017

Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Posted May 30, 2017

This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?"

Bill looks at him and says, "To your house."

Posted May 29, 2017

Posted May 26, 2017

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said.

"Get a job. You have way too much time on your hands!"

Posted May 23, 2017

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Posted May 22, 2017

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc. Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Posted May 21, 2017

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.

Posted May 19, 2017

Posted May 17, 2017

A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: "Are you the fish fryer?"

"Oh, no," the cleric answers, "I'm the chip monk!"

Posted May 15, 2017

From: Chief of Operations
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions

It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.

a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).

b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.

c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."

d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."

e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."

f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."

g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."

h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).

I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.

Posted May 14, 2017

A store owner was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up on his left and erected a huge sign which read, "BEST DEALS."

He was shocked when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading, "LOWEST PRICES."

Panic ensued until he had an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, "MAIN ENTRANCE."

Posted May 10, 2017

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has, so he asks his sheepdog to count them.

The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

Posted May 8, 2017

The Down Side of Cubicles:

* Being told to "Think outside the box" when I'm in the box all day.

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

* Lack of rafters for the noose.

* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra without comment.

* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Posted May 5, 2017

Posted May 1, 2017

A young lawyer decided that his life needed a hobby. Since his buddies talked about sailing, he thought he'd give it a go. He went to the local boat show and asked a lot of questions.

Everything seemed to be going well when he said, "How do you dock the boat?" The salesman replied, "Well, you really don't dock the sailboat, you tie it up to a float just beyond the dock. This way you don't bang up the finish on the craft."

"Well then", the lawyer asked, "How do you get out to the sailboat?"

"Good question." The salesman told him that you can get a small raft and paddle out to the boat, or just walk out to the boat, if you don't mind getting wet.

"Oh, I get it," the lawyer replied. "It's Row vs Wade."

Posted April 29, 2017

Politically Correct Ways to Say Your Co-Worker Is Stupid (cont.)

*No grain in the silo

*Proof that evolution can go in reverse

*Receiver is off the hook

*Several nuts short of a full pouch

*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

Posted April 27, 2017

Posted April 23, 2017

As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.

"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.

"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.

"No girlfriend? Why not?"

"My wife won't let me."

Posted April 18, 2017

A veteran high school teacher with many years on the job was correcting essays written by her students and she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

Posted April 14, 2017

Posted April 8, 2017

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Posted April 6, 2017

Politically Correct Ways to Say Your Co-Worker Is Stupid (cont.)

*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

*Forgot to pay his brain bill

*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

*His belt doesn't go through all the loops

*If he had another brain, it would be lonely

Posted April 1, 2017

Posted March 29, 2017

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?"

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone pro in tennis. He could golf with the best. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I try it and usually hurt myself."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

Posted March 27, 2017

Politically Correct Ways to Say Your Co-Worker Is Stupid (cont.)

*Too much yardage between the goalposts

*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools

*As smart as bait

*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair

Posted March 24, 2017

Posted March 22, 2017

A lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did.

Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Posted March 18, 2017

A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.

After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man, "We need individuals who are totally responsible."

The young man grinned and responded: "Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!"

Posted March 16, 2017

A stingy old lawyer was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed, because he assumed he would probably die in his sleep.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, while up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

Posted March 14, 2017

Posted March 11, 2017

As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.

One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

"Oh, is your sister an airline pilot too?" I asked.

With a confused expression the woman said, "No. She's a dentist."

Posted March 8, 2017

A wise old farmer went to town to buy a new pickup truck that he saw advertised for a certain price.

After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they set down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power steering, power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that was what took the price up.

The farmer, needing the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son needs a cow. Do you have any for sale?"

The farmer replied, "Yes, I have a few cows I would sell for $500 apiece, come and look at them and take your pick."

The salesman said he and his son would be right out.

After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.

The farmer said, "Now wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow, you're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow:

* BASIC COW - 500.00
* Two-tone exterior - 45.00
* Extra stomach - 75.00
* Product storing equipment - 60.00
* Straw compartment - 120.00
* Four spigots at 10.00 each - 40.00
* Leather upholstery - 125.00
* Dual horns - 45.00
* Automatic fly swatter - 38.00
* Fertilizer attachment - 185.00

Posted March 5, 2017

Posted March 2, 2017

Office Reality: If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.

Posted February 27, 2017

The Stork family sits down to dinner after work. The momma stork asks the daddy stork, "So how was your work day dear?"

"Well", he replied, "I flew North and South all day, making people happy. And how was your work day?"

She answers, "Pretty much the same. I flew East and West making families happy."

They both turn to junior Stork, "And how was your day?", they asked.

Junior Stork tells them, "I had a blast, I flew all over, scaring the hell out of college students!"

Posted February 25, 2017

Politically Correct Ways to Say Your Co-Worker Is Stupid (cont.)

*All foam, no beer

*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

Posted February 23, 2017

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error.

I tried to stop him, yelling, "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"

Posted February 21, 2017

"Will the father be present during the birth?" the newly graduated obstetrician asked solicitously of his first client.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

Posted February 19, 2017

A wealthy woman was giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attended. While the party ensued, two gardeners were out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!"

When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, she yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"

Posted February 16, 2017

Why the Military can't communicate with each other...

If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.

If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.

If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.

If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.

Posted February 14, 2017

Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Patient: Really? What color?

Posted February 9, 2017

The president of a big bank fell off a seagoing yacht.

While his friends frantically sought a life preserver, a sailor shouted, "Hey, can you float alone?"

"Of course I can," gasped the floundering banker, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

Posted February 8, 2017

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner.

“You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled.

“Yeah,” admitted the owner. “But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

Posted February 6, 2017

Politically Correct Ways to Say Your Co-Worker Is Stupid (cont.)

*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl

*One taco short of a combination plate

*A few feathers short of a whole duck

Posted February 2, 2017

Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!" The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood tonight, eh?"

Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"

The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.

Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"

The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"

Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out quite a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY me on top of it?"

Posted January 30, 2017

Politically Correct Ways to Say Your Co-Worker Is Stupid

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole

Posted January 29, 2017

The Zen master walks up to the hot dog vendor and says, "Could you make me one with everything?"

The vendor prepares the hot dog and hands it to the zen master.

The Zen master gives the vendor a $20 bill and the hot dog vendor puts it in his cash drawer.

The Zen master asks, "Where is my change?"

And the hot dog vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Posted January 27, 2017

Posted January 26, 2017

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!"

The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

Posted January 21, 2017

An attorney called the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Posted January 18, 2017

Posted January 15, 2017

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see.” replied the father-in-law, “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.” “I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.” “Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?” “Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

Posted January 12, 2017

Posted January 10, 2017

After seven years of training and hard work in the medical fields, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and just a brilliant mortician.

Posted January 8, 2017

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him-he's afraid to cough!"

Posted January 5, 2017

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work, he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly say, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Posted January 2, 2017

A businessman walked by a table in a hotel that was hosting a business conference and noticed three of his colleagues and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"That is a very smart dog," the businessman commented.

"Not really," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Posted December 31, 2016

Posted December 30, 2016

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher, who has just started in his new position, replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.

"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

Posted December 29, 2016

Posted December 27, 2016

I was recovering from surgery during the holidays when an eager and enthusiastic charity worker phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.

"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."

Undaunted, the obviously well-trained and very persistent caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.

I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"

She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"

Posted December 24, 2016

I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,

They remind me of some co-workers.

They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

Posted December 22, 2016

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk, came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands, guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Posted December 21, 2016

Posted December 19, 2016

One of the courses I taught when I was a college professor was Freshman English. To my first class of students I described the basic parts of an essay: "Remember, the three parts of an essay are the Introduction, the Body, and the Confusion".

Posted December 18, 2016

On their 25th wedding anniversary, our boss took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned.

After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," our manager responded, "we could vacuum."

Posted December 14, 2016

Posted December 12, 2016

Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden wind gust came and knocked down their ladder.

“I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.”

What, do you think, I’m stupid?" asked Larry.

“I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.”

"What, do you think I’m stupid?" Larry replied again. “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.”

Posted December 9, 2016

Best Out of the Office Messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.

Posted December 8, 2016

After finishing an out-of-town work errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."

Posted December 6, 2016

A coworker at the bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

"Whoa, Sam!" said the head bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?"

"Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them."

Posted December 4, 2016

Posted December 3, 2016

One day on his way to work, my husband stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain.

Forgetting that he hadn't brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave.

"That's my umbrella," a woman immediately scolded.

Abashed at his mistake, he apologized and walked on to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived.

Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day.

That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier.

She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked: "Did real well for yourself today, didn't you?"

Posted December 1, 2016

At a rent-a-boat company, the caller said into the microphone: "Boat 99, your hour is up, please head in."

An employee walks up to him and says: "We only have 75 boats, there is no boat 99, sir."

The caller then said into the microphone: "Boat 66, are you in trouble?"

Posted November 30, 2016

A man comes into the vet's office with his dog. The vet guides him to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the table. He examines the dog and after a few moments tells the man that it has digestive problems.

The man, not willing to accept this diagnosis, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat and puts it down next to the dog. The cat walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog. The dog looks at the cat, clearly agitated, but the owner is able to calm him down. The cat finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat also thinks that your dog has digestive issues."

The man is still unwilling to believe it.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the annoyed dog, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab also thinks your dog has a digestive disorder."

The man, finally accepts the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to simply tell me my dog has digestive issues?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab test."

Posted November 27, 2016

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might not be able to paint anymore, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so thankful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'"

Posted November 22, 2016

Posted November 21, 2016

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

Posted November 20, 2016

Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs sometimes put on restaurants' restroom doors (Buoys and Gulls, Laddies and Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped.

Recently my husband Dave wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco," and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me; I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked "Men."
"Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."

Posted November 19, 2016

A blonde saleswoman is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figured it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Posted November 17, 2016

Posted November 14, 2016

Top 10 Signs You're Not In College Anymore

10. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

9. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress-up.

8. The 4 food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

7. Three Words: School Loan Payments.

6. Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'.

5. Jack and Cokes become Dewars on the Rocks.

4. You empathize with the characters from 'Friends'.

3. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

2. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

And the Number 1 Sign Your Not In College Anymore

At 6 am you're waking up instead of going to bed.

Posted November 11, 2016

Posted November 9, 2016

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudiced.

"I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."

"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

Posted November 5, 2016

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day at an international business conference.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first to walk on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first to walk on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

Posted November 3, 2016

The other day, a boss was complaining in the staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next morning he went and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He attached it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called. She wants her sign back."

Posted November 2, 2016

Apparently the following was voted unanimously by some office staff as the answering machine message for a school:

"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2.

To complain about what we do - Press 3.

To cuss out staff members - Press 4.

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5.

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8.

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9.

To complain about school lunches - Press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!"

Posted October 31, 2016

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the man in front of him.

Surprised, the customer turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a tax collector. Do you see me pickpocketing the guy in front of me?"

Posted October 27, 2016

It's the day of the big sale. Rumors and some advertising are the main reasons for the long line that has formed by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushes his way to the front of the queue, only to be pushed back.

On the man's second attempt, the other people are cursing at him and again push him back to the end of the line.

As he gets up, he says to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Posted October 25, 2016

At a company party the staff decided to have a little fun with their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet and left his wallet behind (a big mistake), they searched through it and found his lotto ticket. They wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's lotto numbers, then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing really rapidly, and looking totally astonished.

After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and lotto ticket again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hell, 'cos I've just won loads of money, and I'm leaving!"

Posted October 24, 2016

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture", and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached
cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort, and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing the stewardess said, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella." WHOA!"

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

5. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Posted October 22, 2016

All the toilets at the police station were stolen. The cops got nothing to go on.

Posted October 21, 2016

There was this woman who was walking through the lobby of an office tower to go outside and smoke. She was carrying a butane lighter and it was leaking out on her sleeve, unknown to her. She was in a hurry to light up, and started to light her cigarette just before going outside because it was windy.

Suddenly, her sleeve caught fire, and she started to panic and was waving her arm wildly to put it out. The lobby security guard saw the emergency, ran over with a towel and quickly put the fire out before it actually caused damage to her arm, and the sleeve was only singed a bit.

The guard, noting that it is illegal to smoke in the building by city ordnance, had the woman arrested.

The charge was possession of an illegal fire-arm.

Posted October 16, 2016

Last week a friend of mine went to a seminar on stress by an expert on the subject. He gave an example of
a coping skill for job stress that I would like to share with you.

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this. On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal
thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.

Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the
statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company.

Posted October 13, 2016

** What The New Job-Lingo Really Means **

** JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.

** CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

** MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

** SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time each weekend.

** DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

** MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.

** CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

** NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

** SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE - You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

** PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

** REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

** GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Posted October 11, 2016

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Posted October 8, 2016

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

My plumber has a stupid sense of humor.

Posted October 5, 2016

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to be put under anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

Posted October 4, 2016

As a new school Principal, Mr. Wilson was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

Posted October 2, 2016

Farmer Brown's son George went to the big city to make his fortune.

Unfortunately he became a stockbroker, and in the last crash, he found himself reduced to shining shoes for a living.

At the same time, a run of unusually good weather resulted in an abundance of late hay down on the farm.

So, in this story, ... the farmer makes hay, while the son shines.

Posted September 28, 2016

The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."

Posted September 26, 2016

A world famous movie star is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his motivational speech to a group of businessmen, when a man walks up to him.

"Excuse me, sir, I don't want to bother you, but my name is Steve, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'."

The movie star readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.

The star comes up and says, "Hello, Steve."

Steve replies, "Not now! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking.

Posted September 25, 2016

A guy was fixing up the floor and laying down carpet in some woman's home. As he was finishing, he noticed a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over a package of screws he used earlier.

Rather than take up the carpet, he decided to get a hammer and pound the package into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done. "The carpet looks wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Here are your screws, I found them in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my phone?"

Posted September 20, 2016

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.

The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.

They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.

The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

Posted September 16, 2016

The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

Posted September 15, 2016

A man eating at a restaurant says to his waiter, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"

The waiter replies, "That, sir, is entirely possible, our cook used to be a tailor."

Posted September 12, 2016

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered.

When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours, but that he would help if he could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked.

The man replied, "I'm the company president."

There was a pause.

Then the caller said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."

Posted September 8, 2016

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had worked late at the office and wasn't feeling well enough to drive herself. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heeled shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.

Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he stealthily scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot.

That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Posted September 5, 2016

A sailor came home from a year-long deployment only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded.

"No!" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO!" she said even more upset.

"Well, which one of my no-good friends did this then?" he yelled.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she screamed.

Posted September 3, 2016

Posted August 31, 2016

Patient: "Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"

Psychiatrist: "Sit over there, I'll deal with you later."

Posted August 29, 2016

Posted August 25, 2016

I had an emotional experience during lunch today. No, I was not eating at Hooters. I was at my desk eating a salad my wife had made for me. How can a salad move a man? Well, vegetables are high in fiber...just kidding. Take a look at the ingredients of this thing that was made for me at 6 a.m.:

Red onion, chopped mushrooms, chopped green olives, sliced radish, sliced cucumber, shaved carrots, a bit of purple cabbage, chopped broccoli, cubed cheddar cheese, crumbled feta cheese, sliced green pepper, sliced tomatoes, lettuce and those little wrinkled bright green peppers that squirt all over when you bite into them. She also sent along an entire bottle of Newman's Own Balsamic and Vinaigrette dressing.

Folks, I was so touched that I called my wife afterward to thank her for taking the time to lovingly wash, cut, slice, dice and shave all of these things.

She said, "I had to get rid of all that stuff. It was going bad."

"Oh...OK," I said. "Thanks anyway."

Posted August 24, 2016

It was the first camping experience for Jed, a newly hired park ranger.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow park ranger.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The veteran ranger laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"

Posted August 22, 2016

A man was speeding down the highway when suddenly he saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. He first tried to outrun the police car, but then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The officer came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. If you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Posted August 18, 2016

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a poem, they give him $100."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a song, they give him $200."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Posted August 17, 2016

A worker in the reference department of the Library of Congress received a call asking the meaning of the phrase "without recourse." He consulted a legal dictionary and furnished this definition, "Said of a signer of a document when he takes no responsibility for the face of the document."

"Thank you," said the voice at the other end of the wire. "I have an autographed photograph of Coolidge. It's signed, "Without recourse, Calvin Coolidge."

Posted August 13, 2016

A office worker dialed the operator: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

The operator says, "I'm sorry, sir, I do not understand."

The caller continues, "on page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. Now, can you give the number for Jack?"

Posted August 11, 2016

Mr. Jones is on a business trip and has bought some fish to bring home to his wife.

The fish was very expensive, so Mr. Jones decides to hide it until the next day, when he would leave the hotel. The fish is well-packaged in multiple layers of paper, so Mr. Jones hides it between the leaves of a rather large plant in his room.

On the day of his departure, Mr. Jones oversleeps and has to hastily pack all his stuff in order to catch his train. He, of course, forgets the fish.

Embarrassed about his mishap, he doesn't tell the hotel when he finds out.

Two weeks later, he gets a message from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Jones ... all is forgiven. Just tell us ... where is it?"

Posted August 7, 2016

How many procrastinators in the office does it take to put in a light bulb?

One, but they have to wait until the light is better.

Posted August 4, 2016

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner.

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Posted August 2, 2016

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police sergeant asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear,' and dozed off."

Posted July 30, 2016

Posted July 26, 2016

Posted July 23, 2016

How many bureaucrats does it take to put in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other inserts the bulb into the water faucet.

Posted July 21, 2016

A businessman commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photography Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"

Posted July 18, 2016

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have -- the older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Posted July 16, 2016

When Sam returned from work one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're damn right it wasn't," Sarah said." And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the hotel while we were on your business trip last month."

Posted July 14, 2016

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir."

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Posted July 12, 20166

I was manning the customer-service desk, when a woman came up to return a pair of jeans that were too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "They hurt my feelings."

Posted July 9, 2016

Our armored car arrived earlier than usual, so my deposit wasn't quite ready. As the young man waited patiently for me to secure the bag, I said, "Sorry to hold you up."

"Delay, delay," he corrected me. "We don't use that other phrase."

Posted July 6, 2016

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sunday before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

Posted July 4, 2016

Definition of the "Job" of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following sequence of events takes place:

1. The woman goes to the market to buy the food;
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert;
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer;
4. The man places the meat on the grill;
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables;
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning;
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman;
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table;
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes;
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Posted July 2, 2016

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto women's panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher in her table. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic, and he pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."

Posted July 1, 2016

Posted June 26, 2016

A businessman in a restaurant is enjoying his meal when he hears a voice say, "You look great!"

He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No, really, you look just terrific!"

Again he looks around. Nobody!

A few minutes pass, and again he hears the voice, "Is that a new shirt or something...because you look absolutely stunning!"

At this point the man realizes that the voice is coming out of a basket of breadsticks on his table.

"Excuse me," the man asks the waiter, "what's with these breadsticks?"

"Oh," the waiter answers, "they're complimentary."

Posted June 23, 2016

A woman, a manager and his assistant are sitting together in a train.

Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it's completely dark.

Then there's this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the assistant are sitting as if nothing has happened and the manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The manager is thinking, "My assistant must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman is thinking, "The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his assistant and got slapped for it."

And the assistant is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!"

Posted June 21, 2016

Posted June 18, 2016

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Posted June 14, 2016

About 10 o'clock one cold February morning a man was in bed sound asleep. His mother came into the room.

"Son, it's time to get up. You gotta get ready for church." she implored.

"I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said.

"Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church."

I'm not going to church. Give me one good reason why I have to go to church," he protested.

"I'll give you two good reasons: one, it's Sunday and two, you're the Pastor!"

Posted June 12, 2016

A poor Australian sheep farmer migrated to Texas. Nearly bankrupt, more misfortune befell when several of his lambs tumbled into large vats of vegetable dyes reserved for the local indian weavers.

Fortunately for him, a wealthy woman who was passing by in her Cadillac was enthralled by the sight of the colorful lambs cavorting about and ordered a dozen for pets. Word soon spread of her find and the Aussie could hardly keep up with the demand for these unique "status symbols."

He soon became known as . . . the biggest lamb dyer in all of Texas!

Posted June 10, 2016

Posted June 9, 2016

Posted June 6, 2016

The science graduate asks, "Why does it work?"

The engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?"

The accounting graduate asks, "How much does it cost?"

The liberal arts graduate asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Posted June 4, 2016

Posted June 3, 2016

Posted June 1, 2016

The company's Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Posted May 30, 2016

Posted May 26, 2016

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

* 12% Monday

* 23% Tuesday

* 40% Wednesday

* 20% Thursday

* 5% Friday

Posted May 24, 2016

The salesman reported back to his boss after several weeks on the road and said, "All I got was two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!"

Posted May 21, 2016

Having trouble with the doctor's notes on an emergency case which read, "Shot in the lumbar region," the poor newly hired medical insurance processing girl was flustered and at her wit's end.

At last she thought she had it figured out and brightened up as she typed up the record, "Wounded in the woods."

Posted May 19, 2016

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself."

Posted May 16, 2016

Shirley and Dave, a retired couple from New England, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Shirley says, "Dave, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Dave says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Dave, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Dave says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Dave, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Dave says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."

Posted May 14, 2016

"Information? I need the number of Caseway Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. and Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

Posted May 11, 2016

A large, well established lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the head lumberjack. "Go cut it down!"

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the little man.

The head lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back..."Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

Posted May 10, 2016

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away from you?"

Posted May 7, 2016

Some workers in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard. One of the men walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

Posted May 5, 2016

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut during our lunch hour. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

Posted May 4, 2016

A Murphy's Laws in Combat Operations

* Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms.

* A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

* When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

* The problem with taking the easy way out, is that the enemy has already mined it.

* The buddy system is essential to your survival. It gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

* Never draw fire -- it irritates everyone around you.

* No combat ready unit ever passed an inspection.

* No inspection ready unit ever passed combat.

* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.

* Fortify your front and you'll get your rear shot up.

* If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards you.

* All five second grenade fuses are three seconds, or all five second fuses will burn out in three.

* If it flies, it dies.

* Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.

* There's always a way.

* If two things are required to make something work, they will never be shipped together.

* Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

* Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.

* The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

* The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.

* There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

* If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

* You'll only remember your hand grenades when the sound is too close to use them.

Posted May 2, 2016

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Posted April 30, 2016

Posted April 28, 2016

As I drove into the employee parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."

Posted April 26, 2016

I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.

When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.

"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."

Posted April 24, 2016

The instructor in a basic-training course asked a recruit what he would do if he saw a figure crawling toward his post while on assigned guard duty.

"Why, I'd help the Officer to his quarters." said the recruit.

Posted April 23, 2016

Posted April 17, 2016

A grocery store cashier is really busy. He notices a dog in the store and shoos him away.

Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The man takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 bananas, please."

The man looks again, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill.

So the cashier takes the money, puts the bananas in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

He is very impressed, and this goes on for several days - with the dog buying different items each time.

One day, the cashier decides to follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the man following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The cashier is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.

The cashier, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through town. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the cashier still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!

There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The cashier watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts shaking his head in disgust with the dog.

The cashier runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius!"

To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

Posted April 15, 2016

A salesman is driving toward home when he sees an guy thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the hitchhiker gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the hitchhiker notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", the hitchhiker asks the driver.

The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The hitchhiker is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

Posted April 12, 2016

Posted April 9, 2016

Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable. At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously: "I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to," one staffer notes.

Posted April 6, 2016

Posted April 5, 2016

Posted April 3, 2016

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks!

Posted March 31, 2016

Posted March 28, 2016

Enlistment officer to recruit: "And another advantage in making a career of the Army is that you avoid the constant worry of being called-up into the service."

Posted March 26, 2016

Nurse: "Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room."

Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him now. Next."

Posted March 23, 2016

During the 60's, when the draft law could induct most young men into military service, the announcement was made that very few (if any) married men would be drafted, war or not. One Army recruiting office fought back by posting a sign: "Better two years than life".

Posted March 20, 2016

A woman said to her office co-worker, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things."

The co-worker says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I laid the law down firmly with my husband. I told him, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

Posted March 16, 2016

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:

If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.

If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Posted March 13, 2016

I've been feeling really run down lately so I'm going to take the rest of the day off from my office job and try to recuperate.

Some people have told me that it might be an iron deficiency. So apparently I need to take some iron pills or do some ironing... I'm not exactly sure.

Posted March 10, 2016

While I was wiping away my daily eye drops, a co-worker walked by and asked if I was crying.

I said that I was sad that it was the final day of work for the week and we would have to go home for the weekend..

She doesn't talk to me any more.

Posted March 7, 2016

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

Posted March 5, 2016

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. My wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Gregson's helicopter, landed on top of his skyscraper, and ran over here."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Posted March 2, 2016

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" after retiring from a long career in banking and the chief monk said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the chief monk said to him: "Brother John, you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John replied, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the chief monk responded. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the chief monk. "You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold food," answered Brother John, and the chief monk assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the chief monk again called Brother John into his office. "What are your two words you want to say today?"

"I quit," replied Brother John.

"I'm not surprised," said the chief monk. "You've done nothing but whine and complain since you got here."

Posted February 28, 2016

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch.

While sitting there, the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies, "What are you worried about? We're both here."

Posted February 25, 2016

A husband & wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected.

The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

"This is a disaster," the husband answered, "I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

Posted February 22, 2016

There was a dance teacher where I worked who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step, side-step and turn around."

Posted February 18, 2016

Employee: "Boss, can I have the day off tomorrow?"

Boss: "So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend two days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off five holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!"

Posted February 16, 2016

A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"150 dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when we're not being scammed here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

Posted February 13, 2016

A woman offers a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars.

A man answers the ad, but he's slightly disbelieving. "What's the catch?" he inquires.

"No catch," the woman answers. "My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary."

Posted February 9, 2016

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for two scoops of chocolate ice cream.

The man working behind the counter says, "I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream."

The lady says, "OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup."

The weary, working man says, "Ma'am, we are all out of chocolate."

The little old lady says, "OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone."

The long-suffering worker, a little more irritated this time says, "Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla."

The lady says, "V A N."

The man behind the counter says, "OK, spell straw as in strawberry."

The lady says, "S T R A W."

The man says, "OK, now spell freak as in chocolate."

The lady says, "There ain't no freak in chocolate."

The worker replies, "Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!"

Posted February 7, 2016

Mr. Rogers' Office Answering Machine Message When on Vacation

[Imitating Mr. Rogers]
"Hello. I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the
phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound
of the tone? Sure... I knew you could." <BEEP>

Posted February 4, 2016

Posted February 1, 2016

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

"Finally!" I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. "I've been waiting twelve years for this!"

"Don't blame me, lady," he said. "I just got the order this morning."

Posted January 30, 2016

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

Posted January 27, 2016

A woman and her husband arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car. They were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it.

At the service department they found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.

As the woman watched from the passenger side, she instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," she announced to the technician, "it's open!"

"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side..."

Posted January 24, 2016

A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I tuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Posted January 22, 2016

Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."

She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"

Posted January 20, 2016

Career Coach: "I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach."

Posted January 17, 2016

During lunch, an ad for a lending institution came on the television set in our employees' lounge. As the commercial extolled the pleasures of extra money, I remarked that there was no such thing as "extra" money.

"Yes, there is," my supervisor retorted. "It's what you have right before your car breaks down."

Posted January 15, 2016

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish:

"I wish I'd never have to work ever again." POOF! He's back in his government office.

Posted January 12, 2016

A successful businessman finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man."

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the New Millennium and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business- like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.

Posted January 10, 2016

Posted January 7, 2016

A sales executive suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.

He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bedsprings, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieves the bowl.

The bowl is full of butter.

Posted January 4, 2016

Posted December 31, 2015

On New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Posted December 29, 2015

The head waiter of an elegant restaurant during the holidays recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy boots, frayed and torn jeans, dirty leather jacket and long, stringy, dirty hair marched right towards him.

The man said, "Where's your crapper?"

The head waiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

Posted December 26, 2015

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work, and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Posted December 24, 20155

Christmas In The Corps

T'was the night before Christmas
and all through the Corps
Not a sole had liberty,
the troops were all sore.

Yes, every Marine
every Marine in the lot
was lying on a rack of nails
called a Marine Corps Cot.

When out on the Parade Deck
I heard such a clatter,
I sprang from my cot
to see what the heck was the matter.

With bayonet in hand
I moved stealthily to the door
I cautiously waited to see
if there were more.

Yes, it was the Commandant of Marines
this there was no doubt
he was wearing his poncho
green side out.

He carefully moved from rack to rack
he cautiously inspected each rifle and pack
to a chosen few a 96 chit
but to the majority a ration of snit

As he pulled away in his gold plated tank
pulled by ten colonels all bucking for rank
I heard him say, and he said with a shot
Merry Christmas you suckers you'll never get out.

Posted December 21, 2015

Subject: Major Merger

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of Chrisnukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens. In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful

Posted December 20, 2015

To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Posted December 18, 2015

Do You Know Santa's True Profession???

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.

5. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

Posted December 16, 2015

NOTICE OF SEASONAL GREETING

From Smith Culpepper Lawyers ("the wishor") to you ("the wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, nonaddictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious ersuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We wish you a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2016, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged. This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor. Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father Christmas", "Our Saviour", "Rudolph the red nosed reindeer" or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Smith Culpepper Lawyers

Posted December 12, 2015

After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume.

"That's a bit much," said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30.

Bob complained, "That's still a lot of money."

Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume.

Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no... What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!"

So the clerk handed him a mirror!

Posted December 10, 2015

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

Posted December 7, 2015

A young businessman had just started his own marketing firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot marketing consultant, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Posted December 4, 2015

Operation Order 12-2015 For: Official Visit of LT jg Santa Claus

1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

e. At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-01 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LT jg Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Prancer, etc."

2. LT JG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn- in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

FOR THE COMMANDER GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD Executive Officer

Posted December 2, 2015

Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service.

One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.

But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all.

He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed.

He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.

Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself.

A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, " Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."

The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?"

The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

Posted November 29, 2015

A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

Posted November 25, 2015

Posted November 22, 2015

An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading:

"Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish working in the dark."

Posted November 19, 2015

Posted November 18, 2015

This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings.

Apparently a large company decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000.

When the delivery came in from Japan there was an accompanying letter. "We had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you."

Posted November 14, 2015

A rather small businessman gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but there are no sick bags left and he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.

He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little businessman is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little businessman, "are you feeling better now?"

Posted November 13, 2015

A truck driver was driving along the freeway and saw a sign that read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backing up for miles.

Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"

"No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Posted November 11, 2015

At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"

Posted November 7, 2015

How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just give the old bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.

Posted November 5, 2015

At a packed airport ticket counter all ticket agents were doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they could.

A high-powered business executive toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long.

He finally decided to march right up to the counter, pulling his wheeled suitcase, and demanded that he be given his boarding pass.

The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow, deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line".

Outraged and red in the face, the executive yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I am ???!!!"

The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another shallow, deep breath, picked up the public address system microphone and said calmly, "There is a man at the ticket counter who does not know who he is. Anyone who may be able to assist this man is asked to please step forward and identify him. Thank you."

Posted November 3, 2015

Posted November 1, 2015

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take.

Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

Posted October 30, 2015

Posted October 27, 2015

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

Posted October 25, 2015

As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely...

"We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

Posted October 23, 2015

Posted October 18, 2015

A group of corporate executives on a team-building exercise were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the hikers complained.

"And you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada."

Posted October 16, 2015

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping. Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.

Posted October 12, 2015

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife." Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

Posted October 9, 20155

A travelling salesman's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the transmission," said the cow.

Startled, the sales representative jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes, yes," the sales guy replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

Posted October 8, 2015

The boss had listened in sympathetic silence as John went through the reasons why he needed, and felt he deserved, a raise.

Then, with a compassionate smile, the CEO patted he younger man on the shoulder. "Yes, John," he said kindly, "I know you can't get married on the salary I'm paying you... and some day you'll thank me for it."

Posted October 5, 2015

A sergeant is interviewing three cadets who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for five seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first cadet answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The sergeant says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second cadet smiles, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?!"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The sergeant is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the cadet replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

Posted October 2, 2015

"I was in a very generous mood today," a woman says to her co-worker at the office. "I gave a poor beggar $25."

"That's a lot of money to give away," says her friend. "What did your husband say?"

"He said, 'Thank you'."

Posted September 29, 2015

Posted September 26, 2015

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young blonde lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup. "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the blonde," I was just running through that song, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

Posted September 25, 2015

A man started a new job at a zoo. He was given his first job by the zoo owner – to clean out the large tropical fish tank, which contained many exotic species.

While removing some gravel from the tank with his spade, he accidently hit one of the fish and killed it. Worried about losing his job for this mistake, he decided to hide the evidence. He took the fish and fed it to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner did not notice the missing fish and gave the man a new job – to muck out the chimps. He was in the middle of mucking out when two of the chimps became a bit over familiar and, in an attempt to get them away the man lashed out with his spade, killing two chimps. In his panic he decided to hide the evidence and fed the unfortunate chimpanzees to the lions because lions eat anything.

The zoo owner was pleased with the man’s work and as his final task for the day he asked him to collect honey from the zoo’s beehives. The man tried hard to do this without upsetting the bees, but some got angry and stung him. He grabbed his spade and whirled it above his head, squashing and killing several dozen bees. Plagued with guilt, he fed these to the lions as well because lions eat anything.

The next day, a new lion arrived at the zoo. He enquired of the existing residents “what’s the food like here?” One of the zoo’s resident lions said, “Oh, it’s great. Only yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees.”

Posted September 21, 2015

Posted September 18, 2015

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Corp. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story...

It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries.

As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?" After each probe, he replied, "No."

When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, "That hurts!"

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, "Your kneeling on my fingers!"

Posted September 15, 2015

Working Mother: "Why was the phone busy all day?"

Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."

Posted September 13, 2015

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes nine visits.

Posted September 11, 2015

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Posted September 7, 2015

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor who had just opened a new office in town.

After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.

He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"

The husband frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

Posted September 4, 2015

The girl came running in tears to her father, a well-known local businessman. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world and I run my entire business through them," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Posted September 1, 2015

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

Posted August 30, 2015

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

Posted August 28, 2015

Posted August 25, 2015

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."

Posted August 23, 2015

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies,

"Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

Posted August 20, 2015

There is this blonde that works at a factory with all guys. The guys are always teasing her with all sorts of "Dumb Blonde" jokes.

So, one day, she went home and dyed her hair brunette, just to prove that hair-color didn't make a difference.

The next day, driving to work, she was already feeling smarter. She saw a farmer herding his sheep across the road, and decided to test her new brunette powers.

She rolled down her window and asked the farmer, "If I can tell you the exact number of sheep you have, can I take one with me?"

The farmer, who didn't honestly believe anyone would be able to do that said, "Yes."

The new brunette said, "You have 93."

The farmer was flabbergasted! She was right on the money!

Knowing she won, she got out, picked out a sheep and got into her car. As she was about to drive away, the farmer called out to her. She stopped and waited for the farmer to catch up.

The farmer said, "If I can guess your natural hair color, Can I Have My Dog Back?"

Posted August 19, 2015

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Posted August 17, 2015

A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

Posted August 15, 2015

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

Posted August 13, 2015

A wise old businessman retired and purchased a modest home. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.

"Buying my new home has really put a dent in my savings," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old businessman enjoyed peace in his retirement.

Posted August 11, 2015

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Posted August 9, 2015

During my freshman year at East Texas State University in Commerce, I worked nights as a waiter. The following year, wanting my evenings free, I applied for a dormitory maintenance job and was asked, "How are you on punctuality?"

"Oh, I'm good at that," I blurted out without thinking. "I'm an English major."

Posted August 6, 2015

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port Left

Starboard Right

Posted August 5, 2015

Salesman: "That suit looks nice. It fits like a bandage."

Customer: "Thanks. I bought it by accident."

Posted August 2, 2015

Posted August 1, 2015

On his way out of church after mass, Frank, a young, but well-known local businessman, stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?"

"Absolutely not!" replied the pastor, disappointed that a man of Frank's stature in the community would even ask such a question.

"In that case," said the concerned businessman, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."

Posted July 30, 2015

A businessman from Holland was chatting with his American business partner and was jokingly explaining the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

Posted July 28, 2015

The day I immigrated to the United States, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it?" asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

Posted July 26, 2015

An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?"

The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two."

The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right," he says. "How did you work that out so fast?"

"Easy," says the accountant, "I counted the number of feet and divided by four."

Posted July 23, 2015

A successful businessman and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.

Posted July 21, 2015

A wealthy business owner commissioned Picasso to paint a portrait of his wife. Startled by the nonrepresentational image on the canvas, the woman's husband complained, "It isn't how she really looks."

When asked by the painter how she really looked, the man produced a photograph from his wallet.

Returning the photograph Pablo observed, "Small, isn't she?"

Posted July 20, 2015

A successful businessman, playing a round of golf by himself, is about to tee off when a greasy little salesman runs up to him and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"

The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"

"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"

"Whattaya mean," scoffs the businessman, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"

"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."

"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"

"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."

"Okay," says the businessman, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"

"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"

The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it."

Posted July 17, 2015

After my successful business trip in Bali, I boarded my flight back to New York ...
....at Soekarno-Hatta Jakarta International Airport.

"Cabin crew, prepare for take off," the pilot announced, and minutes later, we were gaining speed. I was getting ready for the familiar tug of gravity as the plane leaves the ground, but instead, the whole aircraft shuddered as the pilot deployed reverse thrusters. The plane slowed down, came to a stop in the middle of the runway and taxied back to the gate.

There was a long delay, but the flight crew were not keeping us informed. Finally, without a word of apology and two hours behind schedule, our plane took off.

I was curious as to know what exactly happened earlier, given Indonesia's poor aviation safety record. As the attendant was serving my drinks, I casually asked her: "So what was the delay about?"

"Oh it was nothing," she said in her sweet voice. "The pilot heard a strange noise coming from the engine."

"So everything is fixed then?" I asked her, trying not to look too scared.

"Yes," she replied in a reassuring manner. "We replaced the pilot."

Posted July 15, 2015

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get underway.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream in time and we're gonna get killed!"

Posted July 12, 2015

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"

Posted July 9, 2015

Posted July 7, 2015

Frank goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Frank," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Frank, "I knew I could count on you!"

Posted July 6, 2015

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

7. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

8. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

9. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

15. Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

16. Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, and delivers two weeks after due date.

17. F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too Hot also Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

24. Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

Posted July 2, 2015

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living. I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Posted June 27, 2015

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...

It creates a hostile work environment.

Posted June 25, 2015

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut in advance of an important business trip. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

Posted June 21, 2015

Posted June 18, 2015

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Posted June 16, 2015

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Posted June 14, 2015

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Posted June 12, 2015

An Top Ten of the Silliest Questions Asked of Staff by Cruise Ship Passengers

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day ... the question asked ... If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

Posted June 8, 2015

An elderly businessman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the old timer. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

Posted June 5, 2015

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

"I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."

"Batted .007," his wife added.

Posted June 2, 2015

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

Posted May 31, 2015

"Yo, Mrs. Miller," said the bearded guy behind the counter at the bagel shop.

My husband and I looked at him but drew complete blanks. "I'm sorry, do we know each other?" I asked.

"Yeah, you was my English teacher."

Leaning over, my husband whispered, "Good job, Honey, good job."

Posted May 28, 2015

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.

"Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"

Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."

"WHAT?" exclaims Jeff. "You just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?"

"Sure," Bob says.

"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "When she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'

'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE! '"

Posted May 26, 2015

Government Pipe Specifications for Employees and Contractors

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

Posted May 24, 2015

There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so thankful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a urologist.'"

Posted May 21, 2015

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the retired bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.

He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

Posted May 20, 2015

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

Posted May 17, 2015

A businessman on a vacation trip was being led through the swamps of Florida by a professional guide.

"Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

Posted May 15, 2015

Posted May 13, 2015

Shirley and Fred, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami Beach, are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Shirley says, "Fred, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?"

Fred says, "Do I care?"

A few minutes later Shirley says, "Fred, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

Fred says, "Who cares?"

A few more minutes pass and Shirley says, "Fred, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?"

Fred says, "Shirley, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't get moving, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special."

Posted May 10, 2015

While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.

I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked. When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry."

Posted May 9, 2015

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

Posted May 6, 2015

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low Bridge Ahead.”

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Posted May 5, 2015

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read:"You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

Posted April 30, 2015

Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.

"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."

Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!

Posted April 27, 2015

Posted April 24, 2015

Posted April 21, 2015

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job the plumber demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't charge this amount even though I am a surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree, you are right. I too, didn't either, when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing!"

Posted April 19, 2015

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered …

Posted April 16, 2015

Two attorneys went into a diner for a lunch break from work and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here! "

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Posted April 13, 2015

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Posted April 8, 2015

"What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?" complained an irate passenger to the railroad engineer.

"How would we know the trains were late, if we didn't have a schedule?" replied the engineer.

Posted April 5, 2015

One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed.

After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me.

Posted April 3, 2015

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"All right, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

Posted April 1, 2015

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for $1.00 each.

Every day a young businessman would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a dollar, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the office worker passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his dollar as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to $1.25!"

Posted March 29, 2015

An agriculture student said to a farmer:

"Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."

"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree."

Posted March 26, 2015

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years."

Posted March 24, 2015

A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly. "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented. "I'll do it for you. But for safety's sake, better give me a couple."

Posted March 22, 2015

A businessman enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks and that it hurts his appearance with his clients.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the businessman has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Posted March 19, 2015

A businessman wrote to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to be near to attend a business conference. He wrote: "I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to allow me to keep him in my room at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Posted March 17, 2015

Laws of the Office

"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

Posted March 15, 2015

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, the first guy said, "Panty stitcher...I sew the elastic onto women's panties."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied.

Diesel fitter is listed as a skilled job, so the clerk gave the second guy $600 a week. When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled, and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?!" yelled the panty stitcher. "I sew the elastic and...he pulls on it and says, "Yep, dese'll fit 'er."

Posted March 13, 2015

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.

The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.

Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."

Posted March 10, 2015

Judge:
"Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?"

Potential Juror:
"I don't want to be away from my job that long."

Judge:
"Can't they do without you at work?"

Potential Juror:
"Yes, but I don't want them to know it."

Posted March 8, 2015

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies".

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to

bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!"

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

Posted March 4, 2015

A plane was taking off from LAX Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from LA to Washington DC. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in the back of the plane said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Posted March 2, 2015

Q: What do postal workers do when they're mad?

A: They stamp their feet.

Posted February 28, 2015

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 12 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 1 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

Posted February 26, 2015

Posted February 24, 2015

Syd comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.

Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Syd tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old.

Weeks later, Syd happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.

Syd is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

Posted February 22, 2015

Two State Troopers were chasing a car on the interstate. When the suspect crossed the state line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and said, "Hey, Sarge, why did you stop?"

The sergeant replied, "He's across the state line now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

Posted February 19, 2015

Two workers were knocking in nails to the sides of a new house, one of them kept throwing them away.

"Why do you keep throwing nails away" said the other.

"Because they have the point at the wrong end", he replied.

"You fool, we could use those on the other side of the house!"

Posted February 17, 2015

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him as his first "job," when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.

Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all 12 of them."

"Well, you did a real good job, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

Posted February 15, 2015

I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience.

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little creep.

Posted February 13, 2015

The state highway department has issued a travel warning due to snow storms and bad road conditions.

They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should ensure that they have the following:

- Shovel
- Blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra winter clothing including coats, hat and gloves
- Water
- 24 hours worth of food
- De-icer
- Rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares or reflective triangles
- 5-gallon gas can
- First aid kit
- Booster cables

I looked like an idiot when I got on the bus this morning to go to work.

Posted February 8, 2015

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his business engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these. "The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that the speaker ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, he went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

Posted February 4, 2015

An airline recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip? "

Posted February 1, 2015

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.

"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away.

"Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Posted January 29, 2015

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go! " The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Posted January 27, 2015

An office worker falls down a flight of steps at work and is taken to a hospital. At the hospital the doctor comes into the man's room and asks, "How many steps did you fall down?"

The injured office worker replied, "I don't know. I wasn't counting them on the way down."

Posted January 25, 2015

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?

Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could have broken me to the news easier. You could have told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

Posted January 23, 2015

Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

Posted January 20, 2015

The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary? " I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."

Posted January 17, 2015

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Posted January 15, 2015

Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.

After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"

"No," the woman nervously replied. "What? "

Posted January 12, 2015

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Posted January 10, 2015

Posted January 9, 2015

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames"

"Here!"

"Jenson"

"Here!"

"Jones"

"Here!"

"Magersky"

"Here!"

"Seeback"

No answer.

"SEEBACK!

The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the list to continue calling the names printed on the other side.

Posted January 4, 2015

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."

Posted January 2, 2015

In a small town, there is a big factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman calls the manager and asks him: "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"

"Not at all, ma'am," the manager replies.

"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut, and don't pout when I yell at them."

Posted December 31, 2014

You Know Have the Job of Being a Mother When....

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.
5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.
7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.
8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.
9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.
13. You find yourself cutting adult's sandwiches into cute shapes.
14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes-it's so final.
15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.
17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.
18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your other adults in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

Posted December 29, 2014

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

Posted December 27, 2014

A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”

The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”

Posted December 24, 2014

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting phone directions to a customer's home during the busy holiday season. The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past one red hydrant and then take the next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and the number is on the mailbox."

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color is your house?"

The woman paused a second and said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

Posted December 19, 2014

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!"

I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was.

"Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

Posted December 16, 2014

Posted December 14, 2014

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

Posted December 12, 2014

A group of doctors were out duck hunting, when a large bird flew overhead.

The family doctor raised his gun to shoot, but then lowered his gun saying "I am not sure that is a duck."

The Psychiatrist raised his gun, but then lowered it again saying “I know it's a duck, but I'm not sure that it knows it's a duck."

The surgeon raises his gun and blasts the bird out of the sky. He turns to the pathologist and says "Go see if that was a duck."

Posted December 9, 2014

Years of smoking finally caught up with my friend John one morning when he keeled over at work, clutching his heart. He was rushed to a hospital and peppered with questions.

"Do you smoke?" asked a paramedic.

"No," John whispered. "I quit."

"That's good. When did you quit?"

"Around 9:30 this morning."

Posted December 6, 2014

You've Been In Corporate America Too Long When...

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team- based organization."

3. You refer to dating as test marketing.

4. You can spell "paradigm."

5. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You understand your airline's fare structure.

7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page presentation with six other people you don't know.

10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."

15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering", "down-sizing", "right-sizing", and "firing people's asses."

16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.

17. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

18. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."

19. You refer to your significant other as "my Co- CEO."

20. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.

21. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

22. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

23. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

24. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

25. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.

26. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.

27. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.

28. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a white board and Internet connection.

29. You give constructive feedback to your dog.

Posted December 4, 2014

Posted December 2, 2014

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

Posted November 30, 2014

Posted November 27, 2014

Posted November 25, 2014

The History of Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2014:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

Posted November 23, 2014

The elevator in our office building malfunctioned one day, leaving me and a few co-workers stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

Posted November 21, 2014

Two new work crews were putting in telephone poles. At the end of the day the foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had done.

"12," was the reply. Then he asked the second crew and they said, "2."

"2?" shouted the foreman. "The others did 12! "

"Yeah," answered the leader of the second crew, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground."

Posted November 18, 2014

Do you have co-workers who seem to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying?

It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly.

Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

There's more...

What most people don't realize, is these birds are popular in darkest Africa. Once an adventurer was on safari and ran into a flock of these birds. Needless to say he got their droppings all over himself. He told the Africans in the safari to lead him to a stream to wash the droppings off but they refused.

When asked why they said it was bad luck to wash off fue droppings even though the smell was quite bad. After several hours of wearing these droppings the adventurer could take no more. With the water in his canteen he began washing himself.

Instantly, a group of African warriors popped up and shot him with poison darts.

The moral of this story is IF THE FUE SHITS, WEAR IT.

Posted November 15, 2014

The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?"

"In the mirror as always."

Posted November 12, 2014

Posted November 9, 2014

At a rent-a-boat company, the dispatcher said into the microphone: "Boat 99, your hour is up, please head in."

An employee walks up to him and says: "We only have 75 boats, there is no boat 99, sir."

The dispatcher then said into the microphone: "Boat 66, are you in trouble?"

Posted November 7, 2014

The lawyer says: "I have some good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I have had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news? "

The lawyer answers: "The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary."

Posted November 6, 2014

1923, Who Was...

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

So, what became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of 95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death.

The moral here:

Forget work.
Play golf!

Posted November 4, 2014

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

Posted November 1, 2014

A woman at our interactive advertising agency had recently returned from her maternity leave when she sent the following e-mail:

"Whoever used the milk in the small plastic container that was in the refrigerator yesterday, please do NOT own up to it. I would find it forever after difficult to meet your gaze across a cafeteria table whilst having a discussion about java applets or brand identity. Just be aware that that milk was EXPRESSLY for my son if you get my drift. I will label these things from now on, but if you found your coffee tasted just a little bit unusual this morning, you might think about calling your mom and telling her you love her."

Posted October 30, 2014

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made two right turns, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

Posted October 27, 2014

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged? "

"Oh," the clerk replied, "After I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Posted October 24, 2014

You Need A New Lawyer When...

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck- goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

7. A prison guard is shaving your head.

8. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

10. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

11. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"

14. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

15. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

17. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

Posted October 23, 2014

What are they?

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat, which isn't there.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Posted October 20, 2014

Tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Posted October 16, 2014

Posted October 14, 2014

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company, and I'm keeping her home."

Posted October 12, 2014

We have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark. We felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon.

The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling:

"Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree! "

Posted October 10, 2014

Posted October 9, 2014

It's that time of year to take our annual employee evaluation test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a way to gauge our employees' loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"

What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's thirty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining
engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East
Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.

If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!

Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

Thank you for your participation in our annual employee test.

Posted October 5, 2014

The students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"
"Yes."
"Did it hurt?" "
Just a little."
"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"
"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

Posted October 3, 2014

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at an academic function, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one? '"

The hostess thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Posted October 1, 2014

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end. My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard- working man to have accumulated all this property."

Sarah replies, "Property? The jerk had a paper route! "

Posted September 30, 2014

A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill, with a touch of laryngitis, but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt rather sorry for the worker and didn't want him to do any physical labor, as they were repairing a part of the freeway. He says, "Why don't you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction? "

The worker is glad for the easy day. He stops the first vehicle: "Sir," he whispers, his throat feeling worse, "please slow down, there's a road crew up ahead."

"Okay," the driver whispers back, "I'll try not to wake them."

Posted September 28, 2014

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said, "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a club where women take off their clothes."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Posted September 26, 2014

A bagpiper who plays many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The deceased man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt very badly and apologized to the men for being late.

He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he'd never played before for this man.

And as he played "Amazing Grace," the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together. When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he opened the trunk, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Posted September 25, 2014

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!"

"That's great," his wife said.

"Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Posted September 21, 2014

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Posted September 18, 2014

Posted September 14, 2014

The Down Side of Cubicles:

* Being told to "Think outside the box"' when I'm in a box all day?

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

* Lack of rafters for the noose.

* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

* Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.

* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Posted September 12, 2014

Recently we called a business phone number and heard the following: If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now. If you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone.

Posted September 9, 2014

Posted September 7, 2014

Posted September 6, 2014

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back another e-mail: "I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that noticeable."

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo, had read:

"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut that looked like you in the cafeteria.

Posted September 4, 2014

When his auto mechanic came in for a operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on him.

"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is..."

Posted September 2, 2014

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year- old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary.

I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"

Posted August 31, 2014

"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

Posted August 29, 2014

Light bulb jokes are an innocent way to poke fun -- or so I thought. Working as a sound technician, I asked an electrician, who was also the local union steward: "Hey, Mike. How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?"

I expected the classic answer: "Twelve. You got a problem with that?" But Mike replied in all seriousness, "None. Teamsters shouldn't be touching light bulbs."

Posted August 27, 2014

A very well-known international furniture and interior decoration do-it-yourself store recently set up a customer assistance department. The first call they got was from a lady who had purchased a wardrobe early in the morning. She explained that after assembly the wardrobe had crumbled three times when the public transport bus passed in front of her house.

The store sent a technician over to her place. He reassembled the wardrobe - which was in the night hall on the second floor - and then went into it to observe what would happen when the bus, which was due a few minutes later, went by. The phone rang just then and the lady went downstairs to take the call. Just then her husband came home from work with a terrible flu condition. Hearing his wife on the phone he trudged upstairs where he found the wardrobe; on opening one of the doors and seeing the man inside he exclaimed "Wha t the dickens are you doing in there!?! "

To which the guy replied "I know you'll never believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus!!"

Posted August 26, 2014

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

Posted August 24, 2014

A customer walked into our insurance office looking for a quote. But first I had to lead her through a litany of questions, including: "Marital status?"

"Well," she began, "I guess you could say we're happy-as happy as most other couples nowadays."

Posted August 22, 2014

An investment consultant decided that she needed to hire a fulltime lawyer to complement her business.

As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Posted August 19, 2014

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems assubmitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Posted August 17, 2014

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Corp. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story...

It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?" After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, "That hurts!"

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said,
"You're kneeling on my fingers!"

Posted August 16, 2014

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you 're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

Posted August 12, 2014

Sleeping on the Job?

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your office or cubicle:

"It's okay...I'm still billing the client."

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

"I was working smarter -- not harder."

"Whew! I must've left the top off the liquid paper."

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

"I was testing the keyboard for drool- resistance."

"I'm in the management training program."

"I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken ... "

"Someone must've put decaf in the regular pot."

"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

"I was cross-training for telecommuting."

"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

"Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to remove contact lens without my hands."

"The mail carrier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

Posted August 12, 2014

Three men worked in the Empire State Building on the 102nd floor.

One day the elevator was out of service, so they had to walk up to their office. To pass the time, they decided that one would sing a song, one would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story - each taking a turn every floor until they reached the top.

Finally, as they reached the 100th floor, one man sang his last song. As they reached the 101st floor, the second guy told his last joke. As they ascended the flight to the 102nd floor, the third man said, "I forgot the key.”

Posted August 10, 2014

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Posted August 8, 2014

Memos From Corporate America

1. SCENARIO: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

2. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."

3. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it! "

4. As director of communications for a medium-sized company, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into
the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red., The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out- directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

5. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality! "

7. "If you have any suggestions as to how things could be done better write it down on a piece of paper and file it until I retire." B.Henson

8. In reference to new products... "It's time we stopped letting distributors dictate what we should make." Anonymous Plant Manager

Posted August 5, 2014

A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married.

"It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening."

Posted August 3, 2014

As a young preacher, my small church had limited facilities, so we held baptisms in a creek. With alligators in the area, however, that was less than ideal.

Then a minister friend suggested I bring my next group of baptismal candidates to his church for a joint baptismal service. Naturally, I accepted.

The baptismal pool had a clear front so the congregation could see everything. When the baptisms were finished, curtains were drawn, and I was left alone in the pool for a moment. The building had no air conditioning, and it was quite hot. I thought how nice it would feel to take a little dip. I glided to one end, turned, and backstroked to the other end.

Hearing a riotous uproar in the church, I looked toward the congregation.

The curtain was down only to the top of the glass! An astonished and amused congregation had been watching my every move.

Posted August 1, 2014

A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?”

The clerk replies, “That is a thermos.”

The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk responds, “It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps cold things cold.”

The blonde says, “I’ll take it!”

The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her blonde boss sees her and asks, “What is that shiny object you have?”

She says, “It’s a thermos.”

The boss then says, “What does it do?”

She replies, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

The boss says, “Wow, what do you have in it?”

The blonde replies, “Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”

Posted July 31, 2014

Actual Business Signs Put Up By Their Brilliant Employees

In a restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In a jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."

In the window of a store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here? "

On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."

On a highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On a poster
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a city restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."

On a building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer
"Do not activate with wet hands."

In a maternity ward
"No children allowed."

In an cemetery
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

In a hotel
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please don't read this notice."

In a hotel
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily."

A sign posted in a tourist camping park
"It is strictly forbidden on our camping sites that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In a club
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts"

In the same club
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

Also in the same club
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

Posted July 29, 2014

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Posted July 27, 2014

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito? "

Posted July 26, 2014

Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly....not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.'

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on.

It turned out that her husband Charley had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her friends in the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.

"Well, it was a great dinner," Mary said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away."

"But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know.

"Oh, that part didn't work out," Mary said. "Charley was too tired."

Posted July 23, 2014

Posted July 20, 2014

Useful Military Job Warnings

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

(And lastly)

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop

Posted July 18, 2014

Proper Job Placement

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

* If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

* If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

* If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

* If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

* If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

* If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

* If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

* If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

Posted July 16, 2014

As a new school Principal, Mr. Costa was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.

The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

Posted July 13, 2014

Posted July 10, 2014

One of our female co-workers, who shall remain nameless, took a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girlfriends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good trip. The wife asked, "Would you like me to bring something back for you?"

The husband laughed and says, "How about a French girl! "

Our lady kept quiet, didn't respond and went into the terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and asked, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Really great, I loved Paris."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?"

"What I asked for....the French girl?"

"Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we'll have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Posted July 7, 2014

I telephoned the veterinarian's office to ask when I should take my three month old kitten in to be vaccinated for rabies. After a few initial questions, the woman who answered the telephone asked, "What is the kitten's name?"

"Demon", I replied.

"Demon? That's an odd name," she said.

"Maybe, but it's appropriate anyway."

I heard clicking of a computer keyboard, then she said, "Our records show that you have cats named Gato [which is Spanish for 'male cat'], Scamp, Stinky, and now you named one Demon. Is that right?"

"Yes, it is."

"You really don't like cats, do you?"

Posted July 5, 2014

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had two people rowing and seven people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. The cost of the study drove the project over budget, so the corporation laid off one of the rowers to make the project leaner, to increase the cost effectiveness of the project, and to illustrate to the stockholders that the corporation was willing to make tough corrective decisions. The management team asked the remaining rower to practice weekends and holidays to compensate.

As race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

On this race, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!

Humiliated, the American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Posted July 2, 2014

Actual Lines from Resumes

I am very detail-oreinted.

My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.

I am sicking and entry-level position.

It's best for employers that I not work with people.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.

If this resume doesn't blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.

My fortune cookie said, "Your next interview will result in a job." And I like your company in particular.

You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!

I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.

Please disregard the attached resume—it is terribly out of date.

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.

Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.

Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco.

Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.

My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.

Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.

I am a rabid typist.

Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984.

I have a bachelorette degree in computers.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.

Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.

Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.

I worked as a Corporate Lesion.

Special Skills: Speak English.

Served as assistant sore manager.

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.

Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

Posted June 30, 2014

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Posted June 27, 2014

A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger hopelessly overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem."

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Posted June 25, 2014

Best Out of the Office Messages

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh- viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system..You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.

Posted June 22, 2014

A You know you work in Corporate America in the 2010′s if…

1. You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies

2. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro

3. Your resume is on a USB drive in your pocket

4. Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um

5. It’s dark when you drive to and from work

6. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie

7. You learn about your layoff on cable news

8. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor

9. You’re already late on the assignment you just got

10. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes” or “when you’re freed up”

11. Vacation is something you rollover to next year, or you try to use up three weeks between Christmas and New Years because otherwise you will lose it, or you get a check for it every January

12. Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”

13. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting

14. You read this entire list and understood it.

15. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Posted June 20, 2014

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.

The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how ya doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.

"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife.

"Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.

"Oh, yeah!" snarled his wife, "In whose profession, yours or hers?!!!"

Posted June 17, 2014

Posted June 15, 2014

Posted June 13, 2014

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:

"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""?

The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".

The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.

The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"?

She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".

Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES".

She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"

After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"

The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"

She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)

Posted June 10, 2014

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Posted June 8, 2014

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.

I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.

"I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

Posted June 4, 2014

A government employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

"I wish for an ice cold drink!"

He gets it and states his second wish. "I wish to be on a beautiful island."

Suddenly he is on an island. He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF! He's back in his government office.

Posted June 2, 2014

The first day at my new health club I asked the girl at the front desk, "I like to exercise after work. What are your hours?"

"Our club is open 24/7," she told me excitedly, "Monday through Saturday."

Posted May 31, 2014

One of our projects at military leadership school called for us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our instructor. A classmate gave an impassioned speech on the benefits of drinking liquor. Alcohol, he insisted, warded off colds, kept you alert, and even made you steadier on your feet.

"Good job," said our instructor when he finished. "Only one thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not liquor."

Posted May 28, 2014

Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do? "

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five copies.

Posted May 26, 2014

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon chimes in with, "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

Posted May 23, 2014

My co-worker, an attractive and refined young woman, telephoned the service station to make a tune up appointment for her car. She was told they could squeeze her in on Thursday at 2 p.m.

Imagine the attendant's surprise and my friend's embarrassment when she walked in and announced, "Hello, I'm your two o'clock squeeze."

Posted May 20, 2014

Posted May 18, 2014

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough."

Posted May 15, 2014

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."

Posted May 13, 2014

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Posted May 11, 2014

Employer: "Where did you receive your training? "

Applicant: "Yale."

Employer: "Great, what's your name?"

Applicant: "Yim Yohnson."

Posted May 9, 2014

Boss: You should have been here at 9.30 a.m.

Employee: Why what happened?

Posted May 6, 2014

One night, a guy comes home from work and finds his wife asleep in bed.

Without turning on a light, he slowly goes over to her side and gives her a long, passionate kiss.

Afterwards, he heads straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he gets there, the light is on and he sees his wife, shaving her legs.

He exclaims, "What are you doing in here?"

She says, "Shhhh!" pointing at the bed, "You'll wake my mother."

Posted May 4, 2014

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

Posted May 2, 2014

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

Posted April 29, 2014

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks "What happened?"

"Well," one of the officers says, "It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he screamed at your wife, told her and your children to leave, chased the cat out and then burned your house to the ground."

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief... "My agent...came to my house?"

Posted April 27, 2014

Once again, let's take a look at a few statements supposedly taken from real resumes and cover letters:

* Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

* I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

* Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a large chain store.

* I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

* Finished eighth in my class of ten.

* I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Posted April 25, 2014

Things to Ponder While in Your Next Office Meeting

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

- Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

- You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

- Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards?

- The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

Posted April 23, 2014

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?" The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open it up, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it while it's running."

Posted April 20, 2014

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Posted April 18, 2014

Top Ten Reasons to Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."

3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Posted April 15, 2014

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.

He said, "That would be better for me."

Posted April 13, 2014

It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"

Posted April 11, 2014

My Jobs

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Posted April 8, 2014

A park ranger working in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five- year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.

Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, "I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator."

To which the lady replies "Good Heavens, no! Don't shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son's picture on his back."

Posted April 6, 2014

My daughter Mary is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Dan a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

However, when Dan went to Mary's house with her, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked with his usual bluntness, "but your house is such a mess?"

"Because my house," Mary said, "does not take 30-degree rolls."

Posted April 3, 2014

Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

Posted April 1, 2014

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?".

The crow answered: Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson?

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Posted March 30, 2014

Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."

Posted March 27, 2014

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card: "Our deepest sympathy."

But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too."

Posted March 23, 2014

Job Accident Report

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone", as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel, by using a pulley, which fortunately, was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

SECURING THE ROPE AT GROUND LEVEL, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then, I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost PRESENCE OF MIND and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.

SLOWED ONLY SLIGHTLY, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two-knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I AM SORRY TO REPORT, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me -- I again lost my presence of mind --

I LET GO OF THE ROPE

Posted March 21, 2014

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....

"How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

Posted March 20, 2014

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is? " he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

Posted March 18, 2014

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Posted March 14, 2014

Posted March 12, 2014

Sarcastic Remarks For Work

And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Posted March 11, 2014

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2001, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969."

Posted March 5, 2014

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!

NAME:
Fred Jones

DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:

Posted March 3, 2014

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this? "

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

Posted February 28, 2014

Posted February 25, 2014

Posted February 22, 2014

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Posted February 19, 2014

Tips for Managers and Bosses

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps, or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me achance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training.

If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Posted February 17, 2014

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

Posted February 15, 2014

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

Posted February 12, 2014

Most people would be angry if their company was bought and the new owners replaced them with their own people. Not our neighbor Andy.

"You know how it goes," he said, waxing philosophical. "Every circus brings its own clowns."

Posted February 7, 2014

Have you heard the one about the home security guard who got fired for saving his boss's life?

One day the guard dreamed the his boss was going to be in a plane crash on a business trip to Zimbabwe. Upon learning that his boss was soon going to be flying to Zimbabwe he told his boss about the dream he had, and convinced his boss to cancel it.

The next day on the news they learned that the plane did indeed crash. The boss gave him a reward, and then fired him on the spot, saying that a good guard shouldn't be sleeping on the job!

Posted February 5, 2014

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey. I had to travel to an out of town business meeting.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?

Posted February 2, 2014

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?" The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "You're honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."

Posted January 30, 2014

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? "

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

Posted January 29, 2014

Posted January 24, 2014

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the county,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us — me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

“Now, just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”

Posted January 23, 2014

Posted January 20, 2014

Did you know who in 1923 was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men should have been considered some of the World's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money.

Now more than 76 years later, do you know what has become of these men?

1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, died insane.
3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide.

The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf
championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. He died 5/13/99, at the age of 97.............

CONCLUSION: Stop worrying about business and play more golf!

Posted January 18, 2014

Three nurses died and went to Heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who questioned them.

"What did you used to do back on Earth?" he asked the first nurse. "Why do you think you should be allowed into Heaven?"

She told him, "I was a nurse at an inner city hospital. I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor children."

"Very noble. You may enter." And he ushered her through the gates. He asked the same questions to the next nurse.

"I was a missionary nurse in the Amazon. For many years I worked with a small group of doctors and nurses to help people in numerous tribes, healing them and telling them of God's love." The second nurse replied.

"Excellent!" said St. Peter. And he ushered her through the gates as well. Finally he posed his questions to the third nurse. She hesitated, then explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."

St. Peter considered her answer for a moment, then told her, "Well, you can enter, too."

"Wow!" the nurse exclaimed in relief. "I almost thought you weren't going to let me in."

"Oh, you can certainly come in," St. Peter told her, "but you can only stay for three days."

Posted January 15, 2014

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process.

First, a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Posted January 13, 2014

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy smells stinky armpits to test deodorant."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Posted January 11, 2014

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Posted January 9, 2014

The manager of a large office noticed a new employee one day and told her to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new employee.

"Joan," the new employee replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new employee sighed and said, "Darling. My name is Joan Darling."

"Okay, Joan, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Posted January 5, 2014

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down, down, down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't
understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff."

Posted January 2, 2014

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this problem."

My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

Posted December 31, 2013

I worked as an accountant in a paper mill where my boss decided that it would improve motivation to split a bonus between the two shifts based on what percentage of the total production each one accomplished.

The workers quickly realized that it was easier to sabotage the next shift than to make more paper. Co-workers put glue in locks, loosened nuts on equipment so it would fall apart, you name it. The bonus scheme was abandoned after about ten days, to avoid all out civil war.

Posted December 26, 2013

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."

Posted December 23, 2013

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"

"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"

Posted December 21, 2013

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called ABC Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me? " And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Posted December 18, 2013

The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff "miss" him. Most people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will never be the same,"

"We will always remember you," etc.

Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart, something really touching, you know. Okay, John, you have been working with me for the last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"

Slowly but firmly, John wrote, "The best news in 20 years."

Posted December 15, 2013

Things We'd Like To See On Company Motivational Posters

1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2) It's only unethical if you get caught.

3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)

7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

8) We put the "k" in "kwality"

9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right
thing.

10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity

11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

14) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

15) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"

16) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.

17) Plagiarism saves time.

18) If at first you don't succeed - try management.

19) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

20) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

21) This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years

22) Never quit until you have another job.

23) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Posted December 13, 2013

I don't know why my co-workers are blaming me and my eggnog for getting them sick this holiday season. For Pete's sake, the milk said it was good until October 13!

Posted December 11, 2013

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Posted December 10, 2013

Two retail workers are out on the sales floor, talking. One of them asks the other, "How long have you been working here?"

The other one replies, "Since they threatened to fire me."

Posted December 6, 2013

Posted December 4, 2013

Why We're So Tired

I've been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I know the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 337 million, and 104 million are retired. That leaves 233 million to do the work. There are 135 million in school, which leaves 98 million to do the work. Of this, there are 59 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 39 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 35 million to do the work.

Take out the 34,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. With 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just two people to do the work: You and me.

And you're sitting there screwing around reading joke blogs!

Posted December 1, 2013

Posted November 27, 2013

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard...Violators will be toad."

Posted November 25, 2013

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.”

“Thank you very much, sir.”

Posted November 22, 2013

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?"

Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"

"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"

Posted November 18, 2013

Q: Why did the unemployed man start a gardening service?
A: He wanted to rake in some cash!

Posted November 17, 2013

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the airline check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.

"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."

Posted November 14, 2013

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"

Posted November 11, 2013

Workplace Zodiac Signs?

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: It is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all
know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the
most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme
organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that
you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization.
Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you
are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab
ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your
parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could
pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Posted November 7, 2013

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up! "
Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

Posted November 4, 2013

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them
decided to leave, and walked out together.

One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some
time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my
patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get
my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to,
but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Posted November 2, 2013

Posted October 31, 2013

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

Posted October 30, 2013

Three guys that all worked building high rise buildings sat down to lunch one day. The first one opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tuna fish one more time I'm jumping."

The other two guys open their lunches and say the same thing.

The next day the first guy opens his lunch and says, "Ah, ham and cheese."

The next two open their lunches and say, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. If I get tunafish one more time I'm going to jump."

The third day the first two guys open their lunches and both got their favorite sandwiches. The third guy opens his lunch and says, "Tunafish, tunafish, I hate tunafish. All right, that's it. I'm jumping." So he goes to the edge and jumps off.

The other two look on not believing what just happened. After a while the first guy says, "Gee, that's sad. He actually jumped."

The second guy says, "Yeah, the worst part is that he packed his own lunch."

Posted October 28, 2013

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

Posted October 20, 2013

Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

Posted October 17, 2013

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"

Posted October 13, 2013

Here's hoping there is no one like this at your workplace.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.

Posted October 10, 2013

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.

The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director General disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Posted October 7, 2013

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.

As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"

"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."

"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously.

"Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

Posted October 5, 2013

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “This man,” he announced, “called in sick yesterday!”

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. “Wow,” he said. “Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn’t been sick!”

Posted October 2, 2013

One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school."

"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.

His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

"Not good enough," the mother replied.

"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."

"One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."

Posted September 29, 2013

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?”

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Posted September 26, 2013

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Posted September 24, 2013

Posted September 22, 2013

Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

Posted September 19, 2013

Two Musicians’ in a major symphonic orchestra were discussing who they thought the LEAST talented musician in the band was.

One of them said; that’s easy. See that guy standing in the back? Well, we just put two sticks in his hands and we call him a Drummer.

The other responded; well, if we take one stick away, we call him a Conductor!

Posted September 16, 2013

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.

“What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

Posted September 15, 2013

A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary’s apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don’t wake up until 8 PM later that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, “I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That’s why I’m late!”

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!”

Posted September 12, 2013

Government Pipe Specifications

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

Posted September 9, 2013

Good Old American Management

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Posted September 6, 2013

Management Lingo

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)

I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Posted September 3, 2013

I was a new manager at the Florist shop and the young man ahead of everyone at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When my clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn’t decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses – one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, “She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife.”

The young man bought a dozen roses.

Posted August 31, 2013

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.

When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"

"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

Posted August 27, 2013

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir.” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Posted August 24, 2013

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2013, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969."

Posted August 21, 2013

While auditing one of our departments, an assistant asked me what I was doing. "Listing your assets," I told her.

"Oh," she said. "Well, I have a good sense of humor and I make great lasagna."

Posted August 18, 2013

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion. After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country road, they see a man walking below. One of the balloonists calls down to him:

"We're lost! Can you tell us where we are?"

The man thinks for a while, looks down, looks up, looks down again, stares into space for a minute, and then cries out:

"You're in a balloon!"

The wind picks up, and the balloon floats off. After a moment, one balloonist says to the other:

"That man must be a corporate manager."

"Why?"

"Three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer. Second, he was perfectly correct. Third, his answer was perfectly useless!"

Posted August 14, 2013

Posted August 12, 2013

Newly employed John had proposed to young Susie and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family? " the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied John, "I'm sure I am now."

"Think carefully now," said Susie's father.

"There are twelve of us..."

Posted August 10, 2013

When Rogers learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Frank Rogers worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Posted August 6, 2013

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband's keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don't bother, that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."

Posted August 3, 2013

Posted July 31, 2013

I suppose it speaks volumes about the state of my marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly at a remark made by a colleague.

She was telling me about the death of another co-worker's spouse, when she commented, "How sad. They'd been married only five years, so I imagine she still loved him."

Posted July 29, 2013

Edward came home from a long business trip and fell into the sofa without saying a word to his wife. She came over to see what was bothering him, and he said, "Well, I ran into Anne - you remember my ex-wife? - and she dumped a bottle of ketchup all over me."

"Well," said his wife, "I'll just let you rest, then. I can see you're ex-sauced, Ted."

Posted July 26, 2013

I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. "We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the young employee scolded.

I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. "I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."

Posted July 23, 2013

Traveling is a major part of my wife's job as a saleswoman, and it's not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week.

I hadn't thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It's so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."

Posted July 20, 2013

Posted July 18, 2013

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

Posted July 15, 2013

Work thoughts...

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. We waste time, so you don't have to.

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

13. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

14. Succeed in spite of management.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Posted July 12, 2013

My father was extremely nervous about his first funeral service as a Navy chaplain, but the undertaker assured him that he would prompt him. All went well until, at the close, the undertaker whispered to him to instruct the family to come up and view the body. "Will the family now come forward and pass around the bier," said my father.

He cringed inwardly when he heard his own words. Later, as my father was leaving, he overheard two of the cemetery workers talking. "I didn't get any beer," one said. "Did you?"

"You heard the chaplain," the other replied. "It was just for the family."

Posted July 9, 2013

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

Posted July 6, 2013

After I applied for jobs at both a library and a shoe store, my husband said he hoped that I'd get the one at the store. "It would be nice to have employee discounts on shoes," he explained.

Then, without thinking, he added, "Of course, if you get the job at the library, we'll get free books."

Posted July 3, 2013

The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234."

When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?"

"Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it."

Posted July 1, 2013

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

Posted June 27, 2013

Posted June 24, 2013

Inspiration and words of wisdom for the co-worker whiners among us:

1. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
2. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
3. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
4. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
6. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
7. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
8. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
9. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Posted June 22, 2013

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

Posted June 20, 2013

"How long have you been working here?" one employee asked to another.

"Ever since the boss threatened to fire me."

Posted June 19, 2013

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained,

"Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Posted June 16, 2013

Posted June 12, 2013

Two guys who worked together were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office. Asked his occupation, the first guy said “Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300, a week’s unemployment pay.

The second guy was asked his occupation. “Diesel fitter” he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the second guy $600. a week.

When the first guy found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained: panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor.

“What skill?” yelled the panty stitcher. “I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, “Yep, diesel fitter”.

Posted June 10, 2013

Posted June 7, 2013

Posted June 5, 2013

DRAWBACKS OF WORKING IN A CUBICLE
[Or, "Welcome to my life."]

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who's behind you.

* Fabric walls offer little protection from gunfire.

* The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

* Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

* 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

* The carpet has been there since 1976 (or older) and shows more signs of life than your coworkers.

* If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say, "What? I didn't hear you."

* You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

Posted June 3, 2013

After giving birth, I quit my job. The exit questionnaire asked, "What steps would have prevented you from leaving? "

My answer: "Birth control."

Posted June 1, 2013

A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a jerk?!"

Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."

Posted May 30, 2013

On job applications, I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of professionalism.

Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word.

Posted May 27, 2013

Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."

Posted May 23, 2013

After I prosecuted a man for killing a bird out of season with his slingshot, the court clerk suggested setting up a date for him to return with both the money for the fine and proof of community service.

"That way," she said innocently, "you can kill two birds with one stone."

Posted May 20, 2013

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Oregon, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test.

We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"

Posted May 17, 2013

Jerry was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Jerryhow about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Jerry and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Jerry! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Jerry’s boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Jerry that he thinks Jerry’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Jerry says.

“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts. And off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Jerry on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Jerry, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Jerry, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Jerry. “My folks are from South America, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome.

Jerry and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Jerry says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Jerry emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Jerry returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Jerry asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Jerry?”

Posted May 14, 2013

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Posted May 12, 2013

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know? "

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know? "

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know? "

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know? "

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Posted May 10, 2013

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.

"That's correct," said the boss.

Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass... "It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The drunk tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name who the father is."

Posted May 8, 2013

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the racetrack during lunchtime. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.

"You're too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.

"What's your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids... ages two and six...so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."

"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.

"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."

Posted May 3, 2013

The day I immigrated to the United States for my new job, I was given an alien ID card that featured a cute photo of me at age 15. Years later, when I went to the courthouse to become a citizen, a clerk confiscated my card.

"What will you do with it?" my wife asked.

"We burn it" was the answer.

"Could you please cut the photo off and let us keep it? " asked my wife.

"Certainly not," said the clerk. "This card is official U.S. government property. As such it cannot be mutilated before it's destroyed."

Posted May 3, 2013

Posted May 1, 2013

Posted April 29, 2013

Robert goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Robert," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Robert, "I knew I could count on you!"

Posted April 26, 2013

Posted April 25, 2013

Posted April 23, 2013

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Posted April 19, 2013

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Posted April 16, 2013

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.

After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn't shoot because he wasn't sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn't sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn't shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that's a duck, but does the duck know it's a duck? "

The surgeon was the only one who shot. Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, "Go see if that was a duck."

Posted April 14, 2013

A psychologist's secretary comes into the office.

Secretary: "There is a man in the lobby who thinks he is invisible."

Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him today."

Posted April 11, 2013

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered …

Posted April 5, 2013

Uncle Leroy got a job down at the Broom Factory.

On his first day the straw boss (Floor supervisor) calls ol' Leroy into his little office and says, "You the new man huh? What is yer name?"

Leroy replied "Leroy"

The straw boss says "I don't call anyone by first names. It breeds familiarity and that leads to breakdown in my Authority. I refer to all employees by last names; Now what is Your Last Name!"

Leroy sort of smiles and says, "Its Darling - Leroy Darling!

The Straw Boss said "Now Leroy the next thing........"

Posted April 2, 2013

At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asked the young engineer out of MIT, "What starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon, "I'm thinking of 125K a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmmm. Well what do you say to five weeks paid vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, and retirement funds that will match at 50%, and a company car leased every two years, say maybe a fine Porsche?" replied the interviewer.

The engineer gasps and says, "Wow, are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."

Posted April 1, 2013

A man is being interviewed for a job. “What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?”

“The slightest noise wakes me up.”

Posted March 29, 2013

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi-Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE! "

At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to- to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man.
"However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the second day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi- bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they
w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to 'em?"

Posted March 25, 2013

3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.

3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- The boss is just one of the guys.
- Staying small is a conscious decision.

3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.

3 Biggest Executive Lies:
- Money...it's just a score card.
- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.

Posted March 23, 2013

Translation of Help Wanted Ads

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the boss' travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

Posted March 22, 2013

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my five-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.

"I'm going to meet a mean woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.

"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."

Posted March 18, 2013

Reasons for Being Fired from the Toy Store

- A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

- Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."

- You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

- Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.

- You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

- Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.

- The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

- Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

Posted March 15, 2013

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a drink before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a drink.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another drink before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another drink. It's going to start any minute! "

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy fat slob, and furthermore..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started."

Posted March 12, 2013

A man comes home with his daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll."

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system, and is very efficient."

The daughter thinks for a minute and then replies, "Oh. I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down."

Posted March 9, 2013

You work in Corporate America if:

- You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

- Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

- Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

- Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.

- You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.

- When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

- You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

- You learn about your layoff on CNN.

- Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

- You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

- Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined.

- You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

- It's dark when you drive to and from work.

- Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

- Communication is something your group is having problems with.

- You see a good looking person and know they're a visitor.

- Free food left over from meetings is your main staple of your diet.

- Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

- Art involves a white board.

- You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Posted March 7, 2013

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they felt ready.

The Japanese won by a mile.

Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!!!

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

Posted March 5, 2013

My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.

However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

Posted March 4, 2013

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

Posted March 1, 2013

Posted February 28, 2013

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse

1. Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.

2. Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.

3. Needles: It's better to give than to receive.

4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops eventually.

5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

6. Interesting aromas.

7. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

8. Do enough charting to navigate around the world.

9. Celebrate the holidays with all your friends, at work.

10. Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

Posted February 26, 2013

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. after sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT..' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.

'And, now you sir?' she asked the second man..

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. 'Yup, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Posted February 21, 2013

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

Posted February 19, 2013

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Posted February 16, 2013

In every Human Resources report, there is a reason for termination. There are so many possibilities, that we have narrowed the list down to the 7 dwarfs. Here they are:

Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.

Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.

Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.

Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.

OTHERS

Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.

Snow White: Misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.

Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

Posted February 14, 2013

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Posted February 10, 2013

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be? "

She quickly responded, "The living one."

Posted February 7, 2013

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.

The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."

"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

Posted February 6, 2013

After I asked for a half-pound trout fillet at my supermarket's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.

Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"

Looking pleased with himself, the proud employee declared, "I'm psychotic."

Posted February 4, 2013

The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?"

"In the mirror, as always."

Posted January 31, 2013

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one of the benefits you get of owning the company."

Posted January 25, 2013

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

Posted January 16, 2013

Posted January 14, 2013

Posted January 11, 2013

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "What's wrong?" to which his boss replies, "It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired."

Posted January 9, 2013

A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."

Posted January 8, 2013

Posted January 7, 2013

Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for the recently advertised salesman role.

Rossi looks at Abe's resume and notices that Abe has never worked in retail before.

Rossi says to Abe, "What chutzpah, if you don't mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."

"Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

Posted January 3, 2013

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month’s Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

Posted January 1, 2013

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."

Posted December 27, 2012

The 12 Bugs of Christmas - A Software Developers' Version

1. For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
See if they can do it again.

2. For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

3. For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

4. For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

5. For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

6. For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

7. For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

8. For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

9. For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

10. For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

11. For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

12. For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.

Posted December 26, 2012

Posted December 21, 2012

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the Insurance policy with the man working in the office at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."

Posted December 20, 2012

If Companies Ran Christmas

If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the
first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?

If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

Posted December 18, 2012

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.

"Is it hard to learn?" someone asked.

"Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

Posted December 14, 2012

Posted December 12, 2012

Corporate Structure

Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.

President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.

Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.

Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.

Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.

Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.

Posted December 11, 2012

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."

Posted December 8, 2012

He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."

Posted December 1, 2012

One of my customers at the department of motor vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paperwork he explained, "This way I can't forget the date."

A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."

Posted November 30, 2012

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality--sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

"I'm Batman."

Posted November 27, 2012

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Posted November 23, 2012

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Posted November 21, 2012

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"The asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Posted November 19, 2012

Sign on company bulletin board:

“This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

Posted November 17, 2012

Posted November 15, 2012

Famous People Resume Qualifications

Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.

Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.

Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.

Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.

Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?

Posted November 12, 2012

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software.

5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.

4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision.

2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture.

1. Dilbert is a documentary.

Posted November 11, 2012

10 Features of The Company Car

-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

Posted November 5, 2012

Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work

1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

4. You decide to see how many Surges you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office frequently to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Posted November 3, 2012

I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN...

...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever."

...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e- mail, & not a chime.

...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

...my secretary sez things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."

...three people began helping me write a "desk manual" for my job.

...the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

...a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

...the receptionist began saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on me.

Posted November 1, 2012

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.

Office Manager: That's great, I'll take two of them.

Posted October 31, 2012

A terrific explosion occurs in a Fireworks factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. “Okay Fred,” says the investigator, “you were near the scene, what happened?”

“Well, it’s like this. Bert was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up.”

“He was smoking in the mixing room?” the investigator said in stunned horror, “How long had he been with the company?”

“About 20 years, sir”

“20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I’d have thought it would have been the last thing he’d have done.”

“It was, sir.”

Posted October 25, 2012

A man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense.

“Yo, Paul, I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” says Paul sheepishly.

“Really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Posted October 24, 2012

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.

I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced,

"Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

Posted October 22, 2012

Fellow employees at the international company where I work know I'm a notary public and have me certify personal documents.

One day, two Swedish men asked me to witness signatures on an automobile title. "I'm selling my car to this man," one of them explained. "We came here because we heard you were notorious."

Posted October 17, 2012

An unemployed young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Posted October 15, 2012

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert? "

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

Posted October 11, 2012

Evaluating Employees

Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

Posted October 8, 2012

During a recent password audit by a fortune 500 company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she chose such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."

On reflection, that almost makes perfect sense.

Posted October 4, 2012

Posted October 2, 2012

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.

One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

Posted October 1, 2012

Job Interview Quotations

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and fries in the interviewers office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"

"What is the company motto?"

"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"

"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"

"Why do you want references?"

"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"

"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me? "

"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"

"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"

"Does your health insurance cover pets?"

"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time? "

"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"

"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"

"Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.

At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.

I feel uneasy indoors.

Sometimes I feel like smashing things.

Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.

I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.

I get excited very easily.

I am fascinated by fire.

I like tall women.

People are always watching me.

If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.

I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.

I never get hungry.

I know who is responsible for most of my troubles

If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.

I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.

I think I'm going to throw-up.

Posted September 29, 2012

Harold arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Harold.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Harold. "That's easy to explain. I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the train station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine."

Posted September 25, 2012

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches. During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

Posted September 23, 2012

There were 3 men who were working on a bridge. One of the worker's name was John, the other one's name was Randall, and the last one's name was Joe. So one day when the 3 men were taking a lunch break, they all opened up their lunch box and saw what their wives had gave them for lunch.

When John opened his lunch, he saw that he had peanut butter and jelly, so then he said, "If my wife gives me the same lunch tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this bridge.

Then Randall opened his lunch and saw that he had spaghetti and meatballs. So then he also said the same thing as what John said.

Then when Joe opened his lunch he saw that he was having a chicken salad. So then he said that he too was going to jump off the bridge if he got the same lunch the next day.

So the next day, all 3 men had the same lunch from yesterday and they all jumped off.

A week later when the funeral was scheduled, John's wife said, "If my sweetie- pie told me he wanted a new lunch, he should have told me!”

Then Randall's wife said "Why did he do it? Why??”

Then Joe's wife said, "Why did he jump off the bridge? He packed his own lunch!"

Posted September 22, 2012

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Sam if he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."

Posted September 21, 2012

Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.

She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free.. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."

Posted September 18, 2012

When I was a medical student my 'Firm' was about to start our psychiatry rotation. On the first day we turned up on the Psychiatric ward a bit worried about how we may find it, having heard rumors as you do. We were quite relieved when the Registrar, Dr Smith, introduced himself and took us into the teaching room to tell us about all the patients on the ward; he did a good job.

Unfortunately our fears returned after 1/2 hour when the proper registrar arrived and introduced us to *Dr Smith* who was in fact one of the patients himself......

Posted September 13, 2012

A Dictionary of Project Terms

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties-- We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.

Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by accident.

Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we surprised.

Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who understood the thing quit.

Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

Posted September 10, 2012

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is once again looking down in the dumps.

"Whats wrong now Bob," asked Bill.

Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for."

"Yeah, so what's the problem with that," asks Bill.

Bob sighs, "Well it seems that I am best suited for unemployment."

Posted September 6, 2012

Cracking The Human Resource Code for Job Seekers

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

Posted September 5, 2012

Posted September 4, 2012

Posted August 28, 2012

Freelance newspaper writers don't get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.

"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."

Posted August 22, 2012

Memos For An Eclipse

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Posted August 20, 2012

Posted August 19, 2012

A help desk operator takes a call from a hysterical secretary. It seems she was playing on her boss's brand new business computer and she spilled sticky soda on the "keyboard."

The help desk operator figured, "What the hell. It's only a $10 keyboard" and told her to unplug it, rinse the keys under the tap and leave it somewhere to dry.

The next morning her boss rings the help desk demanding to speak to the manager. This guy really wants the help desk operator's job, he's that upset.

What he wants to know is... "What clown told my secretary to put $2,000 worth of laptop under a tap?"

Posted August 14, 2012

Posted August 13, 2012

Posted August 10, 2012

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Posted August 9, 2012

Posted August 7, 2012

New Company Policy

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking up on no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:

To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.

Posted August 3, 2012

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the racetrack. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.

"You're too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.

"What's your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids... ages two and six...so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."

"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.

"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."

Posted July 28, 2012

Updated Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

Posted July 26, 2012

Posted July 25, 2012

Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."

Posted July 18, 2012

I answered a 911 call at our emergency dispatch center from a woman who said her water broke.

"Stay calm," I advised. "Now, how far apart are your contractions?"

"No contractions," she said breathlessly. "But my basement is flooding fast."

Posted July 17, 2012

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Posted July 13, 2012

Posted July 12, 2012

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?" My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

Posted July 10, 2012

Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole" said Toivo, "But we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Eino shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a woman! We asked for the height and she gives us the length!!"

Eino and Toivo are currently working for the government......

Posted July 9, 2012

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Posted July 5, 2012

You work for the government if...

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.

3. The process becomes more important than the product.

4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.

8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.

9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.

12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.

13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.

15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.

18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.

24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

28. Art involves a white board.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"

31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

35. Change is the norm.

36. Nepotism is encouraged.

37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.

38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.

Posted July 3, 2012

Posted June 30, 2012

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

Posted June 29, 2012

A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Jerry I was a jerk?!"

Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how he found out."

Posted June 28, 2012

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

Posted June 26, 2012

Tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in organizations such as government and business, other strategies are being tried, to wit:

1) Buying a larger whip.
2) Changing riders.
3) Saying things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4) Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5) Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6) Creating a training session to improve riding skills.
7) Passing a resolution stating the horse is not dead.
8) Blaming the horse's parents.
9) Declaring that no horse is too dead to beat.
10) Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
11) Harnessing several dead horses together to increase performance.
12) Conducting a study to see if private contractors can ride the dead horse cheaper.
13) Issuing a press release stating that the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
14) Forming a quality circle to find better uses for dead horses.
15) Revising performance goals for dead horses.
16) Insisting that this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
17) Promoting the horse to a supervisory position.

Posted June 25, 2012

Posted June 20, 2012

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria.

"Hey, whatever happened to Fred in payroll?" one asked.

"He got this hare brained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied.

"How was he going to do it?"

"He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from a Caddy and well, you get the idea."

"So what did he end up with?"

"Ten years to life."

Posted June 17, 2012

Bob was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impressed, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Bob’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

Posted June 16, 2012

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Corp. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story...

It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?" After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, "That hurts!"

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, "Your kneeling on my fingers!"

Posted June 13, 2012

Posted June 11, 2012

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Bubba – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Bubba, what is 1 and 1?”

“11″ he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”

“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“Today and tomorrow.”

He was again surprised that Bubba supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

“Now Bubba, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

Bubba looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, Bubba wandered over to the general store where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Bubba was exultant.

“It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

Posted June 7, 2012

Sue phones her husband at work, "Dan, do you have time for a chat?"

"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time - I'm about to go into a board meeting."

"But this won't take long," Sue says, "I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."

"I really haven't the time," says Dan, "so just quickly tell me the good news."

"Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your new Lincoln works very well."

Posted June 5, 2012

Posted June 2, 2012

Application Rejections

John Smith
Vice President
Company 411
411 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Smith,

Thank you for your letter of May 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 411's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,

Joe Candidate

Posted June 1, 2012

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

He smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"

Posted May 31, 2012

Three men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office.

The interviewing FBI agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.”

The man took the gun, hesitated, and said “Sorry, I can’t do it.”

The next interviewee came into the office. The agent said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.”

The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked back out. “Sorry,” he said.

The last man came into the office. This guy really wanted the job. The interviewer said “To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.”

The man took the gun and went into the room. The agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

Shortly, the man came out of the room and said “Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!”

Posted May 30, 2012

Murphy's Work Laws

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Posted May 25, 2012

Identifying Wasted Time

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,

Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning

5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid

5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5500 Filling Out Timesheet

5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5503 Scratching Yourself

5504 Sleeping

5510 Feeling Bored

5511 Feeling Horny

5600 Complaining About Lousy Job

5601 Complaining About Low Pay

5602 Complaining About Long Hours

5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 Complaining About Boss

5605 Complaining About Personal Problems

5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu

6102 Ordering Out

6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive

6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

Posted May 24, 2012

How Careers End...

Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists' models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

Posted May 21, 2012

Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up! "

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Posted May 19, 2012

The Resume Bloopers

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.

7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job- hopping. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Posted May 17, 2012

Posted May 15, 2012

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied "only a little while." The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a happy, full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat, then from the bigger boat you could expand to several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product from processing to distribution. You could then leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?

The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Posted May 13, 2012

Mistakes on a Resume

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription
drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know
of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I
can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost
money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
operation."

Posted May 11, 2012

Employer: "Where did you receive your training?"

Applicant: "Yale."

Employer: "Great, what's your name?"

Applicant: "Yim Yohnson."

Posted May 9, 2012

Two deputies in the Sheriff’s Office, one who had been in town for ten years and the other who had just transferred, answered an emergency call. When they walked into the house, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

“No doubt about it,” the new deputy said, “This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself.”

“You’re right,” the experienced deputy replied. “But I’ll bet you when the sheriff gets here he’s going to say, ‘it could have been worse’.”

“No way. You’re on.”

The old sheriff arrived at the scene. “No doubt about it,” the sheriff said, shaking his head. “It was a double murder and suicide.” After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies in the eyes.

“But, you know,” he said, “it could have been worse.”

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, “Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this house, and all three of them are dead. It couldn’t have been worse.”

“Yes, it could,” the sheriff retorted. “You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me!”

Posted May 5, 2012

Posted May 4, 2012

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a document came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed it.

However, a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."

So I did.

Posted May 2, 2012

A businessman checked into a New York hotel. The clerk mentioned the phone service the establishment made available for calling guests who wished to rise at an early hour.

"No need for that, young man," snapped the businessman. "I always wake up at five A.M. sharp without an alarm clock."

"Very good, sir," the clerk replied, then asked, "Would you mind calling me at six?"

Posted April 30, 2012

Posted April 27, 2012

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Posted April 26, 2012

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words:

Psycho-
the-
rapist

Posted April 22, 2012

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I’ll tell you why,” shouted Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well, interrupted the dealer, “didn’t you receive them yet?”

“Oh, we received them all right,” replied Deacon Brown.

“However, you sent us some golf pencils…each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.’”

Posted April 20, 2012

Posted April 18, 2012

Posted April 11, 2012

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered …

Posted April 9, 2012

Posted April 6, 2012

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends--generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.

Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.

"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."

"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."

"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"

Posted April 3, 2012

A young man was applying for a job in a big company.

"I'm sorry," said the personnel manager, "but the firm is overstaffed; we have more employees now than we really need."

"That's all right," replied the young man, undiscouraged, "the little bit of work I do won't be noticed anyway."

Posted April 1, 2012

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 300 million. 140 million are retired. That leaves 160 million to do the work. There are 100 million in school, which leaves 60 million to do the work. Of this there are 39 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Posted March 30, 2012

One day an executive from a large corporation paid a visit to a fanatical environmentalist who lived in a nearby forest. The executive wanted the approval of the environmentalist for a new product his company was creating, and he took it upon himself to make the visit in person. He even made a bet with his fellow executives that he would come back with the deal.

The executive drove to the forest and stopped his car just outside a grove of trees. He knew that the environmentalist lived in a tent, and soon found him: a young man with tangled hair, a scraggly beard, wearing an old robe that hung down to his knees. He was barefoot, and stared at the executive with disgust after finding out the reason for the visit. He looks at the executive's expensive tailored pinstriped Armani business suit, his polished Gucci shoes, his briefcase, his silk tie and carefully combed and shook his head.

Environmentalist: "I guess you don't understand me very well. It is my policy NEVER to harm a living this! NEVER! And you come here dressed like that!"

Executive: (smiling nervously) "I... I don't understand..."

Environmentalist: (points at the executive's polished loafers) "Just look at those fancy shoes with the little tassels on 'em! Don't you understand that a COW gave its life so you could wear those shoes? Is it more important for you to wear nice shoes than for a cow to LIVE?!"

Executive: "I... I think I know what you mean, but what can I do? I have a very important job. I have to dress well. It's part of my image, my dignity; I can't just..."

Environmentalist: "Take them off! Take them off and throw them away or I won't talk to you!"

Executive: "But these are Gucci loafers!"

The executive realizes that the environmentalist will not budge, so with a sigh, he steps out of his Gucci shoes, which he had just had polished for that meeting. He picks them up and the environmentalist grabs them.

Environmentalist: "Look at these shoes! To think a cow used to walk around wearing these! You'll be a lot closer to the average person without these shoes, anyway. And what about your briefcase? And your belt? And your wallet?! Hand 'em over! They're all leather!"

The executive is stunned, but hands over his briefcase, wallet and belt.

Environmentalist: "Do you know how many silkworms are forced into slavery to produce silk? DO YOU? Those fancy socks look like silk to me. Are they?"

Executive: "Yes, but... I can't take off my..."

Environmentalist: "It looks like you'll be doing this interview barefoot! It will be good for a big shot like you!"

Executive: "Look can't we..."

But the executive realizes it's hopeless, and takes off his socks. He stands stunned, barefoot in his Armani suit and tie. He realizes the environmentalist is winning the argument, but doesn't know how to stop the transformation.

Environmentalist: "And that necktie is silk... and the pocket handkerchief."

In a moment, the tie, the handkerchief and the socks are in a heap.

Executive: "Now, let's get to business..."

Environmentalist: "It is a terrible thing to force sheep to give up their warm coats just so YOU can strut around in a nice, navy blue, expensive suit!"

Executive: "But this is a two thousand dollar Armani suit! I had it made for me!"

Executive: "NOW WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO RELPACE MY SUIT WITH!?"

Environmentalist: "There's no need to get upset. I have a fine pair of polyester pants for you. Now lose the suit, and everything else you're wearing is cotton. You cannot expect me to make a deal with a man who wears the product of a COTTON plant!"

The environmentalist hands the executive a pair of polyester pants and a polyester shirt and in a few minutes he is holding the Armani suit and everything else in his hands. There is now nothing left of the impeccably dressed executive, who now looks like he belongs on the street asking for change, not sitting in an office.

He is so stunned by his own transformation that he doesn't realize that the environmentalist has piled the expensive business clothes together and disappears with them. For an hour, the executive searches, but cannot find the environmentalist.

The executive finally has had enough and leaves in anger. But as he walks away... he suddenly thinks: "He's right! I shouldn't abuse living things just so I can dress well! From now on, my life will be different!"

So the executive returns to the office and tells his stunned colleagues that he is quitting his job and will join the environmentalist in the forest where he will have his own tent.

He returns to the forest, but the tent is folded up. He finds a sign that says: "I've been wrong about everything. I have left to start a new life as an executive. Enjoy the tent. P.S. Thanks for the clothes."

Posted March 28, 2012

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she's not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What in the heck is anal glaucoma?" he inquires.

"Well, I just can't see my butt coming to work today."

Posted March 24, 2012

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

Posted March 23, 2012

My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase.

Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

Posted March 21, 2012

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.

One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

Posted March 15, 2012

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife.

"That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,'" he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for about $798,000."

Posted March 13, 2012

"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."

Posted March 9, 2012

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

Posted March 8, 2012

A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience.

Recently, one of the computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Posted March 5, 2012

My friend landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise.

The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream.

As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window.

However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

Posted March 3, 2012

After I applied for jobs at both a library and a shoe store, my husband said he hoped that I'd get the one at the store. "It would be nice to have employee discounts on shoes," he
explained.

Then, without thinking, he added, "Of course, if you get the job at the library, we'll get free books."

Posted March 1, 2012

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Posted February 24, 2012

A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital.

"How are things at the office going, Mary?" she asked.

"Well, they're all sharing your work. Gloria is making the coffee, Ellen is reading all your magazines, and Jane is making it with the boss."

Posted February 23, 2012

Betty came into the office all aflutter about her husband, "You won't
believe this, Sally, but Fred takes a fishing pole into the bathroom
and tosses the hook into the tub."

"You've got to be kidding," gasped Sally. "Don't you think you should
take him to a psychiatrist?"

"No time," replied Betty with a shrug. "I'm too busy cleaning fish."

Posted February 22, 2012

Business 101

No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.

No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.

No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

No real problem has a solution.

No two identical parts are exactly alike.

Nobody notices the big errors.

Nobody notices when things go right.

Posted February 17, 2012

Jack wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Jack replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Jack, "and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Jack continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level of the crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Moe."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"

"Because Uncle Moe... He's never seen a train wreck!! "

Posted February 15, 2012

Another man and I share a locker at work. Noticing that it needed a new combination lock, my partner said he would pick one up on his way to work the next day. It occurred to me later that I might not see him in the morning. How would I find out the combination? I needn't have worried.

When I arrived at work I found that he had used the locker before me and had left a note reading: "To find the first number subtract 142 from your high score the last time we went bowling. The second number is 16 less than that. To find the third number subtract 1.87 from the amount you owe me."

Posted February 14, 2012

Performance Evaluation Translations

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Average: Not too bright.

Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious and careful: Scared.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.

Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

Displays excellent intuitive judgment: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.

Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.

Happy: Paid too much.

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.

Judgment is usually sound: Lucky.

Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.

Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.

Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.

Maintains professional attitude: A snob.

Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.

Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.

Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.

Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.

Should go far: Please.

Slightly below average: Stupid.

Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.

Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Takes pride in work: Conceited.

Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses resources well: Delegates everything.

Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.

Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.

Well organized: Does too much busywork.

Will go far: Relative of management.

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Posted February 12, 2012

There was a typo on an employment test I was taking. Instead of "(D) none
of the above," it said "(D) one of the above."

So I circled it.

Posted February 10, 2012

I think my smartphone is broken.

I keep pressing the Home button, but I'm still working.

Posted February 7, 2012

A woman walked into the office elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.

I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

Posted February 6, 2012

"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."

Posted January 27, 2012

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Posted January 24, 2012

Here's a type of resume/career direction you may want to avoid...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, I retired and I found I am perfect for the job!

Posted January 23, 2012

My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the woman wrote, "Horrendous eating habits."

"What makes you answer that?" my friend asked.

The woman replied, "I can't spell atrocious."

Posted January 19, 2012

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man number 3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

Posted January 16, 2012

A man is being interviewed for a job.

"What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?"

"The slightest noise wakes me up."

Posted January 15, 2012

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

Posted January 12, 2012

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy. While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy, the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.

The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears! "

Posted January 10, 2012

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Posted January 6, 2012

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is once again looking down in the dumps.

"What's wrong now Bob," asked Bill.

Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for."

"Yeah, so what's the problem with that," asks Bill.

Bob sighs, "Well it seems that I am best suited for unemployment."

Posted January 3, 2012

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."

Posted December 31, 2011

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know? "

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management".

"I do" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Posted December 29, 2011

Posted December 26, 2011

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.

"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.

"No, that's not it," she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."

Posted December 24, 2011

Posted December 22, 2011

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago after a job interview. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"

Posted December 20, 2011

Posted December 18, 2011

Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."

The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window over there."

Posted December 15, 2011

Arriving home from work as usual at 5:30 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so before a fight started in earnest I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"

Posted December 13, 2011

As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death
from below!"

Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"

Posted December 11, 2011

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him? "

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Posted December 10, 2011

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.

"Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.

"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."

Posted December 7, 2011

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us employees stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

Posted December 4, 2011

We doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up.

"I'm sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife's inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."

Posted December 2, 2011

A college coed finished her degree at a college in a small farming town in Oregon. Her fiancé had another semester to go to finish his degree and then they planned to marry in the spring. So the young woman decided to get a job until her fiancé finished school, but the only job she could find in the town was on a farm doing manual labor.

Her duties consisted of grooming the fields and ridding the crops of adjacent weeds, in other words using a hoe. Then came the end of the semester, and her fiancé graduated, so they decided to get on with the nuptials. They went to the courthouse and requested a marriage license.

The county clerk asked the usual questions like name, place of birth, occupation. The groom to be answered everything and, of course, gave his occupation as student as that was his most recent occupation. The bride-to-be answered everything until the clerk asked her occupation.

She thought about it a moment and then answered: "I'm a hoer."

The clerk looked at her husband-to-be and then her with a dumbfounded look
on his face and then she spoke up: "Well, it's honest work."

Posted November 30, 2011

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Posted November 29, 2011

Posted November 25, 2011

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

"What!" shouted the boss? "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"

"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

Posted November 23, 2011

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but. Hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs! "

Posted November 21, 2011

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.

Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely. Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

Posted November 19, 2011

Posted November 17, 2011

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Posted November 15, 2011

Posted November 11, 2011

Posted November 10, 2011

When Vickie's co-worker received a phone call from her daughter, she heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!"

After she had hung up, she asked, "Boy or girl?"

"Neither," her colleague replied... "Diet."

Posted November 8, 2011

The Department of Employment claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."

Posted November 7, 2011

For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.

"How many adults will there be?" she asked.

Posted November 4, 2011

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband's keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."

Posted November 1, 2011

The boss called one of his employees into his office and screamed at him, "You're fired!"

Looking puzzled, the employee said, "But, why sir? I work eight hours and sleep eight hours, just like everyone else."

"Unfortunately, " the boss bellowed, "in your case, it's the same eight hours!"

Posted October 29, 2011

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?"

My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

Posted October 27, 2011

A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to Muir Woods National Monument wound around many hairpin curves. After successfully negotiating a particularly sharp curve, the bus driver pulled over to the side of the road. "Well, this is a new twist," he said, surveying his wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of petrified tourists to see a living forest!

Posted October 24, 2011

Here is a short tip on work-related jokes: A painter's joke may be off-color while a cook's might be tasteless.

Posted October 20, 2011

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. When the job was completed, the boss returned and explained that an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he had been told, but encountered a problem. He wasn't able to get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honesty!" snapped the boss. "The kind of help you get these days! Obviously, there's only one thing to do. Go back and dig that hole deeper!"

Posted October 19, 2011

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"

Posted October 18, 2011

I'm the postmaster for a small town in Arizona. One of my regular customers bought several sheets of newly released commemorative stamps.

Soon after he left, a woman came in carrying two crisp sheets of Harry Houdini stamps she'd found in the parking lot.

The next morning, I gave my regular customer the sheets of stamps he'd lost. "You know," he said to me, "I'm not at all that surprised the Houdini stamps reappeared."

Posted October 16, 2011

The gig was just about ready to start when the band leader called the female singer over and said:

"Listen, tonight we're going to begin the set with 'April in Paris', but I want to do it a little differently. We'll start in the key of G for the first four bars, then modulate to B-flat for the next eight bars, change the meter to 3/4 for six bars, then pick up the tempo to Allegro for twelve bars, then modulate to F-sharp for eight bars, change the meter back to 4/4 and slow down to Rubato for four bars, play a tacit for four bars, modulate up to D-flat for eight bars..."

"HEY, HOLD ON!" the girl said. "I can't do stuff like that without rehearsal!"

He said, "Why not? You've been doing it all week long!"

Posted October 13, 2011

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was piloting, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.

I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

Posted October 11, 2011

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality-sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

"I'm Batman."

Posted October 8, 2011

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

Posted October 5, 2011

Posted October 1, 2011

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."

Posted September 30, 2011

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert? "

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

Posted September 29, 2011

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances.

After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people."

Posted September 27, 2011

During a recent password audit by our company's IT department, it was found that a one employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Posted September 23, 2011

We were required by our employer to take a CPR course.

The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci- Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

Posted September 21, 2011

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the fourth man.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain," said the man, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink,or turn on the light, I pooped my pants."

Posted September 19, 2011

Posted September 17, 2011

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Posted September 16, 2011

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."

Posted September 14, 2011

Engineering Quotes

(What they say versus what they mean)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)

I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Posted September 11, 2011

A senior nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

Posted September 10, 2011

The Down Side of Cubicles:

* Being told to "Think outside the box"' when I'm in the darn box all day?

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

* Lack of rafters for the noose.

* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

* Women: Darn near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.

* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Posted September 7, 2011

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, the young colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

Posted September 5, 2011

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Posted September 2, 2011

The new accounts director was dictating a note to her personal assistant. She paused, uncertain about the proper phrasing in the next sentence. "Do you 'retire a loan'?" she asked the young man.

"Not when I can help it," he replied with a smile.

Posted August 31, 2011

Rules For The Bosses

1. Don't ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it's going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you're going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't specify which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be the topic of conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, just save them until the job is almost done. There's no use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Only be nice to me when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's refreshing to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check your received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating, with a cost of living increase. I'm not really here for the money anyhow.

Posted August 30, 2011

So today at work some guy calls and asks, "Are you Mexican or Italian?"

I replied, "Sir, I'm white."

Then he says, "Not you, the restaurant."

Posted August 27, 2011

A major airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip? "

Posted August 17, 2011

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sale clerks a ' pep talk '.

"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.

My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.

It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a crap? '"

Posted August 16, 2011

True Story: My friend Susan is a bit older than most of the people in her office , and has worked there longer, so the rest of the staff often come to her with questions. She does not mind answering a quick question, but does not feel comfortable answering questions
about the computer system. Her company had recently changed the help desk procedures and there had been e-mails about help desk protocol.

One day a young gal came to Linda with a question about the computer
system. Linda asked if she had contacted "that guy who is sending all the e-mails."

The other girl said she did not know who she was talking about, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl said she had never heard of him. Linda told her that he had sent out several e-mails recently. The other girl again asked his name, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl asked how that was spelled.

Linda said "He must be an Arab. It is spelled FAQ."

The other girl never asked her another question.

Posted August 15, 2011

Debbie, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.

One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her like a Queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare".

"Imagine that," came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets, "A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."

Posted August 12, 2011

I work for a small software company with approximately fifty employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-selves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior manager."

When it was my turn, I rose and said, "I'm new with the company. I'm still a lowly programmer."

Posted August 10, 2011

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent."

"That's nothing," said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

Posted August 8, 2011

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

Posted August 6, 2011

As an instructor in driver education at a local high school, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car? "

Posted August 3, 2011

One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.

They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:

'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'

Posted July 28, 2011

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Posted July 27, 2011

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Posted July 26, 2011

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people."

Posted July 25, 2011

As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog's heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn't harm her, but by law, I'm forbidden to give medical advice.

"If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you'd call me," I explained. "In this case, you really should consult with your own physician."

"But it's one in the morning!" she exclaimed. "I can't wake my doctor."

Posted July 23, 2011

A door-to-door salesman is working a neighborhood and walks up to a house, knocks on the door and a thirteen year-old boy answers the door.

The boy has a cigar in one hand, a martini in the other and is wearing a rather expensive smoking jacket.

The salesman looks at the youth and asks, "Good morning son, are your parents home?"

To which the boy replies, "What do you think?"

Posted July 21, 2011

A blonde woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush.

The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The blonde agrees and starts right away.

The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the blonde had completed 4 miles, double the required average. The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets worse."

The boss called the blonde in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile.

Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!"

Posted July 19, 2011

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill. One day, Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital. Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No. Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

Posted July 18, 2011

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Bill, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 30th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel's bellman escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise.

"There must be some mistake," Bill said. "This looks like the bridal suite."

"It's okay," the bellman reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."

Posted July 15, 2011

In the small, family-owned store where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?"

Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent, successful person, and I love your hair."

Posted July 13, 2011

At the cargo shipping phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

Posted July 10, 2011

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Posted July 8, 2011

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Posted July 7, 2011

Ever wonder what is the fastest thing on earth? An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could Think, Blink, or Turn on the light, I had already gone in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB!

Posted July 4, 2011

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends-generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.

Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.

"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."

"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."

"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"

Posted July 3, 2011

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot.

One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

Posted June 30, 2011

Posted June 26, 2011

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager.

"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Posted June 24, 2011

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong.

It says, "HORSE for sale."

Posted June 22, 2011

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,

"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

Posted June 19, 2011

Before I could enroll in my new company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire.

As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

Posted June 17, 2011

Posted June 12, 2011

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it" said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

Posted June 10, 2011

Posted June 9, 2011

Posted June 5, 2011

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away. I could not
get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but your case is open and shut,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your ugly butt*.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.

Posted June 3, 2011

A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a jerk?!"

Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."

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