Job Jokes
Blog
Job Hunting is serious business, but we all need an
occasional break...
That's why we have started this
Job Jokes Blog. Stop by occasionally to see a new job
or job search joke and have a quick laugh on us. Note
that we claim no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on
these jokes; rather, we are just informally passing
them along to you as we normally would do "at the
watercooler". By the way, if you have a great job or
job search related joke that you would like to see posted,
please send it to
sales@jrbmsoft.com
Posted March 9,
2010
Having just completed my training as the hospital's
switchboard operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew
all the codes for emergencies:
Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, etc.
My first night on the job alone, however, a nurse phoned and
asked me to page a "Code Brown, Room 214."
I had no idea what that was. I called the page, then
searched frantically through my emergency manual, but I
couldn't find any description of it anywhere.
Stumped, I finally called the nurse back and asked her about
it.
"Relax," laughed the nurse. "Code Brown is what we page when
a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box
ofchocolates!"
Posted March 5,
2010
Fitness center applicants at my hospital are queried about
their medical problems. One man wrote "None" on the
application form where it asked whether he had any cardiac
problems. When a huge surgical scar was noticed on his
chest, he was asked, "What is that from?" "I used to have
problems with my heart, but it was replaced last year," the
man answered calmly.
Posted March 3,
2010
While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult
assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day
I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie
her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.
"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."
At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,
THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"
Posted February 26,
2010
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented
a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up
the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone
lines."
Posted February 24,
2010
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant
home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust
their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as
well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on
the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and
put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing
happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her
faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the
bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you
keep getting your bones up there?"
Posted February 19,
2010
My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One
day my husband told our three boys that to make things
easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.
They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When
are the interviews?"
Posted February 16,
2010
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's
office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college President, "you already make
more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up
with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the
hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway and
says to him. . .
"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of
breath.
"You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Ohhhh, I see what you mean," conceded the President,
scratching his head.....
"I would have phoned."
Posted February 12,
2010
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on
the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed
without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work
ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and
muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty
and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said,
aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled
down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed
myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs
took you a whole hour?"
Posted February 9,
2010
While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's
emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my
rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike
Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient's room, and
blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."
"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."
Posted February 4,
2010
"Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there
are two things that will ensure your success in business."
"What are they?" the son asked.
The businessman replies, "Integrity and wisdom."
"Integrity?" the son asks.
"That's right son. No matter how it may be to your
detriment, no matter what your colleagues or the board may
say, ALWAYS keep your word once you have given it."
"And wisdom?" the son asks.
The father smiles and winks and says, "Don't be a fool,
NEVER give your word."
Posted February 1,
2010
One-liners:
Sign found in a office: Maybe you don't have to be crazy
just to work here, but it helps!
A guy who worked in a gum factory fell in a vat of
bubblegum, and his boss had to chew him out.
Posted January 28,
2010
Customer service reps repeat the same tired phrases so often
that we can do the job in our sleep. We hear a beep telling
us a customer's on the line, and we're on. I never knew how
this humdrum routine affected us until a co-worker had heart
surgery. She was coming to, following her operation, when
she heard the beep of the heart monitor. In her anesthetized
stupor, she groggily said, "This is Sue. Can I help you?"
Posted January 25,
2010
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation
announced the following results on the American Male's
recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people
is: basketball
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:
bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.
Posted January 21,
2010
You know you work in Corporate America in 2010 if...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three
different companies.
You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more
than 10 different desks.
You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10
different managers.
You order your business cards in "half orders"instead of
whole boxes.
When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't
explain it in one sentence.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You use acronyms in your sentences.
Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your
best jokes.
You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
It's dark when you drive to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.
You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
Weekends are those days your significant other makes you
stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the
hospital.
Art involves a white board.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by
your co-workers only.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes"
or "when you're freed up".
You read this entire list and understood it.
Posted January 14,
2010
Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the
necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds
work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will
be forgiven.
After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of
American History, he is called back to meet the sales
manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?"
"Lots of it," replies Jim.
"And you have a Master's in American history from the
University of Michigan?"
"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."
"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can
complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations Jim,
obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking
around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and
Lincoln on the walls.
Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and
says,"Fine looking men. Your partners?"
Posted January 10,
2010
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that
time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably
got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
Posted January 3,
2010
I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss
would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe
if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days
off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I
told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that
the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days
off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,
"What are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb. "You are clearly stressed
out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked
her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"
(You're gonna love this....)
She said, "I'm going home,too. I can't work in the dark.
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