Job Jokes Blog

Job Hunting is serious business, but we all need an occasional break...

That's why we have started this Job Jokes Blog. Stop by occasionally to see a new job or job search joke and have a quick laugh on us. Note that we claim no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on these jokes; rather, we are just informally passing them along to you as we normally would do "at the watercooler". By the way, if you have a great job or job search related joke that you would like to see posted, please send it to sales@jrbmsoft.com.

Posted February 7, 2012

A woman walked into the office elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor.

I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

Posted February 6, 2012

"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."

Posted January 27, 2012

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

Posted January 24, 2012

Here's a type of resume/career direction you may want to avoid...

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, I retired and I found I am perfect for the job!

Posted January 23, 2012

My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the woman wrote, "Horrendous eating habits."

"What makes you answer that?" my friend asked.

The woman replied, "I can't spell atrocious."

Posted January 19, 2012

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"

The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."

The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."

The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."

The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.

As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing."

"Okay," said man number 3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me."

The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?"

"What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"

Posted January 16, 2012

A man is being interviewed for a job.

"What are your qualifications for the job of night watchman?"

"The slightest noise wakes me up."

Posted January 15, 2012

A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

Posted January 12, 2012

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy. While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy, the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.

The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"

Posted January 10, 2012

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

Posted January 6, 2012

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is once again looking down in the dumps.

"What's wrong now Bob," asked Bill.

Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for."

"Yeah, so what's the problem with that," asks Bill.

Bob sighs, "Well it seems that I am best suited for unemployment."

Posted January 3, 2012

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."

Posted December 31, 2011

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must work in Management".

"I do" replies the balloonist, "But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Posted December 29, 2011

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications. She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother to look them over.

All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that on all five applications, under "Previous Employment", she had listed "Baby-sitting".

But then she read, under "Reason for Leaving" her daughter had answered, "Parents came home."

Posted December 26, 2011

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.

"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.

"No, that's not it," she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."

Posted December 24, 2011

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Posted December 22, 2011

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O'Hare airport in Chicago after a job interview. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or "chit." That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

"Is this chit worth $10?" I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, "I'm sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?"

Posted December 20, 2011

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan."

"It's the one on fire," he replied.

Posted December 18, 2011

Jim was just out of Navy boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary."

The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck, that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead, that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion, that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttle-butt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I till throw you out of that little round window over there."

Posted December 15, 2011

Arriving home from work as usual at 5:30 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so before a fight started in earnest I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!"

Posted December 13, 2011

As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death
from below!"

Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"

Posted December 11, 2011

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

Posted December 10, 2011

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time.

"Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.

"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."

Posted December 7, 2011

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us employees stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.

After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist."

"A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?"

"Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"

Posted December 4, 2011

We doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned, waking me up.

"I'm sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."

Still half asleep, I reminded him that I had taken his wife's inflamed appendix out a couple of years before. "Whoever heard of a second appendix?" I asked.

"You may not have heard of a second appendix," he replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife."

Posted December 2, 2011

A college coed finished her degree at a college in a small farming town in Oregon. Her fiancé had another semester to go to finish his degree and then they planned to marry in the spring. So the young woman decided to get a job until her fiancé finished school, but the only job she could find in the town was on a farm doing manual labor.

Her duties consisted of grooming the fields and ridding the crops of adjacent weeds, in other words using a hoe. Then came the end of the semester, and her fiancé graduated, so they decided to get on with the nuptials. They went to the courthouse and requested a marriage license.

The county clerk asked the usual questions like name, place of birth, occupation. The groom to be answered everything and, of course, gave his occupation as student as that was his most recent occupation. The bride-to-be answered everything until the clerk asked her occupation.

She thought about it a moment and then answered: "I'm a hoer."

The clerk looked at her husband-to-be and then her with a dumbfounded look
on his face and then she spoke up: "Well, it's honest work."

Posted November 30, 2011

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

Posted November 29, 2011

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

Posted November 25, 2011

A guy had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

"What!" shouted the boss? "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"

"Are you nuts?" he replied. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

Posted November 23, 2011

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but. Hey, he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Posted November 21, 2011

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues.

Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely. Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

Posted November 19, 2011

Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.

One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.

After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?"

"No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"

Posted November 17, 2011

A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

The doctor asked her all the usual questions: what were the symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.

Suddenly, she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Posted November 15, 2011

I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect?"

Posted November 11, 2011

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Posted November 10, 2011

When Vickie's co-worker received a phone call from her daughter, she heard her exclaim joyfully, "Seven and a half pounds! I'm so proud!"

After she had hung up, she asked, "Boy or girl?"

"Neither," her colleague replied... "Diet."

Posted November 8, 2011

The Department of Employment claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

RANCHER: "Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVERNMENT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

RANCHER: "That would be me."

Posted November 7, 2011

For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

"Yes, it's our honeymoon," I replied.

"How many adults will there be?" she asked.

Posted November 4, 2011

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband's keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."

Posted November 1, 2011

The boss called one of his employees into his office and screamed at him, "You're fired!"

Looking puzzled, the employee said, "But, why sir? I work eight hours and sleep eight hours, just like everyone else."

"Unfortunately, " the boss bellowed, "in your case, it's the same eight hours!"

Posted October 29, 2011

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, "She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else said, "That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?"

My co-worker thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years."

Posted October 27, 2011

A sight-seeing bus travelling from San Francisco to Muir Woods National Monument wound around many hairpin curves. After successfully negotiating a particularly sharp curve, the bus driver pulled over to the side of the road. "Well, this is a new twist," he said, surveying his wide-eyed passengers. "I'm taking a load of petrified tourists to see a living forest!

Posted October 24, 2011

Here is a short tip on work-related jokes: A painter's joke may be off-color while a cook's might be tasteless.

Posted October 20, 2011

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. When the job was completed, the boss returned and explained that an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he had been told, but encountered a problem. He wasn't able to get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honesty!" snapped the boss. "The kind of help you get these days! Obviously, there's only one thing to do. Go back and dig that hole deeper!"

Posted October 19, 2011

A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"

"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"

Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"

Posted October 18, 2011

I'm the postmaster for a small town in Arizona. One of my regular customers bought several sheets of newly released commemorative stamps.

Soon after he left, a woman came in carrying two crisp sheets of Harry Houdini stamps she'd found in the parking lot.

The next morning, I gave my regular customer the sheets of stamps he'd lost. "You know," he said to me, "I'm not at all that surprised the Houdini stamps reappeared."

Posted October 16, 2011

The gig was just about ready to start when the band leader called the female singer over and said:

"Listen, tonight we're going to begin the set with 'April in Paris', but I want to do it a little differently. We'll start in the key of G for the first four bars, then modulate to B-flat for the next eight bars, change the meter to 3/4 for six bars, then pick up the tempo to Allegro for twelve bars, then modulate to F-sharp for eight bars, change the meter back to 4/4 and slow down to Rubato for four bars, play a tacit for four bars, modulate up to D-flat for eight bars..."

"HEY, HOLD ON!" the girl said. "I can't do stuff like that without rehearsal!"

He said, "Why not? You've been doing it all week long!"

Posted October 13, 2011

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was piloting, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.

I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

Posted October 11, 2011

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality-sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

"I'm Batman."

Posted October 8, 2011

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog."

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

Posted October 5, 2011

Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

Posted October 1, 2011

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."

Posted September 30, 2011

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

Posted September 29, 2011

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances.

After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people."

Posted September 27, 2011

During a recent password audit by our company's IT department, it was found that a one employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Posted September 23, 2011

We were required by our employer to take a CPR course.

The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

Posted September 21, 2011

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the fourth man.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain," said the man, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink,or turn on the light, I pooped my pants."

Posted September 19, 2011

So there's this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following sign: "This parking space belongs to the Wizard. Violators will be toad."

Posted September 17, 2011

A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Posted September 16, 2011

Everyone knows I'm a stickler for good spelling. So, when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to "decifer" them, I had to set him straight.

I wrote, "Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f. In case you've forgotten, spell checker comes free with your software."

A minute later, I got this reply, "Mine must be dephective."

Posted September 14, 2011

Engineering Quotes

(What they say versus what they mean)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)

I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

Posted September 11, 2011

A senior nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.

"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."

Posted September 10, 2011

The Down Side of Cubicles:

* Being told to "Think outside the box"' when I'm in the darn box all day?

* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

* Lack of rafters for the noose.

* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

* Women: Darn near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.

* Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

Posted September 7, 2011

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee to finish brewing, the young colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

God Bless the enlisted man.

Posted September 5, 2011

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

Posted September 2, 2011

The new accounts director was dictating a note to her personal assistant. She paused, uncertain about the proper phrasing in the next sentence. "Do you 'retire a loan'?" she asked the young man.

"Not when I can help it," he replied with a smile.

Posted August 31, 2011

Rules For The Bosses

1. Don't ever give me work in the morning. Always wait until at least 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every ten minutes or so to inquire how it's going. That really does help. Better yet, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without letting anyone know where you're going. It gives me the opportunity to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training should I ever be injured and lose all of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't specify which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere else to go or anything else to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If word gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be the topic of conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, just save them until the job is almost done. There's no use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Only be nice to me when the job I am doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's refreshing to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check your received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating, with a cost of living increase. I'm not really here for the money anyhow.

Posted August 30, 2011

So today at work some guy calls and asks, "Are you Mexican or Italian?"

I replied, "Sir, I'm white."

Then he says, "Not you, the restaurant."

Posted August 27, 2011

A major airline recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Posted August 17, 2011

The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sale clerks a ' pep talk '.

"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "

"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.

My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.

It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."

"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a crap?'"

Posted August 16, 2011

True Story: My friend Susan is a bit older than most of the people in her office , and has worked there longer, so the rest of the staff often come to her with questions. She does not mind answering a quick question, but does not feel comfortable answering questions
about the computer system. Her company had recently changed the help desk procedures and there had been e-mails about help desk protocol.

One day a young gal came to Linda with a question about the computer
system. Linda asked if she had contacted "that guy who is sending all the e-mails."

The other girl said she did not know who she was talking about, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl said she had never heard of him. Linda told her that he had sent out several e-mails recently. The other girl again asked his name, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl asked how that was spelled.

Linda said "He must be an Arab. It is spelled FAQ."

The other girl never asked her another question.

Posted August 15, 2011

Debbie, the attractive secretary was inclined to brag way too much about her "dates" to suit the other women in the office.

One day, she was going on and on about a Texan who had treated her like a Queen all evening and at the end of the date, gave her 2 hundred dollar bills for "cab fare".

"Imagine that," came a voice from the other side of the filing cabinets, "A hundred-and-eighty dollar tip."

Posted August 12, 2011

I work for a small software company with approximately fifty employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a meeting with a potential client, our team introduced our-selves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior manager."

When it was my turn, I rose and said, "I'm new with the company. I'm still a lowly programmer."

Posted August 10, 2011

Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.

"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent."

"Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we we cut our average time by 20 percent."

"That's nothing," said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"

Posted August 8, 2011

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

Posted August 6, 2011

As an instructor in driver education at a local high school, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.

One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes. When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others. Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, "Should I stop the car?"

Posted August 3, 2011

One of the world's most famous merchant captains died, having long been admired by his crew and fellow officers.

They remained puzzled, however, over a strange ritual he performed daily. While at sea he would lock himself in his cabin and open a small safe, take out an envelope with a note inside and read it. After locking the paper back in the safe, he would return to his duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew back to the ship and into the captain's quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope and read the words aloud to an astonished crew:

'Port: Left, Starboard: Right.'

Posted July 28, 2011

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Posted July 27, 2011

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Posted July 26, 2011

As a secret shopper for a large department store, my sister made purchases at various chains and then reported back to supervisors on the clerks' performances. After a few weeks, I asked her if she was enjoying her new job.

"I love it!" she replied. "I'm getting paid for doing two of my favorite things in life--shopping and criticizing people."

Posted July 25, 2011

As a veterinarian, I was called at home in the middle of the night by a woman in distress. She had swallowed her dog's heart worm pill by mistake. I knew it wouldn't harm her, but by law, I'm forbidden to give medical advice.

"If your dog had swallowed your pill, then you'd call me," I explained. "In this case, you really should consult with your own physician."

"But it's one in the morning!" she exclaimed. "I can't wake my doctor."

Posted July 23, 2011

A door-to-door salesman is working a neighborhood and walks up to a house, knocks on the door and a thirteen year-old boy answers the door.

The boy has a cigar in one hand, a martini in the other and is wearing a rather expensive smoking jacket.

The salesman looks at the youth and asks, "Good morning son, are your parents home?"

To which the boy replies, "What do you think?"

Posted July 21, 2011

A blonde woman who had been unemployed for several months finally got a job with Public Works. This was a little old town, so her job was to paint lines down the center of a rural road using a paint brush.

The Supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set minimum of 2 miles per day of lines. The blonde agrees and starts right away.

The Supervisor checked at the end of day one and found that the blonde had completed 4 miles, double the required average. The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The Supervisor thought, "Well, she's at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."

The third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets worse."

The boss called the blonde in and said, "The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles and yesterday only 1 mile.

Why? Is there an injury? A problem? Equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the minimum 2 miles per day?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket!"

Posted July 19, 2011

Bill and Tom are working at the local sawmill. One day, Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital. Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No. Some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

Posted July 18, 2011

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Bill, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 30th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel's bellman escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise.

"There must be some mistake," Bill said. "This looks like the bridal suite."

"It's okay," the bellman reassured him. "If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance."

Posted July 15, 2011

In the small, family-owned store where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?"

Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent, successful person, and I love your hair."

Posted July 13, 2011

At the cargo shipping phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

Posted July 10, 2011

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Posted July 8, 2011

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Posted July 7, 2011

Ever wonder what is the fastest thing on earth? An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"What!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could Think, Blink, or Turn on the light, I had already gone in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB!

Posted July 4, 2011

The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends-generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by.

Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.

"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."

"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."

"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"

Posted July 3, 2011

At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot.

One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill it with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup.

I didn't realize how long I'd been until someone slid a note under the door.

"You win," it read. "Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot."

Posted June 30, 2011

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

Posted June 26, 2011

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager.

"Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Posted June 24, 2011

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.

After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.

"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong.

It says, "HORSE for sale."

Posted June 22, 2011

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel.

The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,

"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."

Posted June 19, 2011

Before I could enroll in my new company's medical insurance plan, I needed to fill out a questionnaire.

As expected, the form was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.

One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the emergency room within the next three months?"

Posted June 17, 2011

Posted June 12, 2011

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it" said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

Posted June 10, 2011

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"

Posted June 9, 2011

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed into a drum, and a dozen names are pulled.

During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

Posted June 5, 2011

At the office, where I worked, there was an angel there.
Her hair was long and flowing, and her skin was soft and fair.

I wanted so, to ask her out, but I was way too shy.
I thought she was too beautiful, for me to even try.

A few times I approached her, she just smiled and walked away. I could not
get the courage up, and "Hi" was all I'd say.

Then, I had an idea, I would get her home address,
And send a valentine to her, and with it I'd express,

The way I feel about her, and the way she makes me feel,
And the feelings that I have, are very, very real.

I'll tell her, that I dream of her, and how it all would be,
If she would only take the time, to be alone with me.

I poured my heart out in the card, and ask her to be mine,
And then I dropped it in the mail, my special valentine.

In just a few short days, I had a response in my mail,
A card with her return address, I started feeling pale.

I wondered what she said in it, and what she thinks of me,
I guess the only way to know, is open it and see.

With great anticipation, I removed the envelope,
And closed my eyes a moment, as my heart filled up with hope.

I opened up my eyes to see, a card shaped like a heart,
And in the center, someone drew, a bloody piercing dart.

I opened up the card to see, if writing was inside,
And when I started reading it, I damn near almost died.

I'd love to be your valentine, but your case is open and shut,
My husband says he'll be at work, to kick your ugly butt*.

I'm glad you like my body, and you think it's really fine,
My husband says this card is going, where the sun don't shine.

In your card, you said there's things to me you'd love to do,
I think my husband's going to do, all of those things to you.

So, have a Happy Valentines, I'll see you Monday morn,
My husband says on Tuesday, you'll wish you were never born.

Posted June 3, 2011

A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a jerk?!"

Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."

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