Job Jokes Blog

Job Hunting is serious business, but we all need an occasional break...

That's why we have started this Job Jokes Blog.  Stop by occasionally to see a new job or job search joke and have a quick laugh on us.  Note that we claim no authorship, ownership, nor copyrights on these jokes;  rather, we are just informally passing them along to you as we normally would do "at the watercooler".  By the way, if you have a great job or job search related joke that you would like to see posted, please send it to sales@jrbmsoft.com

Posted March 9, 2010

Having just completed my training as the hospital's switchboard operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew all the codes for emergencies:

Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, etc.

My first night on the job alone, however, a nurse phoned and asked me to page a "Code Brown, Room 214."

I had no idea what that was. I called the page, then searched frantically through my emergency manual, but I couldn't find any description of it anywhere.

Stumped, I finally called the nurse back and asked her about it.

"Relax," laughed the nurse. "Code Brown is what we page when a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box ofchocolates!"

Posted March 5, 2010

Fitness center applicants at my hospital are queried about their medical problems. One man wrote "None" on the application form where it asked whether he had any cardiac problems. When a huge surgical scar was noticed on his chest, he was asked, "What is that from?" "I used to have problems with my heart, but it was replaced last year," the man answered calmly.

Posted March 3, 2010

While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

Posted February 26, 2010

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Posted February 24, 2010

Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.

One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.

That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"

Posted February 19, 2010

My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for them.

They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the interviews?"

Posted February 16, 2010

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway and says to him. . .

"Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

"You're not there, sir," he reported.

"Ohhhh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head.....

"I would have phoned."
 

Posted February 12, 2010

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Posted February 9, 2010

While working as a Navy nurse in a military hospital's emergency room, I was required to introduce myself by my rank and full name. I usually refer to myself as Ensign Mike Payne, but one busy day I rushed into a patient's room, and blurted, "Hi, I'm Ensign Payne."

"Hi," the patient responded. "I'm in some pain too."

Posted February 4, 2010

"Always remember," said the businessman to his son, "there are two things that will ensure your success in business."

"What are they?" the son asked.

The businessman replies, "Integrity and wisdom."

"Integrity?" the son asks.

"That's right son. No matter how it may be to your detriment, no matter what your colleagues or the board may say, ALWAYS keep your word once you have given it."

"And wisdom?" the son asks.

The father smiles and winks and says, "Don't be a fool, NEVER give your word."

Posted February 1, 2010

One-liners:

Sign found in a office: Maybe you don't have to be crazy just to work here, but it helps!

A guy who worked in a gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum, and his boss had to chew him out.

Posted January 28, 2010

Customer service reps repeat the same tired phrases so often that we can do the job in our sleep. We hear a beep telling us a customer's on the line, and we're on. I never knew how this humdrum routine affected us until a co-worker had heart surgery. She was coming to, following her operation, when she heard the beep of the heart monitor. In her anesthetized stupor, she groggily said, "This is Sue. Can I help you?"

Posted January 25, 2010

After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on the American Male's recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.

Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Posted January 21, 2010

You know you work in Corporate America in 2010 if...

You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks.

You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers.

You order your business cards in "half orders"instead of whole boxes.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You use acronyms in your sentences.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.

Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up".

You read this entire list and understood it.

Posted January 14, 2010

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Jim.

"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says,"Fine looking men. Your partners?"

Posted January 10, 2010

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Office Desk...

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

Posted January 3, 2010

I urgently needed a few days off work, But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.  I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.  My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb. "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)

She said, "I'm going home,too. I can't work in the dark.