Job Jokes Blog, cont.

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Posted December 29, 2009

My boss is without peer when it comes to the rules and regulations that customs officials must follow. But when it comes to the law, well, that's a different story.

We were attending a court case in which we were prosecuting a smuggler. The judge asked the court, "Who is making these allegations?"

My boss stood up and proclaimed, "I am the alligator, your honor."

Posted December 17, 2009

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

Posted December 14, 2009

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The first 2nd Looey thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir, I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..."

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and..."

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First  Sergeant, and say, 'Top, I want a flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

Posted December 10, 2009

"Corporate Lesson Number One"

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a sly fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

"Corporate Lesson Number Two"

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

"Corporate Lesson Number Three"

Once upon a time there was non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and dropped some dung on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warned him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. Following the sound, the cat discovered the sparrow under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

1) Not everyone who drops dung on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of dung is your friend.

3) And when you're in deep dung, keep your mouth shut.

"Corporate Summary"

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys,all on different limbs at different levels, someclimbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling... The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces...The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but.... well, you get the idea!

Posted December 7, 2009

YOU might be a school employee if....

...you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick

...you want to slap the next person who says,

"Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off

...it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered

...you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without ever looking outside

...you believe, "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on a report card

...you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

...when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior

...you have no social life between August and June

...you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce

...you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce

...you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

...you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the UHAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district

...you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form

...you can't imaging how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public

...meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

...you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons... and desks and chairs for that matter!!!

...the words "I have college debt for this?" has ever come out of your mouth.

Posted December 1, 2009

Talking was difficult during the three weeks I had laryngitis. My co-workers were greatly amused, especially one who was helping me with a project.

One day he stopped by to say he was on his way out. "If you need anything before I leave," he said with a smirk, "squeak up!"

Posted November 28, 2009

In an employment ad for salespeople in the Detroit NEWS AND FREE PRESS: "Special advisers on hand to assist you with informing your loved ones that you are going into auto sales."

Posted November 25, 2009

Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.

So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

Posted November 14, 2009

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Posted November 10, 2009

Rick, fresh out of engineering school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked him various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Posted November 5, 2009

In the office where I work, there is a constant battle between our technical-support director and customer-service personnel over the room temperature. The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers will overheat."

Thinking this was just another excuse, one of my shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah, right! So how did they keep the computers from overheating before there was air conditioning?"

Posted November 2, 2009

The Maid asked for a raise.  The Madam was very upset about this and asked:  "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"

Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!

Posted October 29, 2009

Fred was applying for a job as a flagman/switch operator on the railroad. The chief engineer was conducting the interview.

"What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?"

Fred quickly answered, "Well, I'd call my brother."

The chief engineer just sat there for a second. "Why would you call your brother?"

"He's never seen a train wreck before."